Read Online 50 Ways to Find a Lover by Lucy-Anne Holmes - Free Book Online
Authors: Lucy-Anne Holmes
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blogging careers and he on his football. We will be in Tuscany together soon.
Suddenly my head is in Big Fat Bloke’s armpit. Someone has scored. I must concentrate. I get quite good at the ‘upward punch in the air’ when a player does something well. My favourite is the ‘Polish waitress without a boyfriend’ sulk, when someone misses a pass. This is fun.
At half-time the big fat bloke goes to the loo. I try not to picture it. Cherub Man smiles at me. I check behind. I doubt he is smiling at the Cash ’n’ Curry fruit machine. He must be smiling at me. I grin back.
‘Where’s your boyfriend?’
‘Um, he’s not my boyfriend, he’s my minder. I call him the Beast II.’
He laughs!
‘No, I don’t have a boyfriend and I’ve only just met him.’
‘I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend.’
‘Well, I’m phenomenally funny and clever so I tend to intimidate most men.’ He laughs again! I beg myself not to speak again because I know I will cock it up. I’m trying desperately hard not to belch. I look at the screen and the half-time commentators. I must not look too keen.
‘Would you like a drink?’
She shoots, she scores.
‘Yes please, oh thank you. I think a white wine though, this beer makes me burp.’
I’m quickly introduced to his best friend’s brother, standing next to him. I mentally log him as a possible suitor for Julia, who needs cheering up after passing out in the taxi with the head-butt guy. Beast II returns. The match starts again. We become a little dysfunctional family, sulking, punching and groaning. The boys score again. This time I land in Cherub Man’s armpit. I love football.
The match ends and Cherub Man turns to me and smiles. I beam back.
‘Right, I’ve got to go back to work. I’m an editor. I work mad hours sometimes.’
I have two thoughts:
1)
He’s an editor. Blinding!
2)
He doesn’t want to take me immediately to Soho Square for some frottage. Bollocks
‘But I’ll be free in an hour or two if you fancy going for a late drink somewhere.’
‘Oh, I’ve got an audition tomorrow,’ I reply. ‘I really should have an early night.’
‘Um, I hope you don’t think I’m a pillock for saying this, but I really like you. The thing is, I’m moving to Australia next week.’
I feel as though someone has just suddenly flicked the power switch off. I realize that this was just a nice pointless moment without a future.
‘Oh wow! That’s great! How exciting, Australia’s an amazing place,’ I gush. Bloody Australia, everyone’s bloody well moving there.
‘I’m quite busy, but I’d really like to see you for a night before I go.’
I look at him. He winks at me. I realize that he just wants a quick shag. Simple naked wrestling as opposed to lazy mornings on a Tuscan beach trying to do a crossword before jumping naked into the sea and kissing. Sex would be good, I admit. But I know that one-night stands don’t make me happy. No. It has to be no. I’ve got rules and morals. I am a pioneer for women after all.
‘Cheeky fucker!’ I shout and give him my phone number. ‘No’ is sometimes a very hard word to say. I am as much of a pioneer for women as Linda McCartney was for lamb shank, I think as I watch him leave.
Beast II gives me a bestial hug goodbye. The pressure causes me to release a long, satisfying, hour-long held-in burp in his ear. Bliss. I think I feel the cavern floor shake slightly.
‘Good girl!’ he says with pride. ‘You even sound like my ex-wife now.’
Back in the flat I tiptoe into my room. I can hear moans of carnal pleasure coming from Simon’s room. I quite like hearing people enjoying each other. Not in an erotic way, just in a comforting way, although tonight it sounds from Ruth’s howls as though Simon has impaled her and she’s stuck. I creep into my room, trying not to disturb them. Suddenly I feel something hard bash me on the forehead. I sway for a moment. And then I pass
Suddenly my head is in Big Fat Bloke’s armpit. Someone has scored. I must concentrate. I get quite good at the ‘upward punch in the air’ when a player does something well. My favourite is the ‘Polish waitress without a boyfriend’ sulk, when someone misses a pass. This is fun.
At half-time the big fat bloke goes to the loo. I try not to picture it. Cherub Man smiles at me. I check behind. I doubt he is smiling at the Cash ’n’ Curry fruit machine. He must be smiling at me. I grin back.
‘Where’s your boyfriend?’
‘Um, he’s not my boyfriend, he’s my minder. I call him the Beast II.’
He laughs!
‘No, I don’t have a boyfriend and I’ve only just met him.’
‘I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend.’
‘Well, I’m phenomenally funny and clever so I tend to intimidate most men.’ He laughs again! I beg myself not to speak again because I know I will cock it up. I’m trying desperately hard not to belch. I look at the screen and the half-time commentators. I must not look too keen.
‘Would you like a drink?’
She shoots, she scores.
‘Yes please, oh thank you. I think a white wine though, this beer makes me burp.’
I’m quickly introduced to his best friend’s brother, standing next to him. I mentally log him as a possible suitor for Julia, who needs cheering up after passing out in the taxi with the head-butt guy. Beast II returns. The match starts again. We become a little dysfunctional family, sulking, punching and groaning. The boys score again. This time I land in Cherub Man’s armpit. I love football.
The match ends and Cherub Man turns to me and smiles. I beam back.
‘Right, I’ve got to go back to work. I’m an editor. I work mad hours sometimes.’
I have two thoughts:
1)
He’s an editor. Blinding!
2)
He doesn’t want to take me immediately to Soho Square for some frottage. Bollocks
‘But I’ll be free in an hour or two if you fancy going for a late drink somewhere.’
‘Oh, I’ve got an audition tomorrow,’ I reply. ‘I really should have an early night.’
‘Um, I hope you don’t think I’m a pillock for saying this, but I really like you. The thing is, I’m moving to Australia next week.’
I feel as though someone has just suddenly flicked the power switch off. I realize that this was just a nice pointless moment without a future.
‘Oh wow! That’s great! How exciting, Australia’s an amazing place,’ I gush. Bloody Australia, everyone’s bloody well moving there.
‘I’m quite busy, but I’d really like to see you for a night before I go.’
I look at him. He winks at me. I realize that he just wants a quick shag. Simple naked wrestling as opposed to lazy mornings on a Tuscan beach trying to do a crossword before jumping naked into the sea and kissing. Sex would be good, I admit. But I know that one-night stands don’t make me happy. No. It has to be no. I’ve got rules and morals. I am a pioneer for women after all.
‘Cheeky fucker!’ I shout and give him my phone number. ‘No’ is sometimes a very hard word to say. I am as much of a pioneer for women as Linda McCartney was for lamb shank, I think as I watch him leave.
Beast II gives me a bestial hug goodbye. The pressure causes me to release a long, satisfying, hour-long held-in burp in his ear. Bliss. I think I feel the cavern floor shake slightly.
‘Good girl!’ he says with pride. ‘You even sound like my ex-wife now.’
Back in the flat I tiptoe into my room. I can hear moans of carnal pleasure coming from Simon’s room. I quite like hearing people enjoying each other. Not in an erotic way, just in a comforting way, although tonight it sounds from Ruth’s howls as though Simon has impaled her and she’s stuck. I creep into my room, trying not to disturb them. Suddenly I feel something hard bash me on the forehead. I sway for a moment. And then I pass
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