Read Online 27 Wagons Full of Cotton and Other Plays by Tennessee Williams - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Tennessee Williams
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M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( interrupting )That may be true, Mrs. Wire, but I may as well tell you that I have a horror of roaches, even the plain old-fashioned, pedestrian kind, and as for this type that flies—! If I’m going to stay on here these flying cockroaches have got to be gotten rid of and gotten rid of at once!
M RS. W IRE: Now how’m I going to stop them flying cockroaches from coming in through the windows? But that, however, is not what I—
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( interrupting )I don’t know how, Mrs. Wire, but there certainly must be a method. All I know is they must be gotten rid of before I will sleep here one more night, Mrs. Wire. Why, if I woke up in the night and found one on my bed, I’d have a convulsion, I swear to goodness I’d simply die of convulsions!
M RS. W IRE: If you’ll excuse me for sayin’ so, Mrs. Hardshell-Moore, you’re much more likely to die from over-drinkin’ than cockroach convulsions! ( She seizes a bottle from the dresser. )What’s this here? Larkspur Lotion! Well!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( flushing )I use it to take the old polish off my nails.
M RS. W IRE: Very fastidious, yes!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: What do you mean?
M RS. W IRE: There ain’t an old house in the Quarter that don’t have roaches.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: But not in such enormous quantities, do they? I tell you this place is actually crawling with them!
M RS. W IRE: It ain’t as bad as all that. And by the way, you ain’t yet paid me the rest of this week’s rent. I don’t want to get you off the subjeck of roaches, but, nevertheless, I want to colleck that money.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I’ll pay you the rest of the rent as soon as you’ve exterminated these roaches!
M RS. W IRE: You’ll have to pay me the rent right away or get out.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I intend to get out unless these roaches get out!
M RS. W IRE: Then get out then and quit just talking about it!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You must be out of your mind, I can’t get out right now!
M RS. W IRE: Then what did you mean about roaches?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I meant what I said about roaches, they are not, in my opinion, the most desirable room-mates!
M RS. W IRE: Okay! Don’t room with them! Pack your stuff and move where they don’t have roaches!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You mean that you insist upon having the roaches?
M RS. W IRE: No, I mean I insist upon having the rent you owe me.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: Right at the moment that is out of the question.
M RS. W IRE: Out of the question, is it?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: Yes, and I’ll tell you why! Thequarterly payments I receive from the man who is taking care of the rubber plantation have not been forwarded yet. I’ve been expecting them to come in for several weeks now but in the letter that I received this morning it seems there has been some little misunderstanding about the last year’s taxes and—
M RS. W IRE: Oh, now stop it, I’ve heard enough of that goddam rubber plantation! The Brazilian rubber plantation! You think I’ve been in this business seventeen years without learning nothing about your kind of women?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( stiffly )What is the implication in that remark?
M RS. W IRE: I suppose the men that you have in here nights come in to discuss the Brazilian rubber plantation?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You must be crazy to say such a thing as that!
M RS. W IRE: I hear what I hear an’ I know what’s going on!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I know you spy, I know you listen at doors!
M RS. W IRE: I never spy and I never listen at doors! The first thing a landlady in the French Quarter learns is not to see and not to hear but only collect your money! As long as that comes in—okay, I’m blind, I’m deaf, I’m dumb! But soon as it stops, I recover my hearing and also my sight and also the use of my voice. If necessary I go to the phone and call up the chief of police who happens to
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( interrupting )That may be true, Mrs. Wire, but I may as well tell you that I have a horror of roaches, even the plain old-fashioned, pedestrian kind, and as for this type that flies—! If I’m going to stay on here these flying cockroaches have got to be gotten rid of and gotten rid of at once!
M RS. W IRE: Now how’m I going to stop them flying cockroaches from coming in through the windows? But that, however, is not what I—
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( interrupting )I don’t know how, Mrs. Wire, but there certainly must be a method. All I know is they must be gotten rid of before I will sleep here one more night, Mrs. Wire. Why, if I woke up in the night and found one on my bed, I’d have a convulsion, I swear to goodness I’d simply die of convulsions!
M RS. W IRE: If you’ll excuse me for sayin’ so, Mrs. Hardshell-Moore, you’re much more likely to die from over-drinkin’ than cockroach convulsions! ( She seizes a bottle from the dresser. )What’s this here? Larkspur Lotion! Well!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( flushing )I use it to take the old polish off my nails.
M RS. W IRE: Very fastidious, yes!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: What do you mean?
M RS. W IRE: There ain’t an old house in the Quarter that don’t have roaches.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: But not in such enormous quantities, do they? I tell you this place is actually crawling with them!
M RS. W IRE: It ain’t as bad as all that. And by the way, you ain’t yet paid me the rest of this week’s rent. I don’t want to get you off the subjeck of roaches, but, nevertheless, I want to colleck that money.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I’ll pay you the rest of the rent as soon as you’ve exterminated these roaches!
M RS. W IRE: You’ll have to pay me the rent right away or get out.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I intend to get out unless these roaches get out!
M RS. W IRE: Then get out then and quit just talking about it!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You must be out of your mind, I can’t get out right now!
M RS. W IRE: Then what did you mean about roaches?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I meant what I said about roaches, they are not, in my opinion, the most desirable room-mates!
M RS. W IRE: Okay! Don’t room with them! Pack your stuff and move where they don’t have roaches!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You mean that you insist upon having the roaches?
M RS. W IRE: No, I mean I insist upon having the rent you owe me.
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: Right at the moment that is out of the question.
M RS. W IRE: Out of the question, is it?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: Yes, and I’ll tell you why! Thequarterly payments I receive from the man who is taking care of the rubber plantation have not been forwarded yet. I’ve been expecting them to come in for several weeks now but in the letter that I received this morning it seems there has been some little misunderstanding about the last year’s taxes and—
M RS. W IRE: Oh, now stop it, I’ve heard enough of that goddam rubber plantation! The Brazilian rubber plantation! You think I’ve been in this business seventeen years without learning nothing about your kind of women?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: ( stiffly )What is the implication in that remark?
M RS. W IRE: I suppose the men that you have in here nights come in to discuss the Brazilian rubber plantation?
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: You must be crazy to say such a thing as that!
M RS. W IRE: I hear what I hear an’ I know what’s going on!
M RS. H ARDWICKE -M OORE: I know you spy, I know you listen at doors!
M RS. W IRE: I never spy and I never listen at doors! The first thing a landlady in the French Quarter learns is not to see and not to hear but only collect your money! As long as that comes in—okay, I’m blind, I’m deaf, I’m dumb! But soon as it stops, I recover my hearing and also my sight and also the use of my voice. If necessary I go to the phone and call up the chief of police who happens to
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