Remember last Thursday, when the
Enterprise
passed through that cloud of ionized estrogen particles? I was in my quarters with Yeoman Rand. I was straightening her uniform when I suddenly felt a backlash. I think that cloud was, in fact, a sentient being that has infiltrated our minds. This thing, whatever it is, turns men and women against each other!
WE … MUST … FIGHT … THIS … THING!
Your honor, are we so enslaved by this cloud that we have forgotten the traditions of military self-preservation? To kill this creature, we must do as officers have always done. We must close ranks! We must raise our shields!
Because let me remind you, gentlemen …
Nobody here is squeaky clean.
Spock, don’t think I’m unaware of what you do during those mind melds. And Scotty, how many women have you invited down to engineering to examine your “antimatter pods”? Bones, didn’t you once have some trouble with Tribbles? And your honor, didn’t you divorce your first wife after finding out that, in fact, she was a shape-shifting man?
I OBJECT, YOUR HONOR! Kirk is trying to coer—
Pipe down, Starr! Objection overruled. The captain here has raised some interesting points.…
Captains Log Supplemental: After long negotiations, I have accepted an honorable discharge, with full compensation and the sealing of all court records. I have begun work on my book and also plan to do some consulting for Star Fleet. Tomorrow, I set a course for my new five-year mission—on the pleasure planet, Raisa. Indeed, I plan to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Doctor Dosomething
If I could talk to the animals.
—Doctor Dolittle,
children’s classic, now out on video
We have this time on the air to focus on how to
be not just human animals but moral animals.
—Doctor Laura, radio’s most popular therapist
H ello, Simba, king of beasts, welcome to the Dr. Laura Dolittle Show. What’s on your mind?
Doctor, it’s my son. First, he shaves his mane. Then he says he don’t wanna be king. Last night at the table, he tells me he won’t eat meat. Says it’s all wrong, says he won’t eat anything with a face. Now I hear he’s dating an antelope. We’re carnivores, for Pete’s sake! What the hell is it with these kids?
It’s bad parenting, Simba. That’s the problem. Tell me, what quality time do you spend with your son?
We used to do a lot of things together. When hewas young, on weekends, we’d go in and eat a whole village. Now, he says that’s cruel. He’s even threatening to have himself declawed.
Simba, how do you expect to control the jungle when you can’t even control your own child? When he first stepped out of line, did you discipline him? Like many of your generation, you’ve given your kid too much freedom. Now you’ve got to rein him in.
Thanks, Laura. You’re right. When he gets home from the fur protest, he’s gonna get it.
Hello, Buster Bulldog in Michigan. Speak.
Hi, Laura. Lately, when my master’s out, I’ve been getting up on the couch. I know I’m not supposed to, but I just sort of do it. And I’m wondering, does that make me a bad dog?
Why the couch, Buster?
Oh, wow. It was always this way. Going up there, it’s—well—empowering.
Are you on the couch now?
No. Well … yeah.
Did you ever read my book,
Ten Things Dogs Do to Mess Up the Furniture?
Yeah. Well, actually, no. I’m not good with books. I chew them.
Does your master know about the couch?
I think he suspects. I try not to shed or stain the upholstery, but there’s only so much you can do.
Buster, how long have you been pulling these stunts to get attention?
Look, Laura, this isn’t my fault. He forced me into this. He doesn’t care anymore. Ever since I got fixed, he doesn’t even want to pet me.
Buster, I hear this all the time: “My master doesn’t understand me. I want something more. So it’s OK to go up on the couch;
he’s
the one who left me alone. It’s OK to drink out of the
Enterprise
passed through that cloud of ionized estrogen particles? I was in my quarters with Yeoman Rand. I was straightening her uniform when I suddenly felt a backlash. I think that cloud was, in fact, a sentient being that has infiltrated our minds. This thing, whatever it is, turns men and women against each other!
WE … MUST … FIGHT … THIS … THING!
Your honor, are we so enslaved by this cloud that we have forgotten the traditions of military self-preservation? To kill this creature, we must do as officers have always done. We must close ranks! We must raise our shields!
Because let me remind you, gentlemen …
Nobody here is squeaky clean.
Spock, don’t think I’m unaware of what you do during those mind melds. And Scotty, how many women have you invited down to engineering to examine your “antimatter pods”? Bones, didn’t you once have some trouble with Tribbles? And your honor, didn’t you divorce your first wife after finding out that, in fact, she was a shape-shifting man?
I OBJECT, YOUR HONOR! Kirk is trying to coer—
Pipe down, Starr! Objection overruled. The captain here has raised some interesting points.…
Captains Log Supplemental: After long negotiations, I have accepted an honorable discharge, with full compensation and the sealing of all court records. I have begun work on my book and also plan to do some consulting for Star Fleet. Tomorrow, I set a course for my new five-year mission—on the pleasure planet, Raisa. Indeed, I plan to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Doctor Dosomething
If I could talk to the animals.
—Doctor Dolittle,
children’s classic, now out on video
We have this time on the air to focus on how to
be not just human animals but moral animals.
—Doctor Laura, radio’s most popular therapist
H ello, Simba, king of beasts, welcome to the Dr. Laura Dolittle Show. What’s on your mind?
Doctor, it’s my son. First, he shaves his mane. Then he says he don’t wanna be king. Last night at the table, he tells me he won’t eat meat. Says it’s all wrong, says he won’t eat anything with a face. Now I hear he’s dating an antelope. We’re carnivores, for Pete’s sake! What the hell is it with these kids?
It’s bad parenting, Simba. That’s the problem. Tell me, what quality time do you spend with your son?
We used to do a lot of things together. When hewas young, on weekends, we’d go in and eat a whole village. Now, he says that’s cruel. He’s even threatening to have himself declawed.
Simba, how do you expect to control the jungle when you can’t even control your own child? When he first stepped out of line, did you discipline him? Like many of your generation, you’ve given your kid too much freedom. Now you’ve got to rein him in.
Thanks, Laura. You’re right. When he gets home from the fur protest, he’s gonna get it.
Hello, Buster Bulldog in Michigan. Speak.
Hi, Laura. Lately, when my master’s out, I’ve been getting up on the couch. I know I’m not supposed to, but I just sort of do it. And I’m wondering, does that make me a bad dog?
Why the couch, Buster?
Oh, wow. It was always this way. Going up there, it’s—well—empowering.
Are you on the couch now?
No. Well … yeah.
Did you ever read my book,
Ten Things Dogs Do to Mess Up the Furniture?
Yeah. Well, actually, no. I’m not good with books. I chew them.
Does your master know about the couch?
I think he suspects. I try not to shed or stain the upholstery, but there’s only so much you can do.
Buster, how long have you been pulling these stunts to get attention?
Look, Laura, this isn’t my fault. He forced me into this. He doesn’t care anymore. Ever since I got fixed, he doesn’t even want to pet me.
Buster, I hear this all the time: “My master doesn’t understand me. I want something more. So it’s OK to go up on the couch;
he’s
the one who left me alone. It’s OK to drink out of the
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