Read Online Zombiez! by OJ Wolfsmasher - Free Book Online Page B

woman shifted from
the man who pushed her to the man who caught her. She brushed him
off and spat, “LET ME GO, CREEP!”
    “Creep? Excuse me? You got yourself pushed
into me!” said the man, obviously not happy to be attacked by
someone he had so graciously refrained from dropping.
    “YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TOUCH MY BOOB.
BOOB-TOUCHER!”
    “What the...you are one crazy lady. Don't you
know who I am?”
    “I don't know and I don't fuckin' care. Mama
didn't carry this body for nine months to get groped by the likes
of you, whoever you are.”
    The mental picture of this wild-eyed woman's
gestation period floated through the heads of everyone in the room,
making the dire situation even direr. The man in the suit nodded to
an attractive blonde woman next to him, who was also wearing a suit
and carrying a briefcase. She looked at him, rolled her eyes, and
sprang into action.
    “That's the one-and-only Dr. Albiers Burnett,
bitch. You know, the U.S. CON-GRESS-MAN?” overemphasized the young
woman as if she thought the crazy lady had trouble understanding
English. “You should consider yourself blessed that he even caught
your bony ass.”
    Burnett gently grabbed her arm as if to say,
“Don't bother...she's not worth the time.” He did not verbally say
that, though, because he was a true Jedi in the ways of not
offending potential constituents.
    The wild-eyed woman's eyes got even wilder,
and people backed slowly away from her and the two well-dressed
people, afraid of what would happen next. The young women shook off
the congressional grasp and stepped between the crazy eyes and
lasers they were shooting at the one who supposedly touched her
boob. The two women just scowled at each other for a second.
    Some idiot said, “O-Ho! Looks like there's
about to be a GIRL FIGHT, dudes!”
    But nobody even heard him. The moaning
outside was even momentarily forgotten, at least until the sound of
a cocking gun reverberated off the chapel's gray stone walls. The
doctor stood with his gun trained on the wild-eyed woman. If I
don't step in here , he thought, these people won't need
protection from zombies, because they will have already eaten each
other alive .
    “I've killed 50 dead people today, and I'm
not in the mood for this,” said the doctor.
    The crazy lady looked at him, crossed her
eyes, and hissed.
    The doctor held her gaze. “Just try me, I
dare you.”
    It was enough to make the lady forget her
newest grudges and remember all the zombies. She looked away from
the attractive lady with a harrumph and trudged down some stone
stairs into the darkness below, taking care to throw her shoulder
into the congressman as she passed in an expression of impotent
frustration.
    “Ee can't belEEve you peyople!” said a tall,
beefy man with a buzz-cut. He was seated on top of an
ornately-decorated stone crypt in the front of the room. “Cin't you
seea that we nid ta stee-ak toegether? For gosh's seyak! Zombiez!”
His thick Irish accent poked through everyone in the room like
rusty nails through a steak.
    “Please stop talking, everyone! I need to
think clearly!” the scientist proclaimed as he sat down and put his
hands over his ears.
    Unbeknownst to him, and directly beneath him,
a high-tech-sunglass-clad face shivered in fear, not wanting to be
discovered by anyone or anything. It was praying to Whatever Exists
Up There to keep him and his new sunglasses alive and intact. The
man attached to the face then started to wonder if God might be a
chick, and shuddered.

THE CRAZY LADY
    Rose Fitzgerald Walker-Hughes held the small
brown bottle in her leathery and yellowed hands, pausing to feel
the power that accompanied the decision whether or not to take her
crazy pills. This was her daily morning power trip, and it always
went the same way – looking down at the bottle, tilting it so the
tiny peas inside rolled from one side to the other, and allowing a
feeling of absolute power to flood into her inner mind. She had
total