Read Online Youth Without God by Odon Von Horvath - Free Book Online Page B

who Adam was—Z.
    And now I had to peep into the diary.
    Wednesday
.
    Arrived at the camp yesterday. Everything very jolly. It’s evening now, couldn’t get down to write yesterday, everybody fagged out with putting up tents. We’ve got a flag too—and an old fool of a sergeant who can’t see when we’re taking the rise out of him—we’re quicker. Thank the lord we hardly ever see our form-master. He’s always going about with a doleful face, and he doesn’t care two hoots about us. N’s another fool. Now he’s yelling at me for the second time to put out the candle, but I’m not having any or I’d never get this diary filled in and I want memories for my life. This afternoon we did a super march, right to the foot of the mountains. On the way we came across cliffs with a number of holes in them—caves. All at once the sergeant raps out an order, spread out and advance through the brush towards an imaginary enemy, which he pointed out to us hidden behind a ridge and armed with heavy machine-guns. We spread out, leaving a pretty good space between each of us, but the brushwood grew thicker and thicker and soon I couldn’t see right or left, I was cut off, I’d lost my bearings. Then I came to one of the cliffs, with a cave in it. I think I must have gone round in a circle—and there was a girl standing in front of me. A darkish blonde with a red blouse. Where the dickens could she have sprung from? She asked me who I was. I told her. She had two chaps with her about my age, both barefooted and very ragged. They didn’t look too friendly. The girl told them they could go, and she’d show me the way back through the brush. I was jolly glad. Shecame with me. I asked her where she lived and she told me, in the cliffs. But on the Army map I had there was no house marked round here anywhere. The map’s wrong, I thought. We came to the edge of the brushwood and I caught a glimpse of the camp in the distance. She stopped and said she must turn back now and she’d give me a kiss if I wouldn’t tell a soul I’d seen her. Why? I asked her. Because she didn’t want it known, she said. I told her that was all right, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. That wouldn’t do, I told her, a kiss is only a kiss on the lips. She did it and put her tongue in my mouth. I told her she was a pig, what did she mean by that. She laughed and gave me another one. I pushed her off. She picked up a stone and threw it at me. If it had caught me on the head—! I told her she might have done for me. She said that wouldn’t trouble her. They’d hang you, though, I said. She said it wouldn’t matter much. Suddenly I felt—well, scared. She told me to come near her. I didn’t want to be a coward, I went. She suddenly took hold of me and kissed me again, with her tongue in my mouth. I got furious. I grabbed a branch and laid into her. I struck her on the back and on the shoulders, but not on the head. She didn’t scream or anything. She collapsed. There she was lying on the ground. I was terrified. I thought she might be dead! I went up to her and touched her with the branch. She didn’t move. She just lay there as if she were done for. I wanted to run, but then I saw through her game—she was pretending. Her eyes were blinking up at me. I went near her again. She wasn’t dead. I’ve seen a few deadpeople, and they look quite different. When I was seven, I saw a dead policeman and four workers. Some strike was on. You wait, I thought! You wanted to give me a start, but you were too quick. I gently slid my hands under her coat and then pushed it up. She had no knickers on. Still she kept as quiet as a mouse—but not I, by now. Then suddenly she jerked herself up and pulled me down on her madly. We made love. Just near by was a huge ant-heap. After, I promised I’d tell nobody I’d seen her. She ran off then. I forgot to ask her her name.
    Thursday
.
    We’ve got the sentries out now against the robber band. There goes N,