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Book: Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row by Damien Echols, Lorri Davis
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Authors: Damien Echols, Lorri Davis
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the only thing that kept me sane. Seeing you walk out the door was the worst pain I have ever felt. At that moment, I would rather have gone blind than to have to see you leave.
Isn’t it so wonderful to be completely overpowered by these feelings and emotions, even if they do also bring pain? To feel it so strongly that it destroys any hope of rational thought, action, or feeling? I love it. It’s impossible to not be completely swept away, devoured. Nothing else could even come close to it. This is what I have been looking for my entire life, but I never even knew what I was looking for. All I knew was that I had a huge hole in me, a sense of emptiness that nothing ever filled, but now I have a sense of being complete, the hole is gone, the emptiness is gone, the pain is gone, everything is gone, and now everything fits together. This is why I am here, this is what was meant to be. Words are so useless now, it’s as if I could keep talking forever and still never even come close to saying what I want to say, what I feel. But I know you understand.
Yesterday, I loved when we were both silent as much or more than when we were talking. The bits of silence were when I could feel the strongest sense of peace, the feeling of all being as it should be. I wish I could have prolonged them for eternity. To be able to just sit and feel you, look at you, to know you are so near. It’s just one more thing in a long list of things that I will never be able to describe.
*
Another thing I really hate about being here is that I have to wear the same clothes all the time, I can never wear what I want to. And today, I have an incredible urge to wear a suit, vest, and tie. I don’t know why, it’s just something I feel like doing today. I thought a lotabout what you were saying about wanting me to let you dress me in your clothes, and how you think it would be fun, and I have another idea, another plan. One night, you can dress me completely as a woman, I will dress you completely as a man, even hide your hair under a hat, and we will go out like that, just to see if anyone can even notice. We have to take lots of pictures, and we have to ride in a horse and buggy. Maybe that would be great. It would be just like in The Witching Hour when Julian and his sister did the same thing. She was evening smoking a cigar! They became the scandal of the entire town. We have to do that.
*
I thought you were going to start crying on the phone this morning, I couldn’t take it. It’s unbearable to hear you cry, especially when I can’t be there to help, to hold you. It’s agony. You were talking about how you felt bad because you were losing control. Lorri, it’s not bad if you just stop trying to control it. Just release all control and let it happen as it will, and I promise that you’ll feel better, you’ll love it. Just let it run and spread like wildfire. Trust me, OK? Everything’s going to be fine. We’re together, and nothing else matters. Just let everything else melt away. Nothing else matters.
*
They just told me that my father and his wife will be here to see me on Monday. This will be an ordeal. How will I carry on a conversation with anyone in the state that I’m in now? I can’t pay attention without drifting off, I can’t even think without my thoughts coming full circle to land right back on you, constantly wondering what you are thinking at every moment, wondering what you’re doing, wondering exactly how you’re feeling. It’s a never-ending cycle. I wonder if my father will even be able to tell thedifference. He always seems to be so caught up in himself that he more than likely won’t even notice. I guess that’s good for now though. At least I won’t have to answer 10,000 questions, the main one being, “What’s wrong?” I hate that question, and it seems that I hear it more and more often lately. Oh well.
Forever and after to my dearest one,
Damien
July 29, 1996
Dearest Damien,
I am now at
Isn’t it so wonderful to be completely overpowered by these feelings and emotions, even if they do also bring pain? To feel it so strongly that it destroys any hope of rational thought, action, or feeling? I love it. It’s impossible to not be completely swept away, devoured. Nothing else could even come close to it. This is what I have been looking for my entire life, but I never even knew what I was looking for. All I knew was that I had a huge hole in me, a sense of emptiness that nothing ever filled, but now I have a sense of being complete, the hole is gone, the emptiness is gone, the pain is gone, everything is gone, and now everything fits together. This is why I am here, this is what was meant to be. Words are so useless now, it’s as if I could keep talking forever and still never even come close to saying what I want to say, what I feel. But I know you understand.
Yesterday, I loved when we were both silent as much or more than when we were talking. The bits of silence were when I could feel the strongest sense of peace, the feeling of all being as it should be. I wish I could have prolonged them for eternity. To be able to just sit and feel you, look at you, to know you are so near. It’s just one more thing in a long list of things that I will never be able to describe.
*
Another thing I really hate about being here is that I have to wear the same clothes all the time, I can never wear what I want to. And today, I have an incredible urge to wear a suit, vest, and tie. I don’t know why, it’s just something I feel like doing today. I thought a lotabout what you were saying about wanting me to let you dress me in your clothes, and how you think it would be fun, and I have another idea, another plan. One night, you can dress me completely as a woman, I will dress you completely as a man, even hide your hair under a hat, and we will go out like that, just to see if anyone can even notice. We have to take lots of pictures, and we have to ride in a horse and buggy. Maybe that would be great. It would be just like in The Witching Hour when Julian and his sister did the same thing. She was evening smoking a cigar! They became the scandal of the entire town. We have to do that.
*
I thought you were going to start crying on the phone this morning, I couldn’t take it. It’s unbearable to hear you cry, especially when I can’t be there to help, to hold you. It’s agony. You were talking about how you felt bad because you were losing control. Lorri, it’s not bad if you just stop trying to control it. Just release all control and let it happen as it will, and I promise that you’ll feel better, you’ll love it. Just let it run and spread like wildfire. Trust me, OK? Everything’s going to be fine. We’re together, and nothing else matters. Just let everything else melt away. Nothing else matters.
*
They just told me that my father and his wife will be here to see me on Monday. This will be an ordeal. How will I carry on a conversation with anyone in the state that I’m in now? I can’t pay attention without drifting off, I can’t even think without my thoughts coming full circle to land right back on you, constantly wondering what you are thinking at every moment, wondering what you’re doing, wondering exactly how you’re feeling. It’s a never-ending cycle. I wonder if my father will even be able to tell thedifference. He always seems to be so caught up in himself that he more than likely won’t even notice. I guess that’s good for now though. At least I won’t have to answer 10,000 questions, the main one being, “What’s wrong?” I hate that question, and it seems that I hear it more and more often lately. Oh well.
Forever and after to my dearest one,
Damien
July 29, 1996
Dearest Damien,
I am now at
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