Read Online You Deserve a Drink: Boozy Misadventures and Tales of Debauchery by Mamrie Hart - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Mamrie Hart
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with vinegar. I wasn’t going to be mean about it. I wanted to make him feel bad! I wanted to slather him in honey. After all, there was already enough vinegar with that douche hanging out. Hey-yo. *
Ladies and gentleman, this is the response I got back:
ohmygod no no no no no that was one of my
‘friends’ who shares my account, I LOVE THESE
VIDEOS!!!!! trust me!!!!! i know grace edits them,
it says at the end:/ I LOVE YOU MAMRIE!!!!!
THAT WASN’T ME I SWEAR!!!!
Here’s what I’ve noticed from these little responses of mine. Whenever I call someone out on crossing the line or just a sheer correction, nine out of ten times they have an excuse. It’s never, “Sorry if that hurt your feelings, that’s just my truth”; it’s always . . .
You totally read that the wrong way!!! I looooove you!
My brother signed into my account and typed that!!
I meant to type that on a different video!!!!!
A SUPER bitchy ghost just possessed my body & typed that!!
You misunderstood!! That wasn’t English!! When translated into Klingdingdong it means “I’m OBSESSED WIT U!!!!”
It’s always some lame excuse. Their thighs gotta hurt from all that backpedaling. But you have to remember (you being myself on YouTube, or if you are getting hate in e-mail, or anonymous messages in any form), these people would never say this stuff to your face. It’s like when your friend drinks way too many margaritas and calls you an asshole. You take it with a grain of salt (or lots of grains of salt, when you promptly pound enough tequila shots to get on their level), because you know it’s the booze talking. People who are constantly mean on the Internet are basically drunk assholes, word-vomiting out rude comments. You can’t take them seriously.
The Genius
Your an asshole
YOU’RE a genius.
Leaves of Three Martini
3 oz cucumber juice
6 basil leaves
2 oz gin
½ oz simple syrup
Celery bitters
Time to break out that juicer you bought two years ago that’s been collecting dust on your shelf ever since! Bust out that bad boy to make the cuke juice. And if you don’t have a juicer (or a friend with lofty health goals), just sub lime juice.
Throw 3 basil leaves into a shaker with the cucumber juice. Muddle it together. If you don’t have a muddler, you can always use a wooden spoon or a novelty-size baseball bat. Add the gin and simple syrup. Then swirl it all around—don’t shake! Shaking the gin will make it bruise quicker than the knees of a hemophiliac after a blow job. Strain into a pretty glass, garnish with the remaining 3 basil leaves, and use an atomizer to spray 3 big mists of celery bitters over the top. If you don’t have an atomizer or are allergic to class, add 1 or 2 drops of bitters.
I n the film masterpiece
She’s All That
, Freddie Prinze Jr.’s character is under a lot of pressure from his dad to go to Dartmouth. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all felt that FPJ parental pressure when it comes to picking colleges, right? Umm . . .
wrong
! Where I’mfrom, the fact that I was graduating high school was already way impressive, so college was just icing on the Bo-Berry Biscuit. *
When it came time to apply to colleges, I really had no idea where to go. My initial plan was to get as far away from North Carolina as possible. True story—I had the option to have my pre-SAT scores automatically sent to a college of my choice, and I chose Brigham Young University–Hawaii. Yes, Brigham Young as in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had no idea it was a Mormon school; I just saw the word
Hawaii
on the form and went for it.
My dreams of wearing a grass skirt and sipping mai tais during calculus went out the window when I got my scores back. There was no way I was getting a full ride on that number, never mind the fact that
I’m not a Mormon
. I was bummed. My GPA was higher than 4.0, but I guess SATs weren’t my thing. It didn’t help that they scheduled the SATs for the same
Ladies and gentleman, this is the response I got back:
ohmygod no no no no no that was one of my
‘friends’ who shares my account, I LOVE THESE
VIDEOS!!!!! trust me!!!!! i know grace edits them,
it says at the end:/ I LOVE YOU MAMRIE!!!!!
THAT WASN’T ME I SWEAR!!!!
Here’s what I’ve noticed from these little responses of mine. Whenever I call someone out on crossing the line or just a sheer correction, nine out of ten times they have an excuse. It’s never, “Sorry if that hurt your feelings, that’s just my truth”; it’s always . . .
You totally read that the wrong way!!! I looooove you!
My brother signed into my account and typed that!!
I meant to type that on a different video!!!!!
A SUPER bitchy ghost just possessed my body & typed that!!
You misunderstood!! That wasn’t English!! When translated into Klingdingdong it means “I’m OBSESSED WIT U!!!!”
It’s always some lame excuse. Their thighs gotta hurt from all that backpedaling. But you have to remember (you being myself on YouTube, or if you are getting hate in e-mail, or anonymous messages in any form), these people would never say this stuff to your face. It’s like when your friend drinks way too many margaritas and calls you an asshole. You take it with a grain of salt (or lots of grains of salt, when you promptly pound enough tequila shots to get on their level), because you know it’s the booze talking. People who are constantly mean on the Internet are basically drunk assholes, word-vomiting out rude comments. You can’t take them seriously.
The Genius
Your an asshole
YOU’RE a genius.
Leaves of Three Martini
3 oz cucumber juice
6 basil leaves
2 oz gin
½ oz simple syrup
Celery bitters
Time to break out that juicer you bought two years ago that’s been collecting dust on your shelf ever since! Bust out that bad boy to make the cuke juice. And if you don’t have a juicer (or a friend with lofty health goals), just sub lime juice.
Throw 3 basil leaves into a shaker with the cucumber juice. Muddle it together. If you don’t have a muddler, you can always use a wooden spoon or a novelty-size baseball bat. Add the gin and simple syrup. Then swirl it all around—don’t shake! Shaking the gin will make it bruise quicker than the knees of a hemophiliac after a blow job. Strain into a pretty glass, garnish with the remaining 3 basil leaves, and use an atomizer to spray 3 big mists of celery bitters over the top. If you don’t have an atomizer or are allergic to class, add 1 or 2 drops of bitters.
I n the film masterpiece
She’s All That
, Freddie Prinze Jr.’s character is under a lot of pressure from his dad to go to Dartmouth. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all felt that FPJ parental pressure when it comes to picking colleges, right? Umm . . .
wrong
! Where I’mfrom, the fact that I was graduating high school was already way impressive, so college was just icing on the Bo-Berry Biscuit. *
When it came time to apply to colleges, I really had no idea where to go. My initial plan was to get as far away from North Carolina as possible. True story—I had the option to have my pre-SAT scores automatically sent to a college of my choice, and I chose Brigham Young University–Hawaii. Yes, Brigham Young as in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had no idea it was a Mormon school; I just saw the word
Hawaii
on the form and went for it.
My dreams of wearing a grass skirt and sipping mai tais during calculus went out the window when I got my scores back. There was no way I was getting a full ride on that number, never mind the fact that
I’m not a Mormon
. I was bummed. My GPA was higher than 4.0, but I guess SATs weren’t my thing. It didn’t help that they scheduled the SATs for the same
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