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Authors: Monica Alexander
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our lungs and laughing and kissing for hours because all we wanted was to be as close to each other as possible assaulted me. He’d been the first guy I’d slept with, and for a long time, he was the only guy. He’d been my first real boyfriend. He’d been kind and loving and God, that smile of his, it could tear me apart.
But Ryan Carson had also hurt me worse than anyone on the planet. Because when I needed him the most, he ran the other way, and for that I couldn’t forgive him.
It was the summer after our senior year. I’d held off as long as I could, but after two weeks, I couldn’t wait any longer. I was late, so I took a test, and it was positive. It was the worst news, and I was delivering it at the worst time since we were both set to leave for Yale in two months.
I watched all the color drain from Ryan’s face as I shared with him the news that I’d ruined his life, but then he’d hugged me and told me he loved me and that we’d figure it all out.
But no matter what he said, I hated myself. I hated that I was the self-fulfillin g prophecy my mother had told me I’d become when she found out Ryan and I were sleeping together. She’d had me at seventeen and told me again and again that I was going to be just like her. And I’d proven her right. And the worst part was, I had a goddamn scholarship to fucking Yale. I’d worked my ass off, gotten the grades I’d needed, scored high enough on the SATs, and I’d been accepted. I was getting out – out of a place where I’d never felt like I fit in and where everyone hated me, including my mother. Ryan and I were going together, so we could be together.
And then I’d ruined everything.
But Ryan wouldn’t let me see it that way. He held my hand and kissed me and talked about our future and the plans we’d make and the baby we’d raise, and sure it would be hard, but we’d do it together, and he’d get his trust fun d when he turned twenty-one. Everything would be perfect, because we’d be together.
We wouldn’t tell our parents, because they’d tell us we were nuts. They’d chastise us for being irresponsible and lecture us as if we were kids. But we weren’t kids, and we could handle this. We’d just go to New Haven, live our lives and return home when we could prove to everyone that we’d done it.
And it was the perfect plan until I’d ended up in the hospital when I was eight weeks along. Ryan panicked and called his dad, because he didn’t know what else to do, and his parents had called my mom. And that’s when everything changed.
My mom kicked me out. She told me she didn’t want me in her house, and I had a week to figure out where I would live. So I called Ryan. He said we’d leave together like we’d planned. And he told me he loved me. He was leaving for a week to go to The Vineyard with his dad and his brother. They were going on the same sailing trip they went on every summer, but we’d leave when he got back.
Everything was fine until his mother came to see me. I should have turned her away at the door, but I was trying to be polite, thinking we’d be in each other’s lives forever, so I’d better star t building a relationship with her. So I’d asked her to come in, have a seat and have a glass of iced tea. And I was so stupid to do that.
Not that it would have made a difference, but at least if I hadn’t invited her inside, I wouldn’t have had to listen to the cruel words she’d spouted for the next hour.
Almost as soon as she sat down, s he told me I was making a mistake and I was ruining Ryan’s life. She called me a whore and a gold digger. She told me Ryan had confided in her that he was scared of being a father at such a young age and that he felt trapped, but he’d never tell me that, and she felt it was her obligation to be her son’s voice when he couldn’t do it. I didn’t believe her. I refused to believe her, but after a while, she wore me down.
She let me know in no uncertain terms that
But Ryan Carson had also hurt me worse than anyone on the planet. Because when I needed him the most, he ran the other way, and for that I couldn’t forgive him.
It was the summer after our senior year. I’d held off as long as I could, but after two weeks, I couldn’t wait any longer. I was late, so I took a test, and it was positive. It was the worst news, and I was delivering it at the worst time since we were both set to leave for Yale in two months.
I watched all the color drain from Ryan’s face as I shared with him the news that I’d ruined his life, but then he’d hugged me and told me he loved me and that we’d figure it all out.
But no matter what he said, I hated myself. I hated that I was the self-fulfillin g prophecy my mother had told me I’d become when she found out Ryan and I were sleeping together. She’d had me at seventeen and told me again and again that I was going to be just like her. And I’d proven her right. And the worst part was, I had a goddamn scholarship to fucking Yale. I’d worked my ass off, gotten the grades I’d needed, scored high enough on the SATs, and I’d been accepted. I was getting out – out of a place where I’d never felt like I fit in and where everyone hated me, including my mother. Ryan and I were going together, so we could be together.
And then I’d ruined everything.
But Ryan wouldn’t let me see it that way. He held my hand and kissed me and talked about our future and the plans we’d make and the baby we’d raise, and sure it would be hard, but we’d do it together, and he’d get his trust fun d when he turned twenty-one. Everything would be perfect, because we’d be together.
We wouldn’t tell our parents, because they’d tell us we were nuts. They’d chastise us for being irresponsible and lecture us as if we were kids. But we weren’t kids, and we could handle this. We’d just go to New Haven, live our lives and return home when we could prove to everyone that we’d done it.
And it was the perfect plan until I’d ended up in the hospital when I was eight weeks along. Ryan panicked and called his dad, because he didn’t know what else to do, and his parents had called my mom. And that’s when everything changed.
My mom kicked me out. She told me she didn’t want me in her house, and I had a week to figure out where I would live. So I called Ryan. He said we’d leave together like we’d planned. And he told me he loved me. He was leaving for a week to go to The Vineyard with his dad and his brother. They were going on the same sailing trip they went on every summer, but we’d leave when he got back.
Everything was fine until his mother came to see me. I should have turned her away at the door, but I was trying to be polite, thinking we’d be in each other’s lives forever, so I’d better star t building a relationship with her. So I’d asked her to come in, have a seat and have a glass of iced tea. And I was so stupid to do that.
Not that it would have made a difference, but at least if I hadn’t invited her inside, I wouldn’t have had to listen to the cruel words she’d spouted for the next hour.
Almost as soon as she sat down, s he told me I was making a mistake and I was ruining Ryan’s life. She called me a whore and a gold digger. She told me Ryan had confided in her that he was scared of being a father at such a young age and that he felt trapped, but he’d never tell me that, and she felt it was her obligation to be her son’s voice when he couldn’t do it. I didn’t believe her. I refused to believe her, but after a while, she wore me down.
She let me know in no uncertain terms that
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