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Authors: Kathleen Morgan
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the truth be told, sometimes I actually even fear him.”
“Fear him? Why? Has he ever threatened you or raised a hand to you?”
“No.” Hannah shook her head. “He’s never physically threatened me. For all his animosity toward me, I don’t think Devlin’s that kind of man. It’s just”—she dragged in a deep breath, hesitating over whether she should reveal this even to Abby—“it’s just that he’s family, and I’m not. In the end, if it came down to choosing between Devlin or me, I know you’d have to choose Devlin.”
Abby reached across and grasped her hand. “And you’re still afraid he might force it to that, is that it? That, although Conor and I have never, since that first night you came to Culdee Creek, discussed you leaving, you might yet be asked to do so?”
“Yes.” Hannah hung her head. “And what would I do then? I haven’t many skills save what housekeeping ones you’ve taught me, and what I’ve learned in a brothel.” She lifted her tear-filled gaze to Abby’s. “Still, it’s more than that. I can’t help it, but even after all this time I feel so unclean, so unworthy. I still doubt my strength sometimes. I still don’t trust myself not to return to the old life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Abby,” she hastened to add, when her friend opened her mouth to protest. “If it were only me, I’d die before ever going back to that life. I’d scrabble out any kind of a living I could, even beg and wear rags if need be, just to stay out of another brothel. But it isn’t just me anymore. Now I also have to think of Jackson.”
“Ah, Hannah, Hannah.” Her friend expelled an exasperated breath. “You talk as if you’ve no other options, but that’s not true. You could always get a job somewhere cooking or cleaning. Maybe not in Grand View, but the Springs is a big town and far enough away that no one there would know about your past.
“And what about Evan?” she continued. “We haven’t had much time to talk in the past few weeks, and I know you’ve had your doubts about rushing into marriage, but have you come to any decision about him?”
Hannah paused to take a tentative sip of her tea. It was still quite hot, but it tasted good, soothing chamomile overlaid with a faint bite of mint. “I’m not ready to marry anyone,” she replied finally. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to Evan. My feelings for him are still so confused. I don’t know if I could ever love him like a woman should love a man she wants to wed, and he deserves better than that.”
“You deserve better than that, too.” Abby smiled and patted her hand. “After what you’ve been through, it’s quite understandable you might need a good amount of time to set your heart and head straight. I didn’t mean to imply Evan was the answer to all your problems, unless you saw him in that light. And I’m grateful you’ve never chosen to take advantage of his affection for you.”
Hannah smiled ruefully. “You give me too much credit. Marriage to him as the answer to all my problems has crossed my mind many a time. Especially when things get bad with Devlin. But that’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” Abby leaned forward, concern now darkening her eyes. “Tell me, and let me help.”
Hannah gave a wry laugh. “That is the problem. You’re a comfort and help to everyone, and I … well, I fail everyone who ever needs me.”
Her friend frowned in puzzlement. “I don’t understand. You’re a kind, generous woman.”
Pain lanced through Hannah. It was so hard to reveal such a shameful secret—especially to Abby, who trusted and cared for her. “It’s all a lie, a face I put on to please others and protect myself,” she blurted at last. “But there’s nothing of any value beneath that pleasant shell. I have nothing to offer to others. Nothing!”
“You were there for Ella in her last moments. And she told me the story about that poor Chinese girl you befriended. You didn’t fail
“Fear him? Why? Has he ever threatened you or raised a hand to you?”
“No.” Hannah shook her head. “He’s never physically threatened me. For all his animosity toward me, I don’t think Devlin’s that kind of man. It’s just”—she dragged in a deep breath, hesitating over whether she should reveal this even to Abby—“it’s just that he’s family, and I’m not. In the end, if it came down to choosing between Devlin or me, I know you’d have to choose Devlin.”
Abby reached across and grasped her hand. “And you’re still afraid he might force it to that, is that it? That, although Conor and I have never, since that first night you came to Culdee Creek, discussed you leaving, you might yet be asked to do so?”
“Yes.” Hannah hung her head. “And what would I do then? I haven’t many skills save what housekeeping ones you’ve taught me, and what I’ve learned in a brothel.” She lifted her tear-filled gaze to Abby’s. “Still, it’s more than that. I can’t help it, but even after all this time I feel so unclean, so unworthy. I still doubt my strength sometimes. I still don’t trust myself not to return to the old life.
“Don’t get me wrong, Abby,” she hastened to add, when her friend opened her mouth to protest. “If it were only me, I’d die before ever going back to that life. I’d scrabble out any kind of a living I could, even beg and wear rags if need be, just to stay out of another brothel. But it isn’t just me anymore. Now I also have to think of Jackson.”
“Ah, Hannah, Hannah.” Her friend expelled an exasperated breath. “You talk as if you’ve no other options, but that’s not true. You could always get a job somewhere cooking or cleaning. Maybe not in Grand View, but the Springs is a big town and far enough away that no one there would know about your past.
“And what about Evan?” she continued. “We haven’t had much time to talk in the past few weeks, and I know you’ve had your doubts about rushing into marriage, but have you come to any decision about him?”
Hannah paused to take a tentative sip of her tea. It was still quite hot, but it tasted good, soothing chamomile overlaid with a faint bite of mint. “I’m not ready to marry anyone,” she replied finally. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to Evan. My feelings for him are still so confused. I don’t know if I could ever love him like a woman should love a man she wants to wed, and he deserves better than that.”
“You deserve better than that, too.” Abby smiled and patted her hand. “After what you’ve been through, it’s quite understandable you might need a good amount of time to set your heart and head straight. I didn’t mean to imply Evan was the answer to all your problems, unless you saw him in that light. And I’m grateful you’ve never chosen to take advantage of his affection for you.”
Hannah smiled ruefully. “You give me too much credit. Marriage to him as the answer to all my problems has crossed my mind many a time. Especially when things get bad with Devlin. But that’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” Abby leaned forward, concern now darkening her eyes. “Tell me, and let me help.”
Hannah gave a wry laugh. “That is the problem. You’re a comfort and help to everyone, and I … well, I fail everyone who ever needs me.”
Her friend frowned in puzzlement. “I don’t understand. You’re a kind, generous woman.”
Pain lanced through Hannah. It was so hard to reveal such a shameful secret—especially to Abby, who trusted and cared for her. “It’s all a lie, a face I put on to please others and protect myself,” she blurted at last. “But there’s nothing of any value beneath that pleasant shell. I have nothing to offer to others. Nothing!”
“You were there for Ella in her last moments. And she told me the story about that poor Chinese girl you befriended. You didn’t fail
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