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Authors: Louise Rennison
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myself. “The way he…what?”
“Well, he goes out wi’ girls and snogs ‘em and then he dumps ‘em. And gets another one, and then he goes back t’first and gets ‘er again and then dumps ‘er again. The amount of crying about that lad.”
I said, “Well…I mean, more fool the girls for going out with him.”
Ruby said, “Oh, he nivver takes ‘em out anywhere. They just turn up to see his gigs.”
I said, “What do you mean, ‘they just turn up to see his gigs’?”
Ruby sighed, “The Hinchcliff boys formed a band called The Jones. They’re right boring, they just moan on about stuff.”
I said, “Like what?”
Ruby crinkled her nose up. “You know, stuff like…‘Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it’s really serious’ is one of their tunes. They’ve got one that Cain wrote about his girlfriend at the time. It’s called ‘Shut up, mardy bum.’
We’d reached an old barn and Ruby stopped her tale of Cain the Cad to say, “The eggs are in here at the far end. I’ll just make sure Connie’s not around or she’ll attack our heads.”
Connie? Attack our heads?
I said, “Does Connie own the barn?”
Ruby said, “No, tha great Jessie, Connie’s the big mother owl.”
Now I remembered Connie, snoozing as she ate the mouse.
I pulled my hat down.
We went further into the dark barn and over to some hay bales. And there they were, the eggs, two of them. Glowing sort of whitely. We looked at them for a bit. It’s quite fascinating, but, um, boring. I said, “When will they, you know, come out?”
She said, “Dust tha mean hatch?”
I nodded.
She said, “Abaht three to four weeks, I reckon.”
We looked at them again.
Ruby said, “They’re nice eggs, aren’t they?”
I said to Ruby, “Ruby, do you think that we all have egginess in common?”
She looked at me. “Dad said this would happen. He said that you were all barmy and that if I hung around with you it would only be a matter of time before I was prancing around like a tit.”
I said, “It’s not me. This posh girl called Lavinia did an eggy performance. She said that she became more egg-shaped as she did it. I only did my accidental comedy version of Irish dancing.”
Ruby said, “Go on then, do it for me.”
I said, “I feel a bit shy.”
Ruby just looked at me. “That’ll be a help when your on’t stage in front of folk.”
I said, “Alright I will…I’ll do it, I’ll just get in the mood by doing the intro music first.”
Ruby sat on a hay bale and I got up on another one.
I started singing, “Well, hiddly diddly diddly dee. We’re all off to Dublin in the green, in the green, hiddly diddly diddle dee…” And went into my dance. Arms by the side and leaping, leaping, leap. High kick, high kick, twirly ankle, twirly ankle.
Ruby was laughing like a drain when I heard the barn door creak open and a deep voice said, “Ruby, are you in here?”
Cain!
I tried to get behind the hay bale and promptly fell over it. Nearly smashing the owl eggs as well. As I was lying in the hay, the best-looking boy I have ever seen loomed over me. He was tall and long-limbed with a cool Fred Perry shirt on. I could see he had longish, thick hair and a lovely broad mouth. He smiled at me and held out a hand to pull me up.
“Hello, I’m Alex, Ruby’s brother.”
I said, “Hello, I’m…um…”
And I’d forgotten my own name.
Ruby seemed unfazed by this. She said, “She’s called Tallulah and she goes to that bonkers school.”
Alex laughed. “Rubes thinks that anyone who prats around on stage is mad.”
I said, “Heehee, your dad said me and my friends were breeding.”
Were you supposed to say ‘breeding’ in front of best-looking boys?
To cover it up I said, “I nearly smashed up the owl eggs, but I didn’t and I’m glad because we…we’re all like eggs…in a way.”
Ruby said, “Dunt start that bloody egg business agin.”
It turns out that Alex is going to go to performing arts
“Well, he goes out wi’ girls and snogs ‘em and then he dumps ‘em. And gets another one, and then he goes back t’first and gets ‘er again and then dumps ‘er again. The amount of crying about that lad.”
I said, “Well…I mean, more fool the girls for going out with him.”
Ruby said, “Oh, he nivver takes ‘em out anywhere. They just turn up to see his gigs.”
I said, “What do you mean, ‘they just turn up to see his gigs’?”
Ruby sighed, “The Hinchcliff boys formed a band called The Jones. They’re right boring, they just moan on about stuff.”
I said, “Like what?”
Ruby crinkled her nose up. “You know, stuff like…‘Girlfriend in the river, I know, I know it’s really serious’ is one of their tunes. They’ve got one that Cain wrote about his girlfriend at the time. It’s called ‘Shut up, mardy bum.’
We’d reached an old barn and Ruby stopped her tale of Cain the Cad to say, “The eggs are in here at the far end. I’ll just make sure Connie’s not around or she’ll attack our heads.”
Connie? Attack our heads?
I said, “Does Connie own the barn?”
Ruby said, “No, tha great Jessie, Connie’s the big mother owl.”
Now I remembered Connie, snoozing as she ate the mouse.
I pulled my hat down.
We went further into the dark barn and over to some hay bales. And there they were, the eggs, two of them. Glowing sort of whitely. We looked at them for a bit. It’s quite fascinating, but, um, boring. I said, “When will they, you know, come out?”
She said, “Dust tha mean hatch?”
I nodded.
She said, “Abaht three to four weeks, I reckon.”
We looked at them again.
Ruby said, “They’re nice eggs, aren’t they?”
I said to Ruby, “Ruby, do you think that we all have egginess in common?”
She looked at me. “Dad said this would happen. He said that you were all barmy and that if I hung around with you it would only be a matter of time before I was prancing around like a tit.”
I said, “It’s not me. This posh girl called Lavinia did an eggy performance. She said that she became more egg-shaped as she did it. I only did my accidental comedy version of Irish dancing.”
Ruby said, “Go on then, do it for me.”
I said, “I feel a bit shy.”
Ruby just looked at me. “That’ll be a help when your on’t stage in front of folk.”
I said, “Alright I will…I’ll do it, I’ll just get in the mood by doing the intro music first.”
Ruby sat on a hay bale and I got up on another one.
I started singing, “Well, hiddly diddly diddly dee. We’re all off to Dublin in the green, in the green, hiddly diddly diddle dee…” And went into my dance. Arms by the side and leaping, leaping, leap. High kick, high kick, twirly ankle, twirly ankle.
Ruby was laughing like a drain when I heard the barn door creak open and a deep voice said, “Ruby, are you in here?”
Cain!
I tried to get behind the hay bale and promptly fell over it. Nearly smashing the owl eggs as well. As I was lying in the hay, the best-looking boy I have ever seen loomed over me. He was tall and long-limbed with a cool Fred Perry shirt on. I could see he had longish, thick hair and a lovely broad mouth. He smiled at me and held out a hand to pull me up.
“Hello, I’m Alex, Ruby’s brother.”
I said, “Hello, I’m…um…”
And I’d forgotten my own name.
Ruby seemed unfazed by this. She said, “She’s called Tallulah and she goes to that bonkers school.”
Alex laughed. “Rubes thinks that anyone who prats around on stage is mad.”
I said, “Heehee, your dad said me and my friends were breeding.”
Were you supposed to say ‘breeding’ in front of best-looking boys?
To cover it up I said, “I nearly smashed up the owl eggs, but I didn’t and I’m glad because we…we’re all like eggs…in a way.”
Ruby said, “Dunt start that bloody egg business agin.”
It turns out that Alex is going to go to performing arts
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