Read Online When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? by George Carlin - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: George Carlin
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before were not really reruns, they were encore presentations. At about that time I noticed soap operas had begun billing themselves as daytime dramas.
Theaters felt overdue for an upgrade, too, so they became performing arts centers, or sometimes performance spacesin keeping with the spirit of certain nightclubs who now speak of themselves as party spaces. (The really hip just call them spaces?) While all this was happening in smaller locations, the big arenas decided they wanted to be known as events centers.
Center is another word that’s become important. Hospitals have long thought of themselves as medical centers, but now libraries have joined the cho-
rus, calling themselves learning resources centers. And just to wrap this section up and returning to show business for a momentno matter what size the place where entertainment was being presented, at some point it was decided they would all just be called venues.
Systems, facilities, spaces, centers and venues: They’re all words to keep an eye on in today’s atmosphere of increasing self-importance.
YOU WANT MORE CHANGES?
Profits became earnings, personnel became human resources, the complaint department became customer relations. People started offering feedback instead of criticism; car sickness turned into motion discomfort; messengers became couriers; junk mail morphed into direct marketing; special delivery was suddenly priority mail; and after all these years, I picked up the phone and discovered information was identifying itself as directory assistance. I don’t even want to mention my dismay at the fact that every old-fashioned, shady used-car dealer in a plaid jacket was suddenly selling certifiedpre-owned vehicles.
By this time, the dump had become the landfill. I guess it was inevitable; the garbagemen who fill it had long since become sanitation engineers, and in some cities, garbage collection was going by the fancy (and misleading) name environmental services.
The changes even got me where I lived. According to the Census Bureau, my apartment had become a dwelling unit, and when I asked my janitor to put & peephole in the door, I discovered later that actually the custodial engineerhad installed an observation port.
Change of pace: One day, a bucktoothed girl told me she had overbite. That was the day I traded in my glasses for prescription eyewear.
Of course, some of these language upgrades are more widespread than
others: admittedly, they’re not all universal. For instance, we still have motels, but some of them wanted to charge a little more, so they became motor lodges. We also still have house trailers, but if they’re for sale and profits are involved, they become motor homes, mobile homes, modular homes or manufactured housing.
So apparently, what we thought all this time was a trailer park is actually a manufactured-home community. I guess the lesson is we never quite know what we’re dealing with. Could it be that all these years on the Jerry Springer show we’ve actually been watching manufactured-home-community trash?
I HAVE A DRUG (STORE) PROBLEM
I guess you’ve noticed a trip to the drugstore has changed a lot too; the products have all been transformed. To start with, the medicine 1 used to take is now called medication. (I have a hunch medication costs more than medicine.) Mouthwashes are dental rinses, deodorants have been joined on the shelf by antiperspirants (probably because sweat has become nervous wetness), a plain old bar of soap these days is being described variously as a bath bar, a cleansing bar and a clarifying bar. Can you imagine a mother saying, “Young man, if I hear that word out of you one more time, I’m going to wash your mouth out with a clarifying bar’} Doesn’t sound right, does it?
The hair people have taken liberties, too: hair spraytoo ordinary. Try holding mist. Of course, if you don’t want holding mist, you can always turn to shaping mousse or sculpting gel. Anything to get you to
Theaters felt overdue for an upgrade, too, so they became performing arts centers, or sometimes performance spacesin keeping with the spirit of certain nightclubs who now speak of themselves as party spaces. (The really hip just call them spaces?) While all this was happening in smaller locations, the big arenas decided they wanted to be known as events centers.
Center is another word that’s become important. Hospitals have long thought of themselves as medical centers, but now libraries have joined the cho-
rus, calling themselves learning resources centers. And just to wrap this section up and returning to show business for a momentno matter what size the place where entertainment was being presented, at some point it was decided they would all just be called venues.
Systems, facilities, spaces, centers and venues: They’re all words to keep an eye on in today’s atmosphere of increasing self-importance.
YOU WANT MORE CHANGES?
Profits became earnings, personnel became human resources, the complaint department became customer relations. People started offering feedback instead of criticism; car sickness turned into motion discomfort; messengers became couriers; junk mail morphed into direct marketing; special delivery was suddenly priority mail; and after all these years, I picked up the phone and discovered information was identifying itself as directory assistance. I don’t even want to mention my dismay at the fact that every old-fashioned, shady used-car dealer in a plaid jacket was suddenly selling certifiedpre-owned vehicles.
By this time, the dump had become the landfill. I guess it was inevitable; the garbagemen who fill it had long since become sanitation engineers, and in some cities, garbage collection was going by the fancy (and misleading) name environmental services.
The changes even got me where I lived. According to the Census Bureau, my apartment had become a dwelling unit, and when I asked my janitor to put & peephole in the door, I discovered later that actually the custodial engineerhad installed an observation port.
Change of pace: One day, a bucktoothed girl told me she had overbite. That was the day I traded in my glasses for prescription eyewear.
Of course, some of these language upgrades are more widespread than
others: admittedly, they’re not all universal. For instance, we still have motels, but some of them wanted to charge a little more, so they became motor lodges. We also still have house trailers, but if they’re for sale and profits are involved, they become motor homes, mobile homes, modular homes or manufactured housing.
So apparently, what we thought all this time was a trailer park is actually a manufactured-home community. I guess the lesson is we never quite know what we’re dealing with. Could it be that all these years on the Jerry Springer show we’ve actually been watching manufactured-home-community trash?
I HAVE A DRUG (STORE) PROBLEM
I guess you’ve noticed a trip to the drugstore has changed a lot too; the products have all been transformed. To start with, the medicine 1 used to take is now called medication. (I have a hunch medication costs more than medicine.) Mouthwashes are dental rinses, deodorants have been joined on the shelf by antiperspirants (probably because sweat has become nervous wetness), a plain old bar of soap these days is being described variously as a bath bar, a cleansing bar and a clarifying bar. Can you imagine a mother saying, “Young man, if I hear that word out of you one more time, I’m going to wash your mouth out with a clarifying bar’} Doesn’t sound right, does it?
The hair people have taken liberties, too: hair spraytoo ordinary. Try holding mist. Of course, if you don’t want holding mist, you can always turn to shaping mousse or sculpting gel. Anything to get you to
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