Read Online When I Was Five I Killed Myself by Howard Buten - Free Book Online Page A

her legs you look at her shoes. I saw you on the bus.”
    Then we both looked at the llamas. I think they are spelled wrong.
    â€œThere’s a pretty one,” Jessica said. “He’s all black with white socks like my horse.”
    â€œYou don’t have a horse.”
    â€œDo so.”
    â€œWhere?”
    â€œThat’s for me to know and you to find out.”
    I looked at the llama. He spit on the ground.
    â€œOnce I had a horse, Jessica, and I told him to step on Miss Filmer’s head and then blood shot out of her eyeballs and they took her to the furnace and burned her up and I rode away on my horse.”
    â€œI bet she smelled shitty,” said Jessica, and I got angry.
    â€œYou aren’t supposed to say shit,” I said. “It’s swearing.”
    But Jessica just walked away saying, “Shit, shit, shit.”
    Then we went to the bison. They were all sleeping. No holes.
    â€œI can swear if I want to, it’s a free country, Burton,” said Jessica.
    â€œMy name isn’t Burton,” I said. “It’s Randy.” (I don’t know why I said this.)
    Then we went to the alligators who are my favorite animals because once I almost got one in Miami Beach Florida when we were there, they sold them in little cardboard boxes. Babies. At the zoo they were on an island that had a pit around it and then some grass and then a chain. No cage. I looked at them. (I have an alligator at home, his name is Allie. He is dead. I got him at the airport, he has stuffing.) They were all smiling. So I climbed over the chain and walked over the grass up to the side of the pit, and I leaned over and said, “Hi, alligators.”
    There were five of them. They were all sleeping and one of them had his mouth froze open. I decided to pet them while they were sleeping. That’s when I heard the whole third grade screaming. I turned around and saw Miss Iris running back and forth back and forth. Shrubs said, “It’s ok, Miss Iris. I think he knows them.”
    But Miss Iris screamed, “Come back here right now, Burton, or I’ll brain you.”
    â€œHis name isn’t Burton, It’s Randy,” someone said. I turned around. Jessica was standing right beside me.
    â€œYou better get out of here,” I said. “They’ll kill you and eat you up, Jessica, they aren’t your friends.”
    â€œI’ll introduce myself,” she said. The wind blew her dress a little, you could see her knee socks. And one of the alligators swished his tail.
    â€œI’m Jessica Renton,” she said to the alligator.
    â€œThey don’t understand,” I said.
    â€œI think they’re French alligators,” she said. “Once I saw a cartoon where Popeye socked an alligator and he went up in the air and came down as suitcases.”
    â€œSo what?”
    â€œNothing,” she said. Then she started to walk up to the alligators. I grabbed her arm.
    â€œLet go.”
    The children screamed louder. Miss Iris was biting her hand and waving at a man from the zoo.
    â€œJessica,” I said.
    â€œMy name isn’t Jessica.”
    â€œWhat is it?”
    â€œContessa. My daddy calls me that. But you can’t.”
    She walked toward the alligators and one started to walk around.
    â€œJe m’appelle Jessica,” she said.
    Suddenly somebody grabbed us. It was the man from the zoo. But Jessica pulled her arm away real fast and started running and when he looked at her I got away too. We jumped over the chain and ran away. We ran past the leopards. (Once I saw Popeye put spot remover on one.) We ran past the bears who were sitting up like dogs. We ran past the seals. (They playhorns on tv and are boring.) We ran past the giraffes and ran until we got to the elephants. Jessica beat me, she is fast, man. She wasn’t even out of breath.
    And suddenly all the children from the third grade came running up to where we were, it