Read Online Web Site Story by Robert Rankin - Free Book Online Page A

is new, and posting early for Christmas.'
    'Oh,' and 'oh,' the doctor said again.
    'You'd better come with us,' said Derek.
    'I think I better had,' said Big Bob's better half.
     
    Derek gave the general ward a specific looking-over.
    He peered under beds, he peered into bedpans, he peered behind curtains and into cupboards. He peered and then he poked about and then he peered some more.
    'He'll ruin his eyes with all that peering,' said Minky. 'I had a brother once who used to peer. The wind changed twice and he was stuck with the kind of moustache that only comes off with turps.'
    'I'm sure I've heard that line somewhere before,' said Derek, looking up from his peering and poking.
    'There's nothing new upon God's Earth,' said Minky. 'Except for The Rapture, of course. That's new, but it has been expected.'
    'You believe in it then, do you?' Kelly asked.
    'Well you have to believe in something, don't you dear? My uncle used to believe that he was the reincarnation of Jesus. He was a Buddhist, you see. So he had the best of both worlds. He had the stigmata and when we were kiddies, he used to let us put our fingers through the holes in his hands. When he fell asleep we'd fill his holes with plasticine. You don't see plasticine around any more, do you dear? It's gone the way of crazy foam, Potty Putty and X-ray specs. Not to mention the see-back-oscope.'
    'The see-back-oscope?' Kelly asked.
    'I told you not to mention that!'
    'Sorry,' said Kelly, twisting her hair into terrible knots.
    'That's an awful nervous habit you have there,' Minky observed. 'You should see a specialist. But not that one doing all the peering. He'll soon be needing glasses.'
    'Excuse me for saying this,' said Kelly. 'But you do appear to be quite untroubled about the possibility that your husband has been carried off by The Rapture.'
    'It's the way he would have wanted to go.'
    'Is it?'
    'Well, he did mention once about wanting to be shot by a jealous husband when caught making passionate love to a twenty-year-old lap dancer, during the celebration of his ninety-third birthday. But men will say anything when you have one of their vital parts held tightly in your hand, won't they dear?'.
    Tm sure your husband has been yearning for The Rapture,' said Kelly. 'I know I would.'
    'You're too kind. So young man, with all your peering and poking, have you come to any conclusions?'
    'I think I might need glasses,' said Derek. 'But there is some stuff on these sheets here.'
    'Don't look at me,' said Dr Druid.
    'Some residue,' said Derek.
    'I said, don't look at me.'
    'I'd like to take some samples. To get them analysed.'
    Tm a doctor,' said Dr Druid. 'I could analyse them.'
    'An independent analyst.'
    'Spoily sport,' said the doctor.
    'Just one thing,' said Minky. 'Just one. Where do I stand regarding my husband's life insurance policy? Will I be able to claim the money without a body? I mean, well, with him being taken bodily into Heaven. That's an Act of God, isn't it? And Acts of God aren't covered.'
    'Good point,' said Dr Druid. 'There'd have to be a test case. I'll bet the insurance company won't pay up. They'd have to pay up on millions of policies, if they did.'
    'That's most unfair of God,' said Minky. 'Rapturing away my husband and leaving me penniless. I've a good mind to change my religion. And come to think of it, how come God chose to Rapture up my Big Bob? I'm much nicer than he is. I'm the one who should have been Raptured.'
    Kelly turned to Derek. 'I think we should go,' she said. 'There's nothing to be found here.'
    Derek produced a pocket camera. Til just take one or two photographs,' he said.
    'That seems sensible.'
    'Yes it does,' said Minky. 'Do you want me to take my top off?'
    Kelly looked at Derek.
    Derek shook his head. Rather sadly, it seemed to Kelly.
    'Oh go on,' said Dr Druid. 'You know that you want to.'
     
    'And to think,' said Kelly. 'I almost liked you.'
    'What?' said Derek. 'What?'
    They sat in the bar of the Flying Swan,