said.
Justin handed me the pocketknife. “We should really come back and do this at night,” I said. “You know, when there’s not five hundred people in the giant brick building with windows across the field.”
“A premeditated act will carry more punishment,” Kevin said, his hand on the nearest trunk, scanning the fields. And suddenly I was back in my house, sneaking out the back door, barefoot, so it wouldn’t seem premeditated, while my dad was dying a few rooms away.
“Godspeed,” Justin said as he pushed me forward, into the clearing.
Janna was smiling—the first time I’d seen a real smile on her since she came back. She had Carson’s smile, only therewas a gap between her front teeth. But if you didn’t look closely, you could see him there.
“Screw you all,” I said, and I took off running across the baseball field.
The field house was painted gold and blue, but the gold had faded in the sun to kind of a sad yellow. And the blue had gotten grayish. Weathered. I was hoping if anyone from the science wing looked out the window, they’d think I was maintenance or something, just doing work on the long wall. I hoped they wouldn’t look for too long, or too closely. I hoped they didn’t see the sun catch off the blade in my hand as I carved the giant letters into the paint.
It took much longer than I’d thought, and the adrenaline wore off when I was on the third letter. I jerked my hand down, cutting boxy lines into the wood, thinking of Janna and Justin and Kevin watching me. Thinking there was no way Delaney would be out here watching me. No way she’d skip class or sneak around campus or vandalize school property. Even for this.
I didn’t stop to admire my work when I finished, just took off across the fields again, toward the woods.
Kevin patted my back. Janna had that same smile—part mischief, part happiness. I passed the knife to her and said, “You’re welcome,” as my palm connected with hers.
Her smile disappeared. “It’s not for me , Decker.”
I rolled my eyes before I could stop myself. Of course it was. Carson was gone. And it sure as hell wasn’t for me .
It wasn’t until fourth period, in science class, that I riskeda look out the window. Smiled to myself as I saw the words: CARSON WAS HERE.
Janna wanted to do something for Carson. Like a memorial or something. A reminder. This was Kevin’s idea. He thought it would adequately freak people out. Janna agreed. She said if people were going to talk about him, might as well make it big. And it was so perfectly literal as well—Carson had been in that field house. Many times. With many different girls.
It was perfect.
I walked into my house after school. It was instinct, and I was already inside before I realized I wasn’t supposed to be here. Cleanup definitely hadn’t started, despite what my mom had said. Nobody had changed anything.
The wood floor throughout was dark, soaked. Stained by water. And the walls were streaked, so the paint was bubbling in sections. It felt humid inside. Stifling.
I tested the first step. It creaked but seemed solid. My mom said the drywall was damaged, that the flooring had to be assessed, but everything seemed fine. It’s just water, anyway.
Just water.
I tiptoed up the rest of the steps. The hall seemed fine. My room seemed fine, everything exactly as I’d left it. Everything was just damp and streaked with water. I took a bag out of the top of my closet and started emptying drawers into it.
I scanned the surfaces of my desk, my dresser. After losing people, I didn’t care so much about things. But I couldn’tstop myself from pulling out the top drawer, seeing Delaney’s notebook wedged under a bunch of school crap I never used. She kept it here because she thought it was safer in the mess of my room. She’d kept it since January, trying to find the patterns. Each page had a name. Or an address. Or a location—maybe a description. What she felt and when she felt
Justin handed me the pocketknife. “We should really come back and do this at night,” I said. “You know, when there’s not five hundred people in the giant brick building with windows across the field.”
“A premeditated act will carry more punishment,” Kevin said, his hand on the nearest trunk, scanning the fields. And suddenly I was back in my house, sneaking out the back door, barefoot, so it wouldn’t seem premeditated, while my dad was dying a few rooms away.
“Godspeed,” Justin said as he pushed me forward, into the clearing.
Janna was smiling—the first time I’d seen a real smile on her since she came back. She had Carson’s smile, only therewas a gap between her front teeth. But if you didn’t look closely, you could see him there.
“Screw you all,” I said, and I took off running across the baseball field.
The field house was painted gold and blue, but the gold had faded in the sun to kind of a sad yellow. And the blue had gotten grayish. Weathered. I was hoping if anyone from the science wing looked out the window, they’d think I was maintenance or something, just doing work on the long wall. I hoped they wouldn’t look for too long, or too closely. I hoped they didn’t see the sun catch off the blade in my hand as I carved the giant letters into the paint.
It took much longer than I’d thought, and the adrenaline wore off when I was on the third letter. I jerked my hand down, cutting boxy lines into the wood, thinking of Janna and Justin and Kevin watching me. Thinking there was no way Delaney would be out here watching me. No way she’d skip class or sneak around campus or vandalize school property. Even for this.
I didn’t stop to admire my work when I finished, just took off across the fields again, toward the woods.
Kevin patted my back. Janna had that same smile—part mischief, part happiness. I passed the knife to her and said, “You’re welcome,” as my palm connected with hers.
Her smile disappeared. “It’s not for me , Decker.”
I rolled my eyes before I could stop myself. Of course it was. Carson was gone. And it sure as hell wasn’t for me .
It wasn’t until fourth period, in science class, that I riskeda look out the window. Smiled to myself as I saw the words: CARSON WAS HERE.
Janna wanted to do something for Carson. Like a memorial or something. A reminder. This was Kevin’s idea. He thought it would adequately freak people out. Janna agreed. She said if people were going to talk about him, might as well make it big. And it was so perfectly literal as well—Carson had been in that field house. Many times. With many different girls.
It was perfect.
I walked into my house after school. It was instinct, and I was already inside before I realized I wasn’t supposed to be here. Cleanup definitely hadn’t started, despite what my mom had said. Nobody had changed anything.
The wood floor throughout was dark, soaked. Stained by water. And the walls were streaked, so the paint was bubbling in sections. It felt humid inside. Stifling.
I tested the first step. It creaked but seemed solid. My mom said the drywall was damaged, that the flooring had to be assessed, but everything seemed fine. It’s just water, anyway.
Just water.
I tiptoed up the rest of the steps. The hall seemed fine. My room seemed fine, everything exactly as I’d left it. Everything was just damp and streaked with water. I took a bag out of the top of my closet and started emptying drawers into it.
I scanned the surfaces of my desk, my dresser. After losing people, I didn’t care so much about things. But I couldn’tstop myself from pulling out the top drawer, seeing Delaney’s notebook wedged under a bunch of school crap I never used. She kept it here because she thought it was safer in the mess of my room. She’d kept it since January, trying to find the patterns. Each page had a name. Or an address. Or a location—maybe a description. What she felt and when she felt
Similar Books
