Read Online Twenty Something by Iain Hollingshead - Free Book Online Page A

Buddy, and hearing his views on the excellent work–life balance that your company offers, but frankly his chat stank. Also, the impact of his message was somewhat diluted by his colleagues’ glazed eyes and the continual muttering of ‘Need sleep, need sleep’ before an HR woman (remarkably fit, I give you) rushed over to wind up the cogs in their backs.
    You see, my experience with you has been remarkably like a bad relationship. I’d heard good things about you; I’d admired you from afar. Your exes sang your praises. We met and plied each other with alcohol in the hope that we would get along. We were on our most charming, courting behaviour. I only knew about your good points. True, I was two-timing you (eight-timing, to be exact), but you were the one I really wanted, the one I was holding out for. And now, just as we were on the verge of real commitment, I find myself brutally dumped. No consoling words, no regrets of what might have been, just a telephone call midway through my evening in the pub. Well, the feeling’s mutual. I was going to dump you, too. You just got in there first.
    But I’d like to emphasise again how much I enjoyed meeting you. I hope you will not be put off bombarding me again with inane brochures and yo yos embossed with your delightful logo. I wish you all the best for your banal, soulless future.
    Best wishes,
Nigel O. T. Bitter, Esq.
    PS I was wondering what your policy would be on my reapplying next year?
    Mr Bitter is definitely one to watch, in my opinion. I gave the letter to Leila and it’s now pinned up on her desk.
Wednesday 9th March
    Flatmate Fred is sinking into a deeper and deeper depression. He’s bored by his data entry and doesn’t want to write his books any more. He doesn’t fancy any of the girls who like him, and he hasn’t met anyone he likes for ages.
    I suggest that he gets dressed like everyone else in themorning and goes out and interacts with people while the sun is still up. He could copy Rick’s example of using offices like a dating agency. Rick stays in a job just long enough to fall for a hopelessly unsuitable colleague before moving on and beginning the cycle all over again. He’s a collegiate whore, a workplace slapper.
    Talking of Rick, we have decided to repeat our boys’ night out on Friday. I’m a little apprehensive. Buddy will soon have every reason to hate me, Rick is acting oddly around me and Flatmate Fred and Jasper are flirting more outrageously than ever before. It could be interesting.
Friday 11th March
    It
was
interesting. It was also one of the worst nights of my life.
    It started off so well — economy pizza and beers on the balcony while we discussed Important Things such as politics and whether girls had ever put their fingers up our bums during sex.
    Then some fool (I think it was me) suggested playing a game of ‘I have never’ to get us drunk quickly. It’s a stupid game, but it can work well when you’re in a mixed group of people who know each other well and others who don’t.
    Buddy thought he’d kick off in a suitably light-hearted way: ‘I have never slept with Lucy.’ Good lad — he’d picked up on the rules quickly.
    Everyone looked at me, and I guffawed and took a hearty swig out of my can.
Yep, that’s right, I’ve slept with her more than a hundred times
. Legend, me.
    And then Rick took a little surreptitious sip of his beer.
    â€˜Richard Fielding,’ intoned Jasper, ‘I do hope that was an “I’m thirsty” sip of your beer, and not an “Oh, yes, I too have carnal knowledge of Lucy Poett”-type sip.’
    It was the latter. I am not a violent man, but the next thing Iknew I had pushed Rick to the floor and was kicking twenty hues of crap out of him. It was the first time in my life that I had hit anyone. I think it probably hurt me more than it hurt Rick.
    Buddy, who is even bigger