Read Online Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Ozzy Osbourne
Tags: Humor, General, Biography & Autobiography, Entertainment & Performing Arts, Health & Fitness, BIO005000
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friends. Worse, my friend never does anything about it. What can I do?
Catherine, Washington, UK
As a parent, you’ve just gotta accept that some kids play rougher than others. That’s all very well to say, mind you, until some brat whacks your little pumpkin over the back of the head with a wooden hammer. That happened to one of my own kids at a playground in Staffordshire once, and before I even had time to think, I just turned around and chinned the other kid’s dad. Looking back, I should have said something when the bullying first started—but I let it continue, getting worse and worse, until I finally blew my top. So I recommend you talk to your friend now—before she ain’t your friend any more.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it true that a cat might try to suffocate a newborn baby? My husband and I have just had our first child, and need to know if we should get rid of our eight-year-old moggy.
Victoria, Isle of Wight
I used to worry about the same thing. Basically, cats like sleeping in warm places—which is why they jump into cots—and people say they can smell the milk on a baby’s breath. But you don’t need to frog-march poor old Mr. Moggins outside at dawn and shoot him. Just keep the door to your baby’s room closed (as long as you’ve got a monitor) when the little one’s alseep. Problem solved.
DR. OZZY’S INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS—
Operating Instructions for Children
Remember, babies aren’t that much different from rock stars. They go crazy if they don’t get enough to drink. They feel a lot better after they’ve thrown up on your new carpet. And they crap their pants more than once a day. Basically, the same as me during the most of the eighties.
Most strollers nowadays come with a beer holder and an ashtray. In an emergency, they can be also used to carry milk bottles and wet wipes.
Don’t even think about asking your own parents for advice about raising infants. At the age of 62, I’m lucky if I can remember why I just walked into a room, never mind how I changed a fucking nappy in 1972. Mind you, I don’t think I ever did change a nappy, so even if I could somehow go back in time, I still wouldn’t have a clue. Work out it for yourself.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I taught my three-year-old son a swear word for a laugh and now I can’t get him to stop saying it. I’m mortified. What should I do?
Catherine, Aberdeen
Never, ever , swear in front of little kids: their brains are hard-wired to pick up it—trust me. You can’t get ’em to learn the alphabet to save your life, but they’ll memorise every filthy word in the Oxford English dictionary in a heartbeat. I mean, yeah, it might crack you up to hear a toddler effing and blinding, but ain’t so funny when you take your little blue-eyed angel to the in-laws’, and he goes, “Hello grandma, you c *** .”
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife has signed up our son for football practice, piano lessons, and yoga. He’s two. Is this insane?
Alex, Oxford
It sounds like he’s ready to become Prime Minister. I mean, how old is David Cameron—four-and-a-half? Seriously though, my advice would be to leave the kid alone. Buy him a cowboy suit. Get him a fucking Lego set. It’s your missus who should sign up for something—like therapy. A lot of parents these days just seem to be passing on all their insecurities onto their kids. I mean, piano lessons at two? Give me a break, man. What’s next? Pilot training and deep sea diving classes? We pile all this pressure on to these little people then wonder why they’re burned out at nine. My advice: slow down .
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My four-year-old daughter is addicted to Angry Birds on my iPad. Will this cause her any harm?
Scott, Los Angeles
I don’t understand a single word of this question. Why do you have birds on your iPad, and why are they pissed off? The only thing I can think of is that this is some kind of video game. If so, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your daughter playing
Catherine, Washington, UK
As a parent, you’ve just gotta accept that some kids play rougher than others. That’s all very well to say, mind you, until some brat whacks your little pumpkin over the back of the head with a wooden hammer. That happened to one of my own kids at a playground in Staffordshire once, and before I even had time to think, I just turned around and chinned the other kid’s dad. Looking back, I should have said something when the bullying first started—but I let it continue, getting worse and worse, until I finally blew my top. So I recommend you talk to your friend now—before she ain’t your friend any more.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it true that a cat might try to suffocate a newborn baby? My husband and I have just had our first child, and need to know if we should get rid of our eight-year-old moggy.
Victoria, Isle of Wight
I used to worry about the same thing. Basically, cats like sleeping in warm places—which is why they jump into cots—and people say they can smell the milk on a baby’s breath. But you don’t need to frog-march poor old Mr. Moggins outside at dawn and shoot him. Just keep the door to your baby’s room closed (as long as you’ve got a monitor) when the little one’s alseep. Problem solved.
DR. OZZY’S INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS—
Operating Instructions for Children
Remember, babies aren’t that much different from rock stars. They go crazy if they don’t get enough to drink. They feel a lot better after they’ve thrown up on your new carpet. And they crap their pants more than once a day. Basically, the same as me during the most of the eighties.
Most strollers nowadays come with a beer holder and an ashtray. In an emergency, they can be also used to carry milk bottles and wet wipes.
Don’t even think about asking your own parents for advice about raising infants. At the age of 62, I’m lucky if I can remember why I just walked into a room, never mind how I changed a fucking nappy in 1972. Mind you, I don’t think I ever did change a nappy, so even if I could somehow go back in time, I still wouldn’t have a clue. Work out it for yourself.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I taught my three-year-old son a swear word for a laugh and now I can’t get him to stop saying it. I’m mortified. What should I do?
Catherine, Aberdeen
Never, ever , swear in front of little kids: their brains are hard-wired to pick up it—trust me. You can’t get ’em to learn the alphabet to save your life, but they’ll memorise every filthy word in the Oxford English dictionary in a heartbeat. I mean, yeah, it might crack you up to hear a toddler effing and blinding, but ain’t so funny when you take your little blue-eyed angel to the in-laws’, and he goes, “Hello grandma, you c *** .”
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My wife has signed up our son for football practice, piano lessons, and yoga. He’s two. Is this insane?
Alex, Oxford
It sounds like he’s ready to become Prime Minister. I mean, how old is David Cameron—four-and-a-half? Seriously though, my advice would be to leave the kid alone. Buy him a cowboy suit. Get him a fucking Lego set. It’s your missus who should sign up for something—like therapy. A lot of parents these days just seem to be passing on all their insecurities onto their kids. I mean, piano lessons at two? Give me a break, man. What’s next? Pilot training and deep sea diving classes? We pile all this pressure on to these little people then wonder why they’re burned out at nine. My advice: slow down .
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My four-year-old daughter is addicted to Angry Birds on my iPad. Will this cause her any harm?
Scott, Los Angeles
I don’t understand a single word of this question. Why do you have birds on your iPad, and why are they pissed off? The only thing I can think of is that this is some kind of video game. If so, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your daughter playing
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