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Authors: Emily Martin
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other girl, Jenny. They were on the swim team with me.”
Mackenzie finishes rinsing my shirt and turns on the hand dryer. I try to explain.
“I got into some trouble a couple months back. I was with him when I got caught. I didn’t even like him, but he told me they’d broken up.” I wince and wring the tissue between my hands. “And they hadn’t. Not yet, anyway.”
We’re quiet, listening to the buzz and whirring of the dryer.
“I really hate myself for doing that to her. I never meant to hurt anyone.”
The dryer shuts off and Mackenzie brings me my top. It’s still damp but less sticky than before. “We all have things we wish we could change,” she says.
I look up at her and the realization is a semi truck through my chest. Mackenzie is a girl who deserves Declan.
“And Mackenzie and I have your back,” Gwen adds.
“Thank you.” I pull my shirt on and no one says anything for a few beats. My skin feels both clammy and flushed. “Do you think . . . Could you guys just not tell Declan about this?”
They exchange a glance before Gwen jumps in.
“Of course not. None of his business.”
After getting myself under control, I don’t have much of an appetite left. The girls walk me back to my car.
“So . . . we’ll see you tonight?” Mackenzie asks.
“Oh.” I look over my shoulder at a bed of daffodils, all of them wilting under the midafternoon sun. “Yeah, maybe. I’m not sure if I’m up for that scene.”
She bites her lip and nods. “I understand. But I do hope you’ll come. Feel better, okay?”
“Thanks,” I say. She gives me another fast hug, and I smile at Gwen before opening my door.
I drive home in silence. When I turn onto my street, I pull over and crank the radio up loud. I reach for the spare towel I keep in the backseat, roll it into a ball, and cover my mouth.
Scream until my voice goes hoarse.
Eight
THE HOUSE HAS A DELICATE balance these days. Bloodshot eyes and a tea-stained shirt will throw everything off-kilter. I sneak up to the bathroom as quietly as humanly possible.
Hot water helps. Scalding my skin even though it’s humid as shit outside. But I need to feel clean, and ever since what I did in October, this is the only way.
Besides, I like sitting in the shower. It’s become the only place I ever feel really, truly alone. The only place I can break down and immediately wash away all the evidence.
At least until the hot water runs out.
After I get dressed, I call Sadie.
“What do you mean you’re not coming?”
I’m in the kitchen, which is the farthest from my parents I could get. “This afternoon I sort of had a run-in with Lindsay and Jenny. It wasn’t pretty. And look, Declan’s going to be there and things are already kind of weird between us. . . .”
“Come on, who gives a shit about Lindsay Sullivan? That girl is the worst. And things are probably weird with Declan because you act weird around Declan. Anyway, I’m already on my way to your house.”
I rub my temple. “I still have to ask my parents.”
“So go ask. I’ll see you in ten.”
I can’t say I really expected that conversation to go any differently. Sadie always gets her way. Anyway, she’s right. I shouldn’t let people like Lindsay get to me.
My parents are lounging in their bedroom, Dad reading while Mom dozes. More than a week after her first chemo treatment, the side effects finally seem to have taken hold. She stretches herself awake when I come through the door.
“Hi, honey.”
“Hey.” My arms cross. “So, I wanted to ask you guys . . . There’s this party tonight . . .”
Dad puts his book down. “Oh?”
Mom tries to sit up. “Who are you going with?”
“Well, I’m driving over with Sadie. But everyone will be there. Cory and Declan. Those girls—my friends, from Photography.”
Mom groans. She shifts over the side of the bed and blows out a deep breath. Dad walks around and crouches beside her.
“Need to get
Mackenzie finishes rinsing my shirt and turns on the hand dryer. I try to explain.
“I got into some trouble a couple months back. I was with him when I got caught. I didn’t even like him, but he told me they’d broken up.” I wince and wring the tissue between my hands. “And they hadn’t. Not yet, anyway.”
We’re quiet, listening to the buzz and whirring of the dryer.
“I really hate myself for doing that to her. I never meant to hurt anyone.”
The dryer shuts off and Mackenzie brings me my top. It’s still damp but less sticky than before. “We all have things we wish we could change,” she says.
I look up at her and the realization is a semi truck through my chest. Mackenzie is a girl who deserves Declan.
“And Mackenzie and I have your back,” Gwen adds.
“Thank you.” I pull my shirt on and no one says anything for a few beats. My skin feels both clammy and flushed. “Do you think . . . Could you guys just not tell Declan about this?”
They exchange a glance before Gwen jumps in.
“Of course not. None of his business.”
After getting myself under control, I don’t have much of an appetite left. The girls walk me back to my car.
“So . . . we’ll see you tonight?” Mackenzie asks.
“Oh.” I look over my shoulder at a bed of daffodils, all of them wilting under the midafternoon sun. “Yeah, maybe. I’m not sure if I’m up for that scene.”
She bites her lip and nods. “I understand. But I do hope you’ll come. Feel better, okay?”
“Thanks,” I say. She gives me another fast hug, and I smile at Gwen before opening my door.
I drive home in silence. When I turn onto my street, I pull over and crank the radio up loud. I reach for the spare towel I keep in the backseat, roll it into a ball, and cover my mouth.
Scream until my voice goes hoarse.
Eight
THE HOUSE HAS A DELICATE balance these days. Bloodshot eyes and a tea-stained shirt will throw everything off-kilter. I sneak up to the bathroom as quietly as humanly possible.
Hot water helps. Scalding my skin even though it’s humid as shit outside. But I need to feel clean, and ever since what I did in October, this is the only way.
Besides, I like sitting in the shower. It’s become the only place I ever feel really, truly alone. The only place I can break down and immediately wash away all the evidence.
At least until the hot water runs out.
After I get dressed, I call Sadie.
“What do you mean you’re not coming?”
I’m in the kitchen, which is the farthest from my parents I could get. “This afternoon I sort of had a run-in with Lindsay and Jenny. It wasn’t pretty. And look, Declan’s going to be there and things are already kind of weird between us. . . .”
“Come on, who gives a shit about Lindsay Sullivan? That girl is the worst. And things are probably weird with Declan because you act weird around Declan. Anyway, I’m already on my way to your house.”
I rub my temple. “I still have to ask my parents.”
“So go ask. I’ll see you in ten.”
I can’t say I really expected that conversation to go any differently. Sadie always gets her way. Anyway, she’s right. I shouldn’t let people like Lindsay get to me.
My parents are lounging in their bedroom, Dad reading while Mom dozes. More than a week after her first chemo treatment, the side effects finally seem to have taken hold. She stretches herself awake when I come through the door.
“Hi, honey.”
“Hey.” My arms cross. “So, I wanted to ask you guys . . . There’s this party tonight . . .”
Dad puts his book down. “Oh?”
Mom tries to sit up. “Who are you going with?”
“Well, I’m driving over with Sadie. But everyone will be there. Cory and Declan. Those girls—my friends, from Photography.”
Mom groans. She shifts over the side of the bed and blows out a deep breath. Dad walks around and crouches beside her.
“Need to get
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