Read Online The Wilt Inheritance by Tom Sharpe - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Tom Sharpe
Ads: Link
Wilt.
‘I hope you had a nice time last night,’ she said sarcastically as she put the cup on the table just out of his reach. ‘Out drinking again, I suppose.’
In fact, Wilt had been driven to seek refuge in the pub after spending an unpleasant afternoon being badgered by his wife about behaving properly at Sandystones Hall: not getting drunk or using bad language or having sex with Lady Clarissa. Or letting Lady Clarissa have sex with him. In desperation he’d gone down to the Braintrees’ and dragged Peter out to the Duck and Dragon where they had sat outside and drunk beer, watching the boats pass by on the river.
‘What’s this Lady Clarissa like?’ Peter had asked him.
‘Drinks huge dry martinis as if they’re water. She has to be an alcoholic … or at least that’s the impression I got at lunch. I’d be very surprised if she hasn’t a lover on the side, too, the eyes she made at me. One thing that is certain is I’m going to stay well clear of that sort of thing. Not that I’m planning to put Eva out of her misery. any time soon. The truthof the matter is she’s only really concerned about the fifteen hundred quid a week I’m going to be paid for tutoring the dimwit son.’
Wilt had only stayed out for as long as it took to ensure Eva had gone up to bed ahead of him, and was actually pretty much sober when he made his way home.
Eva finished her tea and went back upstairs, leaving him concentrating on his book. To Wilt’s surprise and disgust she came back down moments later, this time wearing a sheer dressing gown through which he could see her vivid scarlet panties. That meant only one thing and Eva put it into words.
‘I’ve been thinking about it, Henry, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s about time we had some gender,’ she said, using the word Wilt had come to detest.
‘If by that you mean sex …’ he began.
‘I do,’ interrupted Eva. ‘We haven’t had any for ages, and at Sandystones Hall I don’t suppose we’ll get the chance. Besides the girls will be there too and …’
Wilt interrupted her.
‘… you make such a din they’re bound to know what we’re up to. Not that it matters. They know more about sex than I do. Haven’t you heard Emmeline going on about it? Anyway I had a sleepless night and I’m whacked out. I couldn’t get it up even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.’
‘Hmm, yes, and I wonder what you’ve been up to that you’re so “whacked out”, and whether it’s got something to do with the fact that you’ve taken to sleeping in a separate bedroom from me? Mavis Mottram thinks that if you’re a man of normal appetites, you must be satisfying yourself if you aren’t satisfying me. Not that “normal” is a word I would usually apply to any of your activities. In any case, you’ll be glad to know she has given me some Viagra just so you can get an erection. I know it went wrong for us before but she says the dose was …’
‘Take bloody Viagra? And possibly go blind into the bargain,’ said Wilt, almost wishing he was. Those blasted panties were a practically inflammable red.
‘What on earth are you talking about … going blind?’
‘Oh, didn’t you know? It’s been in the papers. A number of men in the States have gone blind after taking Viagra.’
‘I don’t believe it. They’d probably just been masturbating, like you do.’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake! If you believe that …’
‘Of course I do. Definitely.’
Wilt raised his eyes to the ceiling in despair.
‘So why haven’t I gone blind? Either I masturbate and don’t go blind or I’m not blind because I don’t masturbate. Which is it?’
‘Some men don’t, I suppose,’ said Eva, now thoroughly confused as to what it was she was accusing Wilt of doing.
‘But on the whole they do? So most of the blind men you meet in the street – you know, the ones with sticks and guide dogs – are wankers?’
‘Of course they’re not! And how many times do
‘I hope you had a nice time last night,’ she said sarcastically as she put the cup on the table just out of his reach. ‘Out drinking again, I suppose.’
In fact, Wilt had been driven to seek refuge in the pub after spending an unpleasant afternoon being badgered by his wife about behaving properly at Sandystones Hall: not getting drunk or using bad language or having sex with Lady Clarissa. Or letting Lady Clarissa have sex with him. In desperation he’d gone down to the Braintrees’ and dragged Peter out to the Duck and Dragon where they had sat outside and drunk beer, watching the boats pass by on the river.
‘What’s this Lady Clarissa like?’ Peter had asked him.
‘Drinks huge dry martinis as if they’re water. She has to be an alcoholic … or at least that’s the impression I got at lunch. I’d be very surprised if she hasn’t a lover on the side, too, the eyes she made at me. One thing that is certain is I’m going to stay well clear of that sort of thing. Not that I’m planning to put Eva out of her misery. any time soon. The truthof the matter is she’s only really concerned about the fifteen hundred quid a week I’m going to be paid for tutoring the dimwit son.’
Wilt had only stayed out for as long as it took to ensure Eva had gone up to bed ahead of him, and was actually pretty much sober when he made his way home.
Eva finished her tea and went back upstairs, leaving him concentrating on his book. To Wilt’s surprise and disgust she came back down moments later, this time wearing a sheer dressing gown through which he could see her vivid scarlet panties. That meant only one thing and Eva put it into words.
‘I’ve been thinking about it, Henry, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s about time we had some gender,’ she said, using the word Wilt had come to detest.
‘If by that you mean sex …’ he began.
‘I do,’ interrupted Eva. ‘We haven’t had any for ages, and at Sandystones Hall I don’t suppose we’ll get the chance. Besides the girls will be there too and …’
Wilt interrupted her.
‘… you make such a din they’re bound to know what we’re up to. Not that it matters. They know more about sex than I do. Haven’t you heard Emmeline going on about it? Anyway I had a sleepless night and I’m whacked out. I couldn’t get it up even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.’
‘Hmm, yes, and I wonder what you’ve been up to that you’re so “whacked out”, and whether it’s got something to do with the fact that you’ve taken to sleeping in a separate bedroom from me? Mavis Mottram thinks that if you’re a man of normal appetites, you must be satisfying yourself if you aren’t satisfying me. Not that “normal” is a word I would usually apply to any of your activities. In any case, you’ll be glad to know she has given me some Viagra just so you can get an erection. I know it went wrong for us before but she says the dose was …’
‘Take bloody Viagra? And possibly go blind into the bargain,’ said Wilt, almost wishing he was. Those blasted panties were a practically inflammable red.
‘What on earth are you talking about … going blind?’
‘Oh, didn’t you know? It’s been in the papers. A number of men in the States have gone blind after taking Viagra.’
‘I don’t believe it. They’d probably just been masturbating, like you do.’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake! If you believe that …’
‘Of course I do. Definitely.’
Wilt raised his eyes to the ceiling in despair.
‘So why haven’t I gone blind? Either I masturbate and don’t go blind or I’m not blind because I don’t masturbate. Which is it?’
‘Some men don’t, I suppose,’ said Eva, now thoroughly confused as to what it was she was accusing Wilt of doing.
‘But on the whole they do? So most of the blind men you meet in the street – you know, the ones with sticks and guide dogs – are wankers?’
‘Of course they’re not! And how many times do
Similar Books
