The Watercress File: Being the Further Adventures of That Man from C. A. M. P.

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Book: The Watercress File: Being the Further Adventures of That Man from C. A. M. P. by V. J. Banis Read Free Book Online
Authors: V. J. Banis
Tags: Humor, Gay, camp, parody, man from U.N.C.L.E.
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dear,” she gasped as she realized the alarm would be sounding downstairs, summoning Jackie to the rescue.
    Miss Temple had returned with a glass of water. Abandoning decorum, Aunt Lily tossed it into Nasturtia’s face. Nasturtia revived quickly, sputtering and gasping like a fish out of water.
    â€œCome on,” Lily ordered, virtually dragging the other woman to her feet. “We’re finished here.”
    With Miss Temple staring after them in bewilderment, they fled from the apartment, down the hall and into the arms of Jackie, who was indeed on his way to rescue them.
    All in all, Jackie concluded as he heard Aunt Lily’s sobbing explanation, it had not been a very successful attempt at espionage.
    * * * *
    â€œWell, it wasn’t a total loss,” Craig sympathized when the group had returned to the house. “We at least learned that someone higher up than Miss Temple is called Bigelow.”
    â€œBut there must be hundreds of Bigelows in the city,” Jackie pointed out. “How do we find out which one it is that we want?”
    â€œThere’s only eleven,” Craig said with a grin. “And we find out the hard way—by checking out each one of them.”
    â€œOh, then we’ll still be needed,” Lily said with obvious relief.
    Jackie frowned in Craig’s direction. He was genuinely sorry he had allowed the others to become involved at all; but Aunt Lily was correct—it would save a lot of time if they all checked out the Bigelows in the city.
    * * * *
    Honey and Gladiola went together. Honey did not feel quite safe by himself, and it was the consensus of opinion that Gladiola was not bright enough to attempt anything by herself.
    The rotting old boarding house before which they found themselves certainly lent itself to an undercover operation. Somewhat isolated from the other houses in the none-too-respectable neighborhood, and exuding an aura of disrepute, it looked the sort of place that would spawn evil of any sort.
    â€œHow do you suppose we should go about this?” Honey asked as they lingered outside. Their instructions had been merely to meet the Bigelow at this address, if possible, and size him up as a possible agent.
    Gladiola screwed up her face thoughtfully; it was evident that mental concentration was no small effort for her. “I don’t see why we couldn’t just explain to them who we are, and ask them open-like if they are the ones we are looking for.”
    Honey sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, no, that would never do, even I know that. I suppose we’ll just have to play it by ear, so to speak.”
    The house itself offered them one possibility; it bore a sign advertising rooms for rent. If all else failed, Honey decided they could use that as an excuse to get inside.
    The ringing of the antiquated doorbell was answered after a long pause by a rather sleazy and plump blonde in a red kimono that was only slightly more faded than she was. A cigarette dangled from her smeared mouth, and she squinted through the smoke to study them suspiciously.
    â€œYeah?” she asked finally in a nasal voice.
    â€œMr. Bigelow?” Honey asked timidly. He had little experience in such matters, but this looked to him like what Aunt Lily described as a “painted woman.”
    â€œWhatdoyawant?” the blonde growled in one breath, the cigarette bobbing as her lips moved.
    Honey hesitated. Surely this wasn’t Mr. Bigelow? But then, no one had really said that it had to be a mister. And if this was Miss Bigelow, then this was the person he wanted to talk to.
    â€œI’m here to talk business,” he said in a lower voice that he hoped was appropriately conspiratorial. “I think you know what I mean.”
    The blonde eyed him slowly, looking him up and down, and then took a minute longer to study Gladiola, who bristled slightly in indignation.
    â€œYeah, I guess I do,” she admitted finally. “But

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