Read Online The Voice inside My Head by S.J. Laidlaw - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: S.J. Laidlaw
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until I look at her, which I take my time doing. “Your parents already lost one child. Why’d they let you come here, alone?”
I look away fast.
The ray has circled back and wings under us again. It’s strange that it keeps returning to the dock.
“Their pups are born with everything they’ll ever need to survive,” I say. “They have a barb on the end of their tail to protect them, they know how to find food and their mouth plates are fully formed. They don’t need their parents for anything.”
“All you tourist kids think about is fish.”
“But no one knows why they jump. Sometimes the females jump when they’re giving birth and the pups drop out of them in midair. Some people think they jump to evade predators.”
“They probably jump because they’re bored,” says Reesie.
“I didn’t think they’d let me come,” I confess. “I didn’t ask them until after I’d bought the ticket, but even so, right up until I walked in the room and told Mom to put down her drink, I thought one of them would stop me.”
“They didn’t try?” She’s doing a poor job of keeping her voice neutral.
“My dad asked if I had enough cash. Mom didn’t say anything. I think she was happy to see me go. It’s not like I was doing anything important back home, and they’re as anxious for me to find Pat as I am.” I pause to focus on breathing as tightness spreads across my chest. I know I shouldn’t feel hurtthat my parents let me go off alone to the same place Pat disappeared. They’d already been down here ahead of me, so they probably felt comfortable it wasn’t dangerous; but if they believed that, what do they think happened to Pat?
“Anyway, Mom’s got her own problems,” I say, as much to myself as to Reesie. “She can’t be worrying about me all the time.” I’m hoping Reesie will leave it at that and not push me to explain that Mom never seemed to worry about me, not when I cut school or got suspended for smoking dope — not even when I got busted for selling fake IDs and she and Dad had to come down to the police station to bail me out. She told me not to do it again, but she never got angry and she never once punished me. That was weird, because Pat could make the smallest mistake — oversleep and miss swim practice or get a B on a test — and Mom would be all over her. Maybe she figured with me there was no point. I’ve never been particularly good in school. I don’t have my sister’s brains or ambition.
I feel every contour of the wood as my hands grip the dock. Reesie covers my hand with hers, and we sit like that for a while. I can feel her waiting, and a part of me would like to spill my whole life story. I imagine it would be a relief to talk it out with someone, and as bad tempered as Reesie is, there’s something solid about her. I feel I can trust her. But I’m scared if I start talking, I might not know where to stop.
I’m quiet for a long while. This girl is patient; I’ll say that for her.
“Pat has a scholarship to study marine biology in the fall,” I continue finally. “It’s everything she’s always wanted, everything she’s worked for, but she came here instead.”
“But just for the summer, right?” asks Reesie.
“Sure,” I say unconvincingly. “But the thing is, she didn’t need to come here at all. If she’d stuck to her own plan, she’d be safe at home right now.”
“So she took a detour. I expect most of the tourist kids here are doing that. It’s not so surprising, is it?”
“But that’s not like her. From as far back as I can remember, she had this plan for her life. She never deviated, never hesitated, until the last couple of months. Things changed.” I hesitate, trying to figure out how to explain, without telling her everything. I’m not sure what I want from her; absolution, maybe, though I know it’s not hers to give. “Pat never really had much chance to be a kid. The first time it dawned on me our mom might not be up
I look away fast.
The ray has circled back and wings under us again. It’s strange that it keeps returning to the dock.
“Their pups are born with everything they’ll ever need to survive,” I say. “They have a barb on the end of their tail to protect them, they know how to find food and their mouth plates are fully formed. They don’t need their parents for anything.”
“All you tourist kids think about is fish.”
“But no one knows why they jump. Sometimes the females jump when they’re giving birth and the pups drop out of them in midair. Some people think they jump to evade predators.”
“They probably jump because they’re bored,” says Reesie.
“I didn’t think they’d let me come,” I confess. “I didn’t ask them until after I’d bought the ticket, but even so, right up until I walked in the room and told Mom to put down her drink, I thought one of them would stop me.”
“They didn’t try?” She’s doing a poor job of keeping her voice neutral.
“My dad asked if I had enough cash. Mom didn’t say anything. I think she was happy to see me go. It’s not like I was doing anything important back home, and they’re as anxious for me to find Pat as I am.” I pause to focus on breathing as tightness spreads across my chest. I know I shouldn’t feel hurtthat my parents let me go off alone to the same place Pat disappeared. They’d already been down here ahead of me, so they probably felt comfortable it wasn’t dangerous; but if they believed that, what do they think happened to Pat?
“Anyway, Mom’s got her own problems,” I say, as much to myself as to Reesie. “She can’t be worrying about me all the time.” I’m hoping Reesie will leave it at that and not push me to explain that Mom never seemed to worry about me, not when I cut school or got suspended for smoking dope — not even when I got busted for selling fake IDs and she and Dad had to come down to the police station to bail me out. She told me not to do it again, but she never got angry and she never once punished me. That was weird, because Pat could make the smallest mistake — oversleep and miss swim practice or get a B on a test — and Mom would be all over her. Maybe she figured with me there was no point. I’ve never been particularly good in school. I don’t have my sister’s brains or ambition.
I feel every contour of the wood as my hands grip the dock. Reesie covers my hand with hers, and we sit like that for a while. I can feel her waiting, and a part of me would like to spill my whole life story. I imagine it would be a relief to talk it out with someone, and as bad tempered as Reesie is, there’s something solid about her. I feel I can trust her. But I’m scared if I start talking, I might not know where to stop.
I’m quiet for a long while. This girl is patient; I’ll say that for her.
“Pat has a scholarship to study marine biology in the fall,” I continue finally. “It’s everything she’s always wanted, everything she’s worked for, but she came here instead.”
“But just for the summer, right?” asks Reesie.
“Sure,” I say unconvincingly. “But the thing is, she didn’t need to come here at all. If she’d stuck to her own plan, she’d be safe at home right now.”
“So she took a detour. I expect most of the tourist kids here are doing that. It’s not so surprising, is it?”
“But that’s not like her. From as far back as I can remember, she had this plan for her life. She never deviated, never hesitated, until the last couple of months. Things changed.” I hesitate, trying to figure out how to explain, without telling her everything. I’m not sure what I want from her; absolution, maybe, though I know it’s not hers to give. “Pat never really had much chance to be a kid. The first time it dawned on me our mom might not be up
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