been there to witness it.
Dan and Nat entered the room, from opposite directions, at almost exactly the same time. Lilah smiled at Natalie, who ignored her, and went over to speak to Andrew in hushed tones. Lilah sighed loudly.
‘Do you have tomato juice, Jen? I fancy a Bloody Mary. Dan? Can I tempt you?’
Dan shrugged, then nodded. His eyes were only half open and bloodshot, he looked like he hadn’t had much sleep.
‘Bloody Mary, Jen?’ She declined. ‘How about you two?’ she asked, addressing Andrew and Natalie.
Natalie looked up at her, face expressionless, mouth set in a line.
‘Ummm…’ Andrew said.
‘No, thank you, we’re fine,’ Natalie said. Nothing. Not the slightest flicker of emotion.
Lilah lowered her eyes, looking over her shoulder at Andrew, a half-smile on her lips. ‘You sure? Drew?’ She could see the muscle tense in Nat’s jaw, but she didn’t say anything. Lilah was a little disappointed, she thought that one would have landed for sure. After all, no one but Lilah had ever called him Drew: to them he was always Andrew. She’d just have to push harder. ‘Come on,’ she said, grin widening. ‘You know you want to.’ She slid one leg off the other and got up to make the cocktails. She could feel Natalie’s eyes boring into her back and her adrenaline starting to rise.
Lilah turned her attention to Dan, who was eyeing her a little nervously. He was thinking about what she’d said the night before, she could tell. He was wondering whether she was going to start up again, to give him a hard time. She smiled at him sweetly as she handed him his drink.
‘You sleep OK, sweetie?’ she asked.
‘Uh. Yeah, fine, thanks.’ He looked puzzled, which was just the way she wanted him. She needed to throw him off his game, wrong-foot him. Start off mean, then go charming. Like negging, only backwards. That’s the way to get what you want from them. She sat down at Dan’s side, directly opposite Andrew, diagonally opposite Natalie. Jen buzzed around them, bringing food, pouring coffee. The fire crackled, the sun shone. Lilah raised her glass.
‘Cheers, everyone,’ she said with a smile. ‘It really is lovely to see you all again.’
They clinked. Lilah enjoyed their slightly bemused expressions.
‘Is your… uh… is Zac not joining us for breakfast?’ Jen asked her, placing a large jug of orange juice in the centre of the table.
‘He’s still in bed,’ Lilah replied. ‘Let him sleep,’ she went on coyly, keeping her eyes down. ‘I think I may have worn him out.’ She looked up at Andrew and smiled.
Andrew’s cheeks reddened again, Natalie rolled her eyes, exhaling through pursed lips.
Lilah wasn’t looking for the eyeroll, though, she didn’t just want an exasperated sigh. She wanted Natalie to say something, she wanted her to react. Any sort of reaction would do, even a furious one. She just couldn’t bear
this
, the silence, the sense of being ignored, the utter disconnect. Even last night, when Natalie was angry, she was angry with Jen, she engaged with
Jen
. Lilah got the feeling that all Natalie wanted of her was to go away.
There had been a time when she and Nat had lived each other’s lives, shared every joy and failure, finished each other’s sentences. They used to talk for hours and hours into the night, planning their glorious futures. They were going to share a flat together in London; Nat would be working on her novel, Lilah, with visions of Sam Jones in her head, would make a fortune in PR. They were going to travel to the Far East, to South America, drive across the United States or Australia. Sometimes Andrew was going to come with them, sometimes he was curiously absent. They had such plans, before the fall. Before.
14 January 1996
Email, from Natalie to Lilah
Hi Lilo,
I hope you’re feeling better. I thought I’d write this down, as we don’t seem to be getting anywhere on the phone.
I’m worried. This isn’t like you, it
Dan and Nat entered the room, from opposite directions, at almost exactly the same time. Lilah smiled at Natalie, who ignored her, and went over to speak to Andrew in hushed tones. Lilah sighed loudly.
‘Do you have tomato juice, Jen? I fancy a Bloody Mary. Dan? Can I tempt you?’
Dan shrugged, then nodded. His eyes were only half open and bloodshot, he looked like he hadn’t had much sleep.
‘Bloody Mary, Jen?’ She declined. ‘How about you two?’ she asked, addressing Andrew and Natalie.
Natalie looked up at her, face expressionless, mouth set in a line.
‘Ummm…’ Andrew said.
‘No, thank you, we’re fine,’ Natalie said. Nothing. Not the slightest flicker of emotion.
Lilah lowered her eyes, looking over her shoulder at Andrew, a half-smile on her lips. ‘You sure? Drew?’ She could see the muscle tense in Nat’s jaw, but she didn’t say anything. Lilah was a little disappointed, she thought that one would have landed for sure. After all, no one but Lilah had ever called him Drew: to them he was always Andrew. She’d just have to push harder. ‘Come on,’ she said, grin widening. ‘You know you want to.’ She slid one leg off the other and got up to make the cocktails. She could feel Natalie’s eyes boring into her back and her adrenaline starting to rise.
Lilah turned her attention to Dan, who was eyeing her a little nervously. He was thinking about what she’d said the night before, she could tell. He was wondering whether she was going to start up again, to give him a hard time. She smiled at him sweetly as she handed him his drink.
‘You sleep OK, sweetie?’ she asked.
‘Uh. Yeah, fine, thanks.’ He looked puzzled, which was just the way she wanted him. She needed to throw him off his game, wrong-foot him. Start off mean, then go charming. Like negging, only backwards. That’s the way to get what you want from them. She sat down at Dan’s side, directly opposite Andrew, diagonally opposite Natalie. Jen buzzed around them, bringing food, pouring coffee. The fire crackled, the sun shone. Lilah raised her glass.
‘Cheers, everyone,’ she said with a smile. ‘It really is lovely to see you all again.’
They clinked. Lilah enjoyed their slightly bemused expressions.
‘Is your… uh… is Zac not joining us for breakfast?’ Jen asked her, placing a large jug of orange juice in the centre of the table.
‘He’s still in bed,’ Lilah replied. ‘Let him sleep,’ she went on coyly, keeping her eyes down. ‘I think I may have worn him out.’ She looked up at Andrew and smiled.
Andrew’s cheeks reddened again, Natalie rolled her eyes, exhaling through pursed lips.
Lilah wasn’t looking for the eyeroll, though, she didn’t just want an exasperated sigh. She wanted Natalie to say something, she wanted her to react. Any sort of reaction would do, even a furious one. She just couldn’t bear
this
, the silence, the sense of being ignored, the utter disconnect. Even last night, when Natalie was angry, she was angry with Jen, she engaged with
Jen
. Lilah got the feeling that all Natalie wanted of her was to go away.
There had been a time when she and Nat had lived each other’s lives, shared every joy and failure, finished each other’s sentences. They used to talk for hours and hours into the night, planning their glorious futures. They were going to share a flat together in London; Nat would be working on her novel, Lilah, with visions of Sam Jones in her head, would make a fortune in PR. They were going to travel to the Far East, to South America, drive across the United States or Australia. Sometimes Andrew was going to come with them, sometimes he was curiously absent. They had such plans, before the fall. Before.
14 January 1996
Email, from Natalie to Lilah
Hi Lilo,
I hope you’re feeling better. I thought I’d write this down, as we don’t seem to be getting anywhere on the phone.
I’m worried. This isn’t like you, it
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