having any libido at all so I took the pills. The idea of never having sex again scared the crap out of me. I love the feel of a man. I was happy I still desired them even though my insides were sucked out and shredded. I felt I was way too young to never have sex again. So yes, the idea scared the crap out of me. Besides, who would want a woman that wasn’t interested in being intimate? I admit I size up men just for those special moments. I plan to live my life well into my nineties being a sexy old lady still getting her groove on so the guy I end up with has to be able to keep up with me! Rule number one: healthy libido.
The dreaded hysterectomy was damaging to my heart too of course. It meant I’d never have a child and quite possibly never be a mother. Well, not a mother to a child that I bore. I wasn’t sure in the days to come if I’d ever quite get over that fact. Yeah, I suppose I would adopt eventually. It actually doesn’t help in the dating process either. Not many men want a woman who can’t give them a child of their own. I have not met a man yet that didn’t want to have children someday. It’s a buzz kill when I break the news. It’s also heartbreaking when they act a fool after they find out like I kept it a secret from them. Read my profile, I tell them, stop just looking at my pictures. It’s right there in black and white, surely you can read! Dammit!
I was finding it hard to concentrate on sleep now with that on my mind. After thinking about my life in a nutshell both Radley and Ed were swimming around in my head like ducks. Both had such great attributes. Both wanted children. Both would have made beautiful babies with me but not as my life’s journey would have seemed to have it I wasn’t able to give either one of them a child. But both also made it their life ambition to destroy me.
Funny thing, when Ed destroyed me Radley was there to help glue me back together. Of course, it was easy for him. He wasn’t the one responsible for the break. He didn’t like to be responsible for anything. He was good like that. But he was good as golden to be there for me and be very loving to me. He understood what I needed, he knew the right words to say, and he didn’t allow me to lose myself in the process. He made sure I made it out of the hole I dug myself in. He allowed me to grieve but gave me reasons to be strong, to be proud, not to forget how much of a woman I was. A woman worthy of a man who could take care of her heart he would say. The more he said it the more I believed it. It helped to hear it come from him. He knew he wasn’t worthy either. He tried it more than once but of course, it doesn’t work for him.
So, I have these times that I just can’t get them both out of my head. Like now. They won’t let me alone. Ed was so in synch with my heart or I thought so anyway. His leaving over the fact I couldn’t give him a child was devastating. Radley broke me first which now I guess gives him the right to help me heal. It’s a strange and a weird bond we have now. I swear if I had a dollar for every time those two men entered my mind I’d be a rich lady on a Venice beach sunbathing nude! Just saying. And only because I wouldn’t care what anyone thought if I did sunbathe nude. At least I’d be without tan lines, happy and quite possibly content alone.
I was happily knee deep and wallowing in my self-pity-pen, sort of like a pig-pen but pitiful, when a private message popped up on my phone screen. I opened the site and was pleasantly surprised.
“It’s David from the coffee shop. Remember me?”
“Oh yes,” I replied. That’s why he looked familiar. “I wouldn’t have guessed you to be on a dating site.”
“I’m just checking it out. Couldn’t hurt
The dreaded hysterectomy was damaging to my heart too of course. It meant I’d never have a child and quite possibly never be a mother. Well, not a mother to a child that I bore. I wasn’t sure in the days to come if I’d ever quite get over that fact. Yeah, I suppose I would adopt eventually. It actually doesn’t help in the dating process either. Not many men want a woman who can’t give them a child of their own. I have not met a man yet that didn’t want to have children someday. It’s a buzz kill when I break the news. It’s also heartbreaking when they act a fool after they find out like I kept it a secret from them. Read my profile, I tell them, stop just looking at my pictures. It’s right there in black and white, surely you can read! Dammit!
I was finding it hard to concentrate on sleep now with that on my mind. After thinking about my life in a nutshell both Radley and Ed were swimming around in my head like ducks. Both had such great attributes. Both wanted children. Both would have made beautiful babies with me but not as my life’s journey would have seemed to have it I wasn’t able to give either one of them a child. But both also made it their life ambition to destroy me.
Funny thing, when Ed destroyed me Radley was there to help glue me back together. Of course, it was easy for him. He wasn’t the one responsible for the break. He didn’t like to be responsible for anything. He was good like that. But he was good as golden to be there for me and be very loving to me. He understood what I needed, he knew the right words to say, and he didn’t allow me to lose myself in the process. He made sure I made it out of the hole I dug myself in. He allowed me to grieve but gave me reasons to be strong, to be proud, not to forget how much of a woman I was. A woman worthy of a man who could take care of her heart he would say. The more he said it the more I believed it. It helped to hear it come from him. He knew he wasn’t worthy either. He tried it more than once but of course, it doesn’t work for him.
So, I have these times that I just can’t get them both out of my head. Like now. They won’t let me alone. Ed was so in synch with my heart or I thought so anyway. His leaving over the fact I couldn’t give him a child was devastating. Radley broke me first which now I guess gives him the right to help me heal. It’s a strange and a weird bond we have now. I swear if I had a dollar for every time those two men entered my mind I’d be a rich lady on a Venice beach sunbathing nude! Just saying. And only because I wouldn’t care what anyone thought if I did sunbathe nude. At least I’d be without tan lines, happy and quite possibly content alone.
I was happily knee deep and wallowing in my self-pity-pen, sort of like a pig-pen but pitiful, when a private message popped up on my phone screen. I opened the site and was pleasantly surprised.
“It’s David from the coffee shop. Remember me?”
“Oh yes,” I replied. That’s why he looked familiar. “I wouldn’t have guessed you to be on a dating site.”
“I’m just checking it out. Couldn’t hurt
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