Read Online The Punishment of Ivy Leavold (Markham Hall Book 3) by Sierra Simone - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Sierra Simone
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the ways she wanted, without worrying about being subsumed by the darkness that seemed to accompany these tides of lust. It was hardly the topic for polite conversation, but I didn’t have it in me to equivocate or dissemble. So again, I chose honesty.
“I love Julian,” I said. “I love everything about him. His thoughts, his company, even his fits of melancholy. And I love the way he fucks me. But you know what he’s like. He’s…”
“Dark?” Molly supplied. “Overwhelming? Volcanic? Excruciating? Consum—”
“Yes,” I cut her off. “All of those.”
“Sorry,” she said and then examined her fingernails. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it.”
“But the thing is that I love that too. I need it. He’s…” I hesitated, but then forged ahead—if there was one woman who wouldn’t be shocked by this, it was Molly. “...he’s done things to me that should frighten me. He’s pinned me down and fucked me, he’s pushed me, he’s chased me, he’s done things to me that I’ve never even known were possible—and I have loved every minute of it. Even the worst thing he’s done, the very worst thing…in my secret moments, it arouses me. Tell me that’s not sick. Tell me I’m not twisted.”
She cocked her head, letting her eyes slide slowly to mine. “You are sick, Ivy Leavold,” she said. “Sick with something that doesn’t have a cure. Of course, most of us don’t want a cure, so there’s that.”
“But how do you live with it? Aren’t you afraid of what you’re capable of? Of what you’ll let someone be capable of doing to you?”
She laughed. “Afraid? No. I promised myself as a child that I would not feel fear as a grown woman, and I have not. But, my dear, you and I are two different breeds of the same species. Do you think that Silas fucks the same way Julian does?”
I knew for a fact that he didn’t, actually. My cheeks warmed, thinking of the three of us that night in York.
“It’s the same with you and me. I quite enjoy the feeling of having power over a man. But I don’t like being dominated and I refuse to feel afraid. You, darling, are the opposite. You want that fear. You want to have someone that you can surrender some part of your life to. Perhaps it’s because you had no one to take care of you growing up, or perhaps it was encoded in your cells from birth. What does it matter?” She shook those perfect copper curls. “You are too smart to want that surrender in all parts of your life; you don’t want to be some meek hausfrau who faints whenever someone mentions the pollination of flowers. You want to have your life and your mind to yourself. But you still need the surrender, don’t you? So what is a woman to do?”
She answered her own question. “You find a man who matches your needs. A man who will cherish you tenderly, who will respect you in all ways, but will insist that somewhere, somehow, in some part of your life, you totally and wholly capitulate to him. And you’ve found him. I’ve never seen a man so besotted as Julian is with you. He wasn’t even this way with Violet. He will give you everything you need.”
“But who am I that needs such things?” Tears choked my voice now, and I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly so upset, but I was and I couldn’t hide it. “I don’t know if I like this woman.”
“You don’t have to like her,” Molly said, standing. “You are her. You keep waiting for some epiphany, but the epiphany is the moment you realize that you don’t need one. Face it: you are this way—whether born or made, it makes no difference. It’s who you were meant to be. Imagine that you finally succeed in alienating Julian. That you never see him or anyone like him ever again. What happens then? You marry some man who cannot even begin to please you, or even know the real you, and you spend the rest of your days desperately unhappy—”
I was already shaking my head. No, no, I would never marry. Not if it
“I love Julian,” I said. “I love everything about him. His thoughts, his company, even his fits of melancholy. And I love the way he fucks me. But you know what he’s like. He’s…”
“Dark?” Molly supplied. “Overwhelming? Volcanic? Excruciating? Consum—”
“Yes,” I cut her off. “All of those.”
“Sorry,” she said and then examined her fingernails. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it.”
“But the thing is that I love that too. I need it. He’s…” I hesitated, but then forged ahead—if there was one woman who wouldn’t be shocked by this, it was Molly. “...he’s done things to me that should frighten me. He’s pinned me down and fucked me, he’s pushed me, he’s chased me, he’s done things to me that I’ve never even known were possible—and I have loved every minute of it. Even the worst thing he’s done, the very worst thing…in my secret moments, it arouses me. Tell me that’s not sick. Tell me I’m not twisted.”
She cocked her head, letting her eyes slide slowly to mine. “You are sick, Ivy Leavold,” she said. “Sick with something that doesn’t have a cure. Of course, most of us don’t want a cure, so there’s that.”
“But how do you live with it? Aren’t you afraid of what you’re capable of? Of what you’ll let someone be capable of doing to you?”
She laughed. “Afraid? No. I promised myself as a child that I would not feel fear as a grown woman, and I have not. But, my dear, you and I are two different breeds of the same species. Do you think that Silas fucks the same way Julian does?”
I knew for a fact that he didn’t, actually. My cheeks warmed, thinking of the three of us that night in York.
“It’s the same with you and me. I quite enjoy the feeling of having power over a man. But I don’t like being dominated and I refuse to feel afraid. You, darling, are the opposite. You want that fear. You want to have someone that you can surrender some part of your life to. Perhaps it’s because you had no one to take care of you growing up, or perhaps it was encoded in your cells from birth. What does it matter?” She shook those perfect copper curls. “You are too smart to want that surrender in all parts of your life; you don’t want to be some meek hausfrau who faints whenever someone mentions the pollination of flowers. You want to have your life and your mind to yourself. But you still need the surrender, don’t you? So what is a woman to do?”
She answered her own question. “You find a man who matches your needs. A man who will cherish you tenderly, who will respect you in all ways, but will insist that somewhere, somehow, in some part of your life, you totally and wholly capitulate to him. And you’ve found him. I’ve never seen a man so besotted as Julian is with you. He wasn’t even this way with Violet. He will give you everything you need.”
“But who am I that needs such things?” Tears choked my voice now, and I wasn’t sure why I was suddenly so upset, but I was and I couldn’t hide it. “I don’t know if I like this woman.”
“You don’t have to like her,” Molly said, standing. “You are her. You keep waiting for some epiphany, but the epiphany is the moment you realize that you don’t need one. Face it: you are this way—whether born or made, it makes no difference. It’s who you were meant to be. Imagine that you finally succeed in alienating Julian. That you never see him or anyone like him ever again. What happens then? You marry some man who cannot even begin to please you, or even know the real you, and you spend the rest of your days desperately unhappy—”
I was already shaking my head. No, no, I would never marry. Not if it
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