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unshed tears. The crying became louder
     next door and there was a warning thump on the wall.
    ‘What is it you want me to do, Molly?’ he raised his voice. ‘Magic you younger? I don’t understand.
Time is running out!
I don’t want to be one of those sad OAP couples everyone calls selfish bastards, having IVF alongside our first hip replacements.
     You need to get a grip and grow up!’
    He made for the door again, but then came back ‘—and I am
fucking angry
about what you’ve just accused me of,’ he said furiously. ‘We only use the bloody things full stop because you can’t take
     the pill, thanks to your migraines! In fact, you know what? This whole thing is about you, not me. I can’t believe you think
     I would do something so underhand; I love you! And now you’re actually saying you don’t want kids at all?’
    ‘I’m saying—’
    He didn’t let me finish. ‘At least that’s more honest than the “next year” bullshit.’
    ‘It’s not bullshit!’ I exclaimed.
    He ignored me. ‘I don’t want to put it off any longer, Molly, I want to start trying for children NOW, OK?’ he shouted. ‘Not
     next month, not next year, NOW.’
    I faltered as I looked at him. I could see he was completely serious, he simply wasn’t prepared to wait any longer. For once
     I didn’t go charging in, I’d already said enough; I was frightened of doing the wrong thing.
    But he actually didn’t wait for me to say anything.
    ‘You know, I can’t even look at you right now,’ he shook his head. ‘That you could think I’d actually do something like that
     …’ he turned in disgust and banged out of the room.
    Immediately I wanted to call out after him: ‘Dan, wait. I’m sorry – it’s because I’m scared!’
    Because I’d realised I was. Scared of how it would change my life, what it would mean, what it would be like to actually have
     a baby. What if I was no good at being a mum? What if something happened to me or Dan? And what if – well, being a mum was
     crap? And lonely. Or changed things between Dan and me? Maybe they were things everyone worried about, it was totally normal,
     but what if it wasn’t? What if I
didn’t
want them after all? All that sitting there with Joss and Bec on Saturday smugly saying ‘Yah yah, we know ourselves SO well
     now we’re in our thirties …’ but perhaps I didn’t. Even worse, was this a part of me I had chosen to ignore?
    Or were Dan and Anita right: I just needed to grow up. Maybe that was all it was, I was just being a selfish wuss. After all,
     everyone else seemed to manage it, Karen and Maria by and large enjoyed it. I tried to think back over the last year and a
     half, tried to remember all of the conversations we’d had about having children … perhaps Dan’s comments about stalling
were
fair, but then surely the days of having to start trying for children the second you married were gone, weren’t they?
    I tried to take some deep breaths, attempted to staycalm, but it felt like being stuck at one end of a fraying rope bridge; the ones that swing perilously over dark rocky gorges,
     or rivers of angry lava. Dan on the other side of the canyon shouting at me to hurry up, hand held out – and me not knowing
     if it was safest to run for it, to pick my way across … or stay put and make him come to me. One of us was going to have to
     cross to the other side – that much I did know. There was to be no meeting in the middle on this one.
    I considered going downstairs to find him, saying sorry for my irrational outburst. I even got to the top of the stairs and
     listened tentatively – but the house was already silent. Perhaps he was already asleep? It
was
late and he’d be even more annoyed if I woke him up.
    I decided I’d apologise in the morning.
    But of course that didn’t happen.

Chapter Seven
    I change gear and glance at the clock. Reaching Windsor on time for the start of the conference is not looking likely. The
     traffic has