Read Online The Museum of Modern Love by Heather Rose - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Heather Rose
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me feel when you’re so . . . I keep thinking that if this is the last time, it doesn’t matter that you don’t understand. We’ve been happy. We’ve done our best. Both of us. But if I get well again . . . there’s so much I still want to do. . .’
He held her hand and she looked sadder than he’d ever seen her look.
‘With me? Do you still want to do them with me?’
She said, ‘Arky, sweetheart, it isn’t going well. I can feel it. I’ve come back from this thing so many times. I’m not sure I’m going to pull it off this time.’
‘You’re tired. It’s depressing when it’s Christmas and you’re in here. You’ll be fine.’ He kissed her forehead and smelled the flat odour of drugs leaching from her skin.
‘You need to listen to me, Arky. Please. There’s a centre, a facility.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I need to get well. I need some time out to do that. Somewhere that means absolute rest.’
‘Why can’t we just get nurses again? I thought this was what you wanted, the apartment . . .’
‘I do.’
‘What am I meant to do there without you?’
‘I want to be there. I do. I know this is terrible timing. I know it’s been a huge move and you’ve done it all without me and I’m sorry.’
‘Where is this . . . place you want to go?’
‘East Hampton.’
‘East Hampton? But it’s going to take me hours to come and see you . . .’
‘I don’t want you to visit. Not at first.’
He was stung. ‘Why not?’
‘If I’m lucky I’ll be home in a few weeks. If things get worse they have everything I’ll need.’
‘But why can’t I visit? And what if you do get worse?’
‘Alice knows what to do. You won’t need to do anything.’
‘But I want to.’
‘No you don’t. You hate every minute of me being sick.’
‘Darling, that’s not true.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘You could give me a chance. I mean, East Hampton?’
‘Arky, sweetheart . . . I love you. But I can’t look after you while I’m trying to look after me. Not any more. It’s taken me a while to understand that. This way will be easier for both of us.’
‘Wow. Do you ever get how tough you are?’
‘I don’t feel very tough.’
‘So I’m meant to wait around in an apartment that you wanted to buy, that you’ve never even spent a night in, and one day I’ll get a call to come pick you up in East Hampton?’
‘Arky, I’m frightened. Please don’t make me fight with you over this. Please understand. This is what will work for me. And I know it will work for you. Can you trust me?’
He had loved to watch her walk. It was as if there were extra muscles in her feet and legs that lifted her. When he heard her voice, he felt it was an instrument he would never tire of. When she smiled it was as if he had finally found the one safe place in the world.
If he had been a scientist, the things on his Petri dish would have been Lydia and Alice. On the periphery were Hal, his agent. Healayas. The traitor Tom Washington. When he looked at it like that, all the acquaintances, the film producers, the musiciansand editors, ultimately none of them meant anything. Not when it all came down to it.
When he visited her on New Year’s Eve, Lydia said to him, ‘Sometimes I just want to die so I don’t have to go through getting better again and again. I’m always trying to pick up where I left off. But every episode it’s harder. I can’t get back to where I was, Arky. I’m being washed downstream . . .’
‘Why have you loved me all this time?’ he asked.
‘You’re funny. You’re very sweet. You’re a musical genius. You love me. No one will ever love me the way you do.’
‘But not the right way.’
‘Is there a right way? You might have been better without me. Without your noisy, busy, bossy, crazy wife.’
‘I never want to live without you.’
‘You can.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘But you must. For a little while.’
‘But why are you doing this? Why do you have to go
He held her hand and she looked sadder than he’d ever seen her look.
‘With me? Do you still want to do them with me?’
She said, ‘Arky, sweetheart, it isn’t going well. I can feel it. I’ve come back from this thing so many times. I’m not sure I’m going to pull it off this time.’
‘You’re tired. It’s depressing when it’s Christmas and you’re in here. You’ll be fine.’ He kissed her forehead and smelled the flat odour of drugs leaching from her skin.
‘You need to listen to me, Arky. Please. There’s a centre, a facility.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I need to get well. I need some time out to do that. Somewhere that means absolute rest.’
‘Why can’t we just get nurses again? I thought this was what you wanted, the apartment . . .’
‘I do.’
‘What am I meant to do there without you?’
‘I want to be there. I do. I know this is terrible timing. I know it’s been a huge move and you’ve done it all without me and I’m sorry.’
‘Where is this . . . place you want to go?’
‘East Hampton.’
‘East Hampton? But it’s going to take me hours to come and see you . . .’
‘I don’t want you to visit. Not at first.’
He was stung. ‘Why not?’
‘If I’m lucky I’ll be home in a few weeks. If things get worse they have everything I’ll need.’
‘But why can’t I visit? And what if you do get worse?’
‘Alice knows what to do. You won’t need to do anything.’
‘But I want to.’
‘No you don’t. You hate every minute of me being sick.’
‘Darling, that’s not true.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘You could give me a chance. I mean, East Hampton?’
‘Arky, sweetheart . . . I love you. But I can’t look after you while I’m trying to look after me. Not any more. It’s taken me a while to understand that. This way will be easier for both of us.’
‘Wow. Do you ever get how tough you are?’
‘I don’t feel very tough.’
‘So I’m meant to wait around in an apartment that you wanted to buy, that you’ve never even spent a night in, and one day I’ll get a call to come pick you up in East Hampton?’
‘Arky, I’m frightened. Please don’t make me fight with you over this. Please understand. This is what will work for me. And I know it will work for you. Can you trust me?’
He had loved to watch her walk. It was as if there were extra muscles in her feet and legs that lifted her. When he heard her voice, he felt it was an instrument he would never tire of. When she smiled it was as if he had finally found the one safe place in the world.
If he had been a scientist, the things on his Petri dish would have been Lydia and Alice. On the periphery were Hal, his agent. Healayas. The traitor Tom Washington. When he looked at it like that, all the acquaintances, the film producers, the musiciansand editors, ultimately none of them meant anything. Not when it all came down to it.
When he visited her on New Year’s Eve, Lydia said to him, ‘Sometimes I just want to die so I don’t have to go through getting better again and again. I’m always trying to pick up where I left off. But every episode it’s harder. I can’t get back to where I was, Arky. I’m being washed downstream . . .’
‘Why have you loved me all this time?’ he asked.
‘You’re funny. You’re very sweet. You’re a musical genius. You love me. No one will ever love me the way you do.’
‘But not the right way.’
‘Is there a right way? You might have been better without me. Without your noisy, busy, bossy, crazy wife.’
‘I never want to live without you.’
‘You can.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘But you must. For a little while.’
‘But why are you doing this? Why do you have to go
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