Read Online The Lobster Kings by Alexi Zentner - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Alexi Zentner
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when everything that won’t be said is swallowed down, I can’t just do nothing. I wish I could just howl, that I could scream loud enough to make it right.”
He looked down at his hand and seemed almost surprised to see the pistol, and then he cocked it. The sound was softer than I would have expected, nothing like the breaking click that I would have expected at that moment, and it was perhaps that quietness that made the sound pass through me with the impact of a bullet that hadn’t yet been fired.
He swallowed hard and then his voice turned hard as well. “But all I know is that I’m not heading back to shore with that fucking dog.”
I thought about Brumfitt Kings and his wife rising from the ocean, about what it meant to be a Kings, about the price we had to pay for being able to haul fish out of the ocean like they were called by our voice, and maybe Daddy was thinking the same thing, because when I said, “It’s not his fault, it’s not Second’s fault,” the broken glass in his voice smoothed over.
“You’re right, Cordelia.” He reached out like he was going to put his free hand on my shoulder but then let it drop. “It’s not Second’s fault. I should have taken care of the traps myself or helped Scotty out. I should have kept Second away from Scotty. I should have kept an eye on him, kept the throttle down until he was clear of the ropes. It was my fault, Cordelia, and it was Scotty’s fault. He knew better than to leave the warp such a mess, connected to the bridles, to leave the traps tied together.” He paused, coughed, glanced down to the gun in his hand, and then stared at me again.
“And you. It’s your fault, too, Cordelia. You knew better than to kill the engines, kill the hauler, so I was pulling line by hand. Could have gotten him up faster, out of the water. Might have made the difference. And you should have been helping him. You should have been there to make sure your brother was safe. I thought he was going to be the heir to these waters, the next generation of the Kings men to work as a fisherman, but no. No. He’s gone forever, and instead, I’m left here with three daughters and Scotty to be buried once the light comes up on the morning. It’s my fault, it’s Scotty’s fault, and maybe you don’t deserve asmuch blames as I do, but it’s your fault, too, Cordelia. You should have helped him, but you didn’t. And what am I left with now? What am I left with?”
Me
, I wanted to scream,
You’re left with me
.
But I was choking down a sob, and he answered his own question.
“I’m left without a son, Cordelia. That’s what I’m left with.”
He turned away from me and I couldn’t keep it swallowed anymore, the tears and shaking coming out of me, but then he was turned back to me and taking me in his arms, and his voice had the air gone out of it. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean that. You couldn’t have done anything. It wasn’t your fault. You did right. You did right by all of this, baby. Oh, honey, oh, sweetie. I’m sorry. You brought us around and lined us up, and we got him out of the water as quick as we could.”
I cuffed at my eyes. “But why—”
He cut me off. “I stayed on the deck and pulled Scotty out, and Second went into the water. And it didn’t matter, did it? I didn’t save Scotty, and Second didn’t save Scotty. But that’s what I had to do, that’s what Second had to do. And this is what I have to do now.”
He moved to step past me again, and this time I didn’t stop him. Maybe it was because I was still paralyzed by what he had said, by the way he had said it was my fault, with no doubt. Never mind the apology. I had already pointed at myself, already wondered if my mistake had been what pushed Scotty past the point of reclamation, but it was different when my father said it. To have a father like that, and then to have him say it was my fault, my fault that Scotty died? No matter that Daddy said he was sorry, that
He looked down at his hand and seemed almost surprised to see the pistol, and then he cocked it. The sound was softer than I would have expected, nothing like the breaking click that I would have expected at that moment, and it was perhaps that quietness that made the sound pass through me with the impact of a bullet that hadn’t yet been fired.
He swallowed hard and then his voice turned hard as well. “But all I know is that I’m not heading back to shore with that fucking dog.”
I thought about Brumfitt Kings and his wife rising from the ocean, about what it meant to be a Kings, about the price we had to pay for being able to haul fish out of the ocean like they were called by our voice, and maybe Daddy was thinking the same thing, because when I said, “It’s not his fault, it’s not Second’s fault,” the broken glass in his voice smoothed over.
“You’re right, Cordelia.” He reached out like he was going to put his free hand on my shoulder but then let it drop. “It’s not Second’s fault. I should have taken care of the traps myself or helped Scotty out. I should have kept Second away from Scotty. I should have kept an eye on him, kept the throttle down until he was clear of the ropes. It was my fault, Cordelia, and it was Scotty’s fault. He knew better than to leave the warp such a mess, connected to the bridles, to leave the traps tied together.” He paused, coughed, glanced down to the gun in his hand, and then stared at me again.
“And you. It’s your fault, too, Cordelia. You knew better than to kill the engines, kill the hauler, so I was pulling line by hand. Could have gotten him up faster, out of the water. Might have made the difference. And you should have been helping him. You should have been there to make sure your brother was safe. I thought he was going to be the heir to these waters, the next generation of the Kings men to work as a fisherman, but no. No. He’s gone forever, and instead, I’m left here with three daughters and Scotty to be buried once the light comes up on the morning. It’s my fault, it’s Scotty’s fault, and maybe you don’t deserve asmuch blames as I do, but it’s your fault, too, Cordelia. You should have helped him, but you didn’t. And what am I left with now? What am I left with?”
Me
, I wanted to scream,
You’re left with me
.
But I was choking down a sob, and he answered his own question.
“I’m left without a son, Cordelia. That’s what I’m left with.”
He turned away from me and I couldn’t keep it swallowed anymore, the tears and shaking coming out of me, but then he was turned back to me and taking me in his arms, and his voice had the air gone out of it. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean that. You couldn’t have done anything. It wasn’t your fault. You did right. You did right by all of this, baby. Oh, honey, oh, sweetie. I’m sorry. You brought us around and lined us up, and we got him out of the water as quick as we could.”
I cuffed at my eyes. “But why—”
He cut me off. “I stayed on the deck and pulled Scotty out, and Second went into the water. And it didn’t matter, did it? I didn’t save Scotty, and Second didn’t save Scotty. But that’s what I had to do, that’s what Second had to do. And this is what I have to do now.”
He moved to step past me again, and this time I didn’t stop him. Maybe it was because I was still paralyzed by what he had said, by the way he had said it was my fault, with no doubt. Never mind the apology. I had already pointed at myself, already wondered if my mistake had been what pushed Scotty past the point of reclamation, but it was different when my father said it. To have a father like that, and then to have him say it was my fault, my fault that Scotty died? No matter that Daddy said he was sorry, that
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