Read Online The Legend of the Ditto Twins by Jerry Douglas - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jerry Douglas
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my fuckin money's worth."
He laughed,
a warm, deep laugh, and I responded with one of my own. Here was a man who'd
used The F Word three times in the first two sentences out of his mouth, and
not one of them sounded profane. I liked him already.
He
ushered Dad and me into the house, which was a curious combi nation of
pa st and present. Faded velvet drapes framed the windows
of what once had been the parlor, I guess. On one wall were a huge flat-screen
television and an elaborate stereo system. In front of them, a yellow plastic
recliner had been squeezed in between a pair of overstuffed chairs that may
have been a hundred years old.
"This
is where we hang out," he said.
"'We'?"
"Lily
and me, my daughter. You've never met her, have you? She's at her fuckin'
aerobics class right now, but she said she'd pick up some take-out on her way
home. You eat Chinese?"
Dad and I
both nodded.
"Want
to see your room?"
"I've
seen it already," said Dad. "If you don't mind, I'll just lie down
and catch forty winks. I'm gonna try to drive back tonight."
"Sure.
Help yourself." Clay kept right on walking through a mahogany arch,
leaving Dad to fend for himself. "Good guy, your father. Lousy taste in
women, but I like him. Do you?"
Not
knowing what to say, I followed in silence down a long, dark hallway. He
pointed to a door and motioned me to open it. I set down my stuff and obeyed.
To my surprise, the room beyond glowed with warm afternoon sunlight. It was
twice as big as our bedroom back home, and against one wall stood a huge
four-poster bed covered with a painted black velvet throw depicting The Rolling
Stones in concert.
Clay
patted the bed. "Big enough for two. More if that's your scene." His
rich, rollicking laugh echoed through the room as I tried my damnedest to be
cool. "Lily's queer for The Stones," he explained, segueing without
taking a breath. "I figure Clark'll be wanting
to come visit you sometime soon, yes?"
"Is
that all right?"
"Doofus!
Why wouldn't it be? He's your fuckin' brother. You know, I tried my damnedest
to hire you both for the summer, but your mom had some wild hair up her
ass—wouldn't hear of it. All over a lousy fuckin jar of Vaseline."
I felt as
though I'd just been kicked in the balls. Searching for breath, I sank onto the
foot of the bed. "I guess you know a lot more about us than we do about
you."
"I
bet I do." Another wicked laugh. "So? Ask me any fuckin thing you
want. I have very few secrets left. Go ahead. Ask me. Twin to twin."
I must
have done an awful double-take because he laughed again. "You didn't
know?"
Wide-eyed,
I shook my head.
"Oh,
yeah. I'm a twin, too. Runs in the family."
I could
barely get my words out. "Mom never told us."
"Well,
of course not. God, that woman. Asked me not to say anything either. I swore I wouldn't. But I lied.
We're all chronic liars, y'know . Oh, yes, mendacity
runs in this fuckin family, too. You know what mendacity is?"
I nodded.
"I'll bet you do."
I shifted
uneasily and scratched my sideburn. "Uh... If you don't mind... can I ask?
Why have you told me all these things... all at once so quick like this?"
"To
find out how much your mother's brainwashed you. To see if you're salvageable.
To see if you'll fuckin' stay or go."
"Oh."
With a
smile, maybe a smirk, I started unpacking.
He nodded.
"You don't know it yet, but I'm the best thing that's ever happened to
you. "
Lily
arrived ten minutes later, all Spandex and eyeliner. I couldn't help but notice
she wasn't wearing a bra. As she effortlessly set about to make me feel at
home, I quickly warmed up to her. Two helpings of General Tso's Chicken later, I had a sister; she had a brother.
Later,
after everyone had read his fortune cookie but me, I walked my father to his
truck. He stopped, as if weighing his options. Finally, he decided to hug me.
"You
know you can come back with me if you want to."
"I
know. Thanks. But we promised Mom we'd give it a shot."
"Good
man. I'm proud of
He laughed,
a warm, deep laugh, and I responded with one of my own. Here was a man who'd
used The F Word three times in the first two sentences out of his mouth, and
not one of them sounded profane. I liked him already.
He
ushered Dad and me into the house, which was a curious combi nation of
pa st and present. Faded velvet drapes framed the windows
of what once had been the parlor, I guess. On one wall were a huge flat-screen
television and an elaborate stereo system. In front of them, a yellow plastic
recliner had been squeezed in between a pair of overstuffed chairs that may
have been a hundred years old.
"This
is where we hang out," he said.
"'We'?"
"Lily
and me, my daughter. You've never met her, have you? She's at her fuckin'
aerobics class right now, but she said she'd pick up some take-out on her way
home. You eat Chinese?"
Dad and I
both nodded.
"Want
to see your room?"
"I've
seen it already," said Dad. "If you don't mind, I'll just lie down
and catch forty winks. I'm gonna try to drive back tonight."
"Sure.
Help yourself." Clay kept right on walking through a mahogany arch,
leaving Dad to fend for himself. "Good guy, your father. Lousy taste in
women, but I like him. Do you?"
Not
knowing what to say, I followed in silence down a long, dark hallway. He
pointed to a door and motioned me to open it. I set down my stuff and obeyed.
To my surprise, the room beyond glowed with warm afternoon sunlight. It was
twice as big as our bedroom back home, and against one wall stood a huge
four-poster bed covered with a painted black velvet throw depicting The Rolling
Stones in concert.
Clay
patted the bed. "Big enough for two. More if that's your scene." His
rich, rollicking laugh echoed through the room as I tried my damnedest to be
cool. "Lily's queer for The Stones," he explained, segueing without
taking a breath. "I figure Clark'll be wanting
to come visit you sometime soon, yes?"
"Is
that all right?"
"Doofus!
Why wouldn't it be? He's your fuckin' brother. You know, I tried my damnedest
to hire you both for the summer, but your mom had some wild hair up her
ass—wouldn't hear of it. All over a lousy fuckin jar of Vaseline."
I felt as
though I'd just been kicked in the balls. Searching for breath, I sank onto the
foot of the bed. "I guess you know a lot more about us than we do about
you."
"I
bet I do." Another wicked laugh. "So? Ask me any fuckin thing you
want. I have very few secrets left. Go ahead. Ask me. Twin to twin."
I must
have done an awful double-take because he laughed again. "You didn't
know?"
Wide-eyed,
I shook my head.
"Oh,
yeah. I'm a twin, too. Runs in the family."
I could
barely get my words out. "Mom never told us."
"Well,
of course not. God, that woman. Asked me not to say anything either. I swore I wouldn't. But I lied.
We're all chronic liars, y'know . Oh, yes, mendacity
runs in this fuckin family, too. You know what mendacity is?"
I nodded.
"I'll bet you do."
I shifted
uneasily and scratched my sideburn. "Uh... If you don't mind... can I ask?
Why have you told me all these things... all at once so quick like this?"
"To
find out how much your mother's brainwashed you. To see if you're salvageable.
To see if you'll fuckin' stay or go."
"Oh."
With a
smile, maybe a smirk, I started unpacking.
He nodded.
"You don't know it yet, but I'm the best thing that's ever happened to
you. "
Lily
arrived ten minutes later, all Spandex and eyeliner. I couldn't help but notice
she wasn't wearing a bra. As she effortlessly set about to make me feel at
home, I quickly warmed up to her. Two helpings of General Tso's Chicken later, I had a sister; she had a brother.
Later,
after everyone had read his fortune cookie but me, I walked my father to his
truck. He stopped, as if weighing his options. Finally, he decided to hug me.
"You
know you can come back with me if you want to."
"I
know. Thanks. But we promised Mom we'd give it a shot."
"Good
man. I'm proud of
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