Read Online The House That Jack Built by Graham Masterton - Free Book Online Page B

my father was. Sometimes she says I was born by virgin birth. She was lying in this field one night with her dress pulled up around her waist, and this shoot-ing-star came streaking down from the sky and, like, penetrated her. She said she saw a terrific flash of white light, and that was it: she was knocked up with me.' He frowned beneath his dangling hair, and spread blueberry jelly on one of his Saltines. 'I'm very open-minded, and all, but I don't actually think that's very likely.'
        'Whatever, it's still a nice story,' Effie smiled. 'Is that one of your mom's diets you're eating?'
        Norman frowned at his jelly-smeared Saltine. 'Actually it's my own diet. It's very balanced, and you can actually see that it's balanced. Black is the opposite of white, so I eat black bread with white cheese on it. Blue is the opposite of yellow so I eat yellow Saltines with blueberry jelly. Red is the opposite of green, and so on. I went to art school,' he added, with obvious regret. 'I guess I should have gone to dietician school instead.'
        Craig was impatiently jingling the keys to Valhalla in his pocket. 'It's been great talking to you, Norman, but we have to make tracks. We're getting a little pushed for time here.'
        'You never saw Valhalla before?' asked Norman.
        Craig was visibly irritated. His eyes always went foxy and small when he was irritated. 'How do you know we're going to Valhalla?'
        'You couldn't be going anyplace else. After the Red Oaks Inn, Valhalla is all that's left on this mountain, apart from the view. Besides, I was supposed to meet you here. That's why I waved. Mr. Van Buren called me, see, and asked me to tag along. As an adviser, kind of, and a guide. I didn't realise you were going to be so quick. I went to Pig Hill and they said you wouldn't be back until after lunch, so I guessed you were going to go eat first.'
        'Craig's very impatient to see Valhalla,' said Effie. Impatient? God, he was jingling those keys like a jittery warden at Sing Sing.
        'Why don't you finish your - uh - lunch?' Craig suggested. 'Then you can catch up with us.'
        'Oh, I guess I shouldn't,' said Norman. 'Mr. Van Buren said I should keep you company the whole time, because some of the building is like pretty unsafe. Besides, he said you'd probably want to know what it would cost to put it all back together, and that's where I come in. Restoring local houses, that's one of the things I do. Admitted, I never restored a house as big as Valhalla, but I'm very good on floors and ceilings. I can render. I can tile. I've put in three spiral staircases, two timber, one cast-iron. And a whole limed-oak kitchen, too.'
        'We're just viewing,' Effie explained. 'We don't need a builder.'
        Norman crammed the rest of his Saltine into his mouth, and wrapped up everything else in his National Enquirer. 'Sure, I know you are. But Mr. Van Buren said that it wouldn't hurt.'
        'All right, then,' Craig agreed, still foxy-eyed. 'It won't hurt. Now, shall we go?'
        He stalked back to the BMW just as an ear-splitting clap of thunder exploded right over their heads. There was a moment's pause, and then fat, warm spots of rain began to fall. Norman took Effie's elbow and said, 'Better hurry. The good old firmament's just about to open.'
        Craig climbed into the car and slammed the door. Norman was just about to open the passenger door for Effie when she held his arm and said, 'What did Mr. Van Buren tell you, Norman? I mean, we're viewing, that's all.'
        Norman shrugged. 'Mr. Van Buren said that anybody who wants to look at a house like Valhalla usually wants to buy a house like Valhalla, and who is he to stand in their way. You know what houses are like. They're the same as crack cocaine. Either you don't even think about it, or else you'll kill for it.'
        'And what do you think?'
        'I don't know. Whatever makes you happy.'
        'Look at