Read Online The Great American Novel by Philip Roth - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Philip Roth
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Whonk, North, whonk, South, America! And, oh, donât try hiding, Antarcticaâ whonk you too! And that will be it, fans, as far as the landmass goes. A brand new ballgame.
Only where is it going to be played? Under the lights on the dark side of the Moon? Will Walter OâMalley with his feel for the future really move the Dodgers to Mars? There is no doubt, Mr. OâM., that you cannot beat that planet for parking, but tell me, has your accountant consulted your astrophysicist yet? Are you sure there are curves on Mars? Will pitchers on Venus work in regular rotation in temperatures of five hundred degrees? And fly balls hit into Saturnâs ringsâground-rule doubles or cheap home runs? And what of the historic Fall Classic and the pieties thereofâplan to rechristen it the Solar System Series, or do you figure eventually to go intergalactic? Only when you get beyond the Milky Way, sir, do they even have October? Better check. And hurry, hurryâthere is much scheming and bullshitting and stock-splitting to be done, if you are to be ready in time for the coming cataclysm. For make no mistake, you sharp-eyed, fast-talking, money-making OâMalleys of America, you proprietors, promoters, expropriators, and entrepreneurs: the coming cataclysm is coming. The cushy long-term lease has just about run out on this Los Angeles of a franchise called Earthâand yes, like the dinosaur, like the whale, like hundreds upon hundreds of species whose bones and poems we never even knew, you too will be out on your dispossessed ass, Mr. and Mrs. Roaring Success! Henceforth all your games will be played away, too. Away! Away! Far far away! So then, farewell, fugitives! Pleasant journey, pilgrims! Auf Wiedersehen, evacuees! A demain, d.p.s! Adios, drifters! So long, scapegoats! Hasta mañana, émigrés! Pax vobiscum, pariahs! Happy landing, hobos! Aloha, outcasts! Shalom, shalom, shelterless, shipwrecked, shucked, shunted, and shuttled humankind! Or, as we say so succinctly in America, to the unfit, the failed, the floundering and forgotten, HIT THE ROAD, YA BUMS!
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HOME SWEET HOME
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Containing as much of the history of the Patriot League as is necessary to acquaint the reader with its precarious condition at the beginning of the Second World War. The character of General Oakhartâsoldier, patriot, and President of the League. His great love for the rides of the game. His ambitions. By way of a contrast, the character of Gil Gamesh, the most sensational rookie pitcher of all time. His attitude toward authority and mankind in general. The wisdom and suffering of Mike âthe Mouthâ Masterson, the umpire who is caught in between. The expulsion from baseball of the lawbreaker Gamesh. In which Mike the Mouth becomes baseballâs Lear and the nationâs Fool. A brief history of the Ruppert Mundys, in which the decline from greatness is traced, including short sketches of their heroic center-fielder Luke Gofannon, and the esteemed manager and Christian gentleman Ulysses S. Fairsmith. The chapter is concluded with a dialogue between General Oakhart and Mister Fairsmith, containing a few surprises and disappointments for the General.
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W HY THE R UPPERT M UNDYS had been chosen to become the homeless team of baseball was explained to the Port Ruppert fans with that inspirational phrase of yesteryear, âto help save the world for democracy.â Because of the proximity of beautiful Mundy Park to the Port Ruppert harbor and dock facilities, the War Department had labeled it an ideal embarkation camp and the government had arranged to lease the site from the owners for the duration of the struggle. A city of two-story barracks was to be constructed on the playing field to house the soldiers in transit, and the ivy-covered brick structure that in the Mundy heyday used to hold a happy Sunday crowd of thirty-five thousand was to furnish headquarters facilities for those who would be shipping
Only where is it going to be played? Under the lights on the dark side of the Moon? Will Walter OâMalley with his feel for the future really move the Dodgers to Mars? There is no doubt, Mr. OâM., that you cannot beat that planet for parking, but tell me, has your accountant consulted your astrophysicist yet? Are you sure there are curves on Mars? Will pitchers on Venus work in regular rotation in temperatures of five hundred degrees? And fly balls hit into Saturnâs ringsâground-rule doubles or cheap home runs? And what of the historic Fall Classic and the pieties thereofâplan to rechristen it the Solar System Series, or do you figure eventually to go intergalactic? Only when you get beyond the Milky Way, sir, do they even have October? Better check. And hurry, hurryâthere is much scheming and bullshitting and stock-splitting to be done, if you are to be ready in time for the coming cataclysm. For make no mistake, you sharp-eyed, fast-talking, money-making OâMalleys of America, you proprietors, promoters, expropriators, and entrepreneurs: the coming cataclysm is coming. The cushy long-term lease has just about run out on this Los Angeles of a franchise called Earthâand yes, like the dinosaur, like the whale, like hundreds upon hundreds of species whose bones and poems we never even knew, you too will be out on your dispossessed ass, Mr. and Mrs. Roaring Success! Henceforth all your games will be played away, too. Away! Away! Far far away! So then, farewell, fugitives! Pleasant journey, pilgrims! Auf Wiedersehen, evacuees! A demain, d.p.s! Adios, drifters! So long, scapegoats! Hasta mañana, émigrés! Pax vobiscum, pariahs! Happy landing, hobos! Aloha, outcasts! Shalom, shalom, shelterless, shipwrecked, shucked, shunted, and shuttled humankind! Or, as we say so succinctly in America, to the unfit, the failed, the floundering and forgotten, HIT THE ROAD, YA BUMS!
1
HOME SWEET HOME
1
Containing as much of the history of the Patriot League as is necessary to acquaint the reader with its precarious condition at the beginning of the Second World War. The character of General Oakhartâsoldier, patriot, and President of the League. His great love for the rides of the game. His ambitions. By way of a contrast, the character of Gil Gamesh, the most sensational rookie pitcher of all time. His attitude toward authority and mankind in general. The wisdom and suffering of Mike âthe Mouthâ Masterson, the umpire who is caught in between. The expulsion from baseball of the lawbreaker Gamesh. In which Mike the Mouth becomes baseballâs Lear and the nationâs Fool. A brief history of the Ruppert Mundys, in which the decline from greatness is traced, including short sketches of their heroic center-fielder Luke Gofannon, and the esteemed manager and Christian gentleman Ulysses S. Fairsmith. The chapter is concluded with a dialogue between General Oakhart and Mister Fairsmith, containing a few surprises and disappointments for the General.
Â
W HY THE R UPPERT M UNDYS had been chosen to become the homeless team of baseball was explained to the Port Ruppert fans with that inspirational phrase of yesteryear, âto help save the world for democracy.â Because of the proximity of beautiful Mundy Park to the Port Ruppert harbor and dock facilities, the War Department had labeled it an ideal embarkation camp and the government had arranged to lease the site from the owners for the duration of the struggle. A city of two-story barracks was to be constructed on the playing field to house the soldiers in transit, and the ivy-covered brick structure that in the Mundy heyday used to hold a happy Sunday crowd of thirty-five thousand was to furnish headquarters facilities for those who would be shipping
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