Read Online The Fan Man by William Kotzwinkle - Free Book Online Page B

bigger than a postage stamp, upon which the Ace of Spades is embossed, contains actual lighter fluid. By simply unscrewing this little knob I remove the match itself, and strike it against the abrasive surface of the Ace of Spades, producing healthful nonsulphurous fire to light the homemade Horse Badorties hookah.
    Scratch… scratch
    Total failure of ignition. Astronaut Badorties waits in painful anticipation while the ground crew scrambles around inside the satchel. Lift-off is then provided by old-fashioned polluting sulphurous matches which work instantly and lift Astronaut Badorties into outer spaced-out places, man. Floating, man, on Central Park lake.
    Now, man, in my sound-proof hat and relaxed brain, I am slipping down under the seat, man, and stretching out on the deck of the boat, man, and going to sleep.
    The oars are in, man, and the boat is gently rocking, drifting along wherever it cares to go, man. The gods will navigate it for me, man, and protect the innocent sleeper. To the tides of the holy stagnant pool, man, I commit myself. I am so tired, man, from losing my school bus and running through swamps and phoning all night and rowing out to the middle of this artificial motherfucking poisoned lake. Now, man, in total silence and peace, looking up to the bright soot-gray sky above, man, I am soaking up vital prana; the astral fluid of life, man, swims into my valuable precious falling-apart person.
    There seems to be a slight leak in this boat, man. It was dry when I entered it, but I feel water swirling around my Chinese-Japanese shoes. A minor acupuncture, man, of the Puerto Rican flagship. I cannot investigate it now. Commodore Schmuck is sinking into sleep, man, in order to gain strength for unknown battles to come.

Chapter 13
Commodore Schmuck Is Betrayed at the Bay of Crabs
    “Hey, Raoul, dere ees a boat floatin’ all eetself on de water.”
    “Come on,
muchachos
, les’ get dat boat an’ go for a ride!”
    “Eeet’s too far out. How we gon’ get eet?”
    “I’ll sweem out for eet.”
    “Hokay,
hombre, muy bien
.”
    Jump een de lake, sweem out for de boat. We de Hundred an’ First Street Knights,
hombre
, we sweem good, get a holt ob de rope hangin’ down from de fron’ ob de boat an’ bring her bock to shore.
    “Hokay, here eet ees. “
    “Come on,
muchachos
!”
    “Hey … wait a secon’, somebody ees een dees boat. Look, he layin’ een de bottom ob de boat.”
    “Eet’s hokay, he ees a heepie, he don’ mind eef we use hees boat.”
    Climbin’ een, we all climbin’ een de heepie’s boat. “Don’ wake heem up,
muchachos
, he look bery tired. Don’ step on heem. Come on,
muchachos
, all aboar’.”
    “Dees boat hob a leek een eet.”
    “Das’ alrigh’ …we can … take the oar, Jose.”
    “We got too many een dees boat, mon.”
    “Row hard,
amigos
, row!”
    “Hey, Raul, I tellin’ you, look at de boat, our boat she is takin’ a lot ob water… .”
    “Row,
amigos
, row!”
    “Fuck eet, mon, the fron’ ob dees boat ees goin’ under.”
    “She’s goeeng down… .”
    “Jump,
muchachos
, she ees seekeeng!”
    I’m having some kind of dream, man, that somebody is trying to push me down into the toilet bowl again, man, somebody trying to drown me. Fuck this dream, man, I’d better wake up. It must be time to leave my pad … man, WHAT’S GOING ON! Where am I, what, man, what?
    Green scummy water, man, all over me, and kids, man, all around … I’m in some kind of green dish, man … what is it, man, a Puerto Rican bathtub? There are trees, man, you’re in Central Park, man, and your boat is sinking. Quick, man, grab your satchel, there it goes.
    Like lightning, man, Commodore Schmuck grabs the Bardo of Death by the handle. Hang onto that satchel, man. Watch it, man, the umbrella is floating away. I’ve got it, man, I have saved it from instant disintegration in this water. The boat, man, is completely under, and I am standing in it, man, in three feet