Read Online The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool by Wendy Northcutt - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
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first date with my future wife and the highly habit-forming, brain-altering substance we ingested at the dawn of the new millennium. The source was an enigmatic flowering plant found in the New World. The substance it produces is sublime. Yet we broke no drug laws. It was first used in a crude form thousands of years ago by Native Americans in what is now called Central America. The Aztecs called it xo-co-latl . But we know it today as chocolate.
Cretaceous dating:
Ji, Q., H. Li, L. M. Bowe, Y. Liu, and D. W. Taylor, 2004. Early Cretaceous Archaefructus eoflora sp. nov. with bisexual flowers from Beipiao, Western Liaoning, China. PDF (3.11 MiB). Acta Geologica Sinica. 78(4): 883–896.
Steven “DarkSyde” Andrew is a freelance science writer and contributing editor to the popular progressive weblog Daily Kos. He lives in Florida near the Kennedy Space Center with his wife, Mrs. “DS,” a dog named Darwin, and a cat named Kali.
CHAPTER 4
M EDICAL M ALADIES
Treatments, injections, bullet wounds, and such populate these eyewitness accounts from medical professionals present at the aftermath of astoundingly stupid decisions. Due to patient confidentiality, most are unconfirmed. But these stories are all plausible…and mind-bogglingly ludicrous!
Darwin Award: Not a Shred of Sense
Unconfirmed
The ambulance responded to a frantic call concerning a neighbor’s trip through an industrial tree shredder. It seems the individual had decided to prune his own trees rather than hire a professional. Why not? After all, the local shop rented shredders that could make quick work of yard debris, including tree limbs up to eight inches in diameter.
----
“To save time—those fateful words.”
----
To save time (those fateful words) the neighbor had placed the shredder at the base of a great oak tree, where he could drop branches directly into the hopper. He intended to cut off the top third of the oak, which had been killed by lightning.
With the shredder running wide open, the neighbor climbed his ladder to the first tree branch, stepped off the ladder, slipped—and fell. The paramedics found him very dead, half in and half out of the hopper, one leg shredded to the hip.
Not married, no kids, removed self from the gene pool.
Reference: Eyewitness account of an M.D. who practiced
emergency medicine for thirty years
Darwin Award: Stubbed Out
Confirmed True by Darwin
17 APRIL 2006, ENGLAND
There’s always someone who thinks good advice doesn’t apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that you are going to be covered with a flammable medical treatment, most people would take this advice on board and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed.
Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream could ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. However, Philip, sixty, knew better than his doctor. And he just had to have another cigarette.
Smoking was not permitted on the ward, but Philip took this setback in stride and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up…inhaled…and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. It was only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel, that things went downhill.
The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pajamas ignited. The resulting inferno “cremated” his skin condition and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment he died in intensive care.
Using the Darwin checklist (criteria outlined on Chapter 8):
Reproduction—he may already have children, but he won’t have more.
Excellence—this one I’ll remember!
Self-selection—he was warned that paraffin and smoking don’t mix.
Maturity—at sixty he was old enough.
Veracity—major UK news carriers covered the story.
This ticks all the boxes,
Cretaceous dating:
Ji, Q., H. Li, L. M. Bowe, Y. Liu, and D. W. Taylor, 2004. Early Cretaceous Archaefructus eoflora sp. nov. with bisexual flowers from Beipiao, Western Liaoning, China. PDF (3.11 MiB). Acta Geologica Sinica. 78(4): 883–896.
Steven “DarkSyde” Andrew is a freelance science writer and contributing editor to the popular progressive weblog Daily Kos. He lives in Florida near the Kennedy Space Center with his wife, Mrs. “DS,” a dog named Darwin, and a cat named Kali.
CHAPTER 4
M EDICAL M ALADIES
Treatments, injections, bullet wounds, and such populate these eyewitness accounts from medical professionals present at the aftermath of astoundingly stupid decisions. Due to patient confidentiality, most are unconfirmed. But these stories are all plausible…and mind-bogglingly ludicrous!
Darwin Award: Not a Shred of Sense
Unconfirmed
The ambulance responded to a frantic call concerning a neighbor’s trip through an industrial tree shredder. It seems the individual had decided to prune his own trees rather than hire a professional. Why not? After all, the local shop rented shredders that could make quick work of yard debris, including tree limbs up to eight inches in diameter.
----
“To save time—those fateful words.”
----
To save time (those fateful words) the neighbor had placed the shredder at the base of a great oak tree, where he could drop branches directly into the hopper. He intended to cut off the top third of the oak, which had been killed by lightning.
With the shredder running wide open, the neighbor climbed his ladder to the first tree branch, stepped off the ladder, slipped—and fell. The paramedics found him very dead, half in and half out of the hopper, one leg shredded to the hip.
Not married, no kids, removed self from the gene pool.
Reference: Eyewitness account of an M.D. who practiced
emergency medicine for thirty years
Darwin Award: Stubbed Out
Confirmed True by Darwin
17 APRIL 2006, ENGLAND
There’s always someone who thinks good advice doesn’t apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that you are going to be covered with a flammable medical treatment, most people would take this advice on board and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed.
Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream could ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. However, Philip, sixty, knew better than his doctor. And he just had to have another cigarette.
Smoking was not permitted on the ward, but Philip took this setback in stride and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up…inhaled…and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. It was only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel, that things went downhill.
The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pajamas ignited. The resulting inferno “cremated” his skin condition and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment he died in intensive care.
Using the Darwin checklist (criteria outlined on Chapter 8):
Reproduction—he may already have children, but he won’t have more.
Excellence—this one I’ll remember!
Self-selection—he was warned that paraffin and smoking don’t mix.
Maturity—at sixty he was old enough.
Veracity—major UK news carriers covered the story.
This ticks all the boxes,
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