Read Online The Darker Side of Pleasure by Eden Bradley - Free Book Online Page B

when was she going to think about it? Every time she started, she got to this point and had to stop. It was too much. Too much to think about and far too much to feel. That whole line of thought reeked of the horrendous self-pity she had sunk into right after she’d lost their baby.
    Too much, too much. Stop.
    She bit down on her lip, hard. She had to try to make this new beginning with Cam. They had to make this work. It was time to get her act together and begin to live again. For Cam. For herself.
    She wasn’t as certain about how to move beyond her doubts and fears when it came to the whole dominant/submissive thing. She couldn’t push the questions about whether or not this was normal out of her mind. She wasn’t ready to quit, necessarily. She just needed help getting her head around it.
    She fell asleep on the sofa, her eyes on the stars glimmering through the skylight, her thoughts a tangled mess of old despair and new hope.

 
     
    CHAPTER FIVE

    T HE A LVINA K RAMER SHOWING AT J ILLIAN’S gallery had consumed every moment of her attention for weeks. Alvina was a new artist, but she was already internationally known. The only reason the Leighton Gallery had even been able to get her was because she lived in Seattle. Her fame had gone to her head, unfortunately, and “La Kramer,” as the gallery folk had taken to calling her, was behaving in classic prima donna manner. She’d been driving Jillian and her staff crazy for over a month already.
    Finally the day arrived and Jillian was looking forward to having it over with. She spent the morning checking in with the caterers, having her staff make adjustments to the lighting. She wanted every detail to be perfect. Briana stuck by her side all afternoon, seeing that Jillian’s instructions were carried out by the staff. Finally, an hour before the opening, it was just the two of them in Jillian’s loft office. Jillian stood by her desk, running her gaze down the list on her clipboard.
    “I think everything is ready to go. Why don’t you take a breather before you change, Jillie?”
    “What? I’m fine. I want to get ready and do some last minute spot-checking.”
    “Everything is done. I’ve already checked everything myself. Maybe you should have a glass of wine.”
    Jillian looked up from the pile of notes on her desk. “Why? You know I never drink at these things.”
    “You just seem a little more…tense than usual.”
    Jillian sat back in her chair and exhaled a long breath. “Sorry, Bri. I’ve just had so much on my mind.”
    “I know this artist has been a real pain in the ass—”
    “No, it’s not that. I mean, that hasn’t been helping, believe me. I’m ready to throttle that woman. It’s just…me.”
    Briana sat down in the chair across from her. “What do you mean? What’s up? I thought things were great with you and Cam.”
    Jillian pushed her hair away from her face. “God, I don’t know, Bri. Everything was good, but suddenly I’m questioning it. I’m questioning everything. I mean, is what we’re doing really right?”
    “Why not? You’re two consenting adults. Nobody’s getting hurt. I don’t see the problem.”
    “It’s a lot more complicated than that.”
    “Then why don’t you tell me?”
    “I’m not sure I can.” She paused, trying to gather the thoughts that seemed to be whirling through her brain at a million miles an hour. “It’s like, life was good, you know? Everything was fine, and then I got pregnant.” She made herself stop there for a moment, not wanting to reveal the one secret she’d never admitted to anybody. She took a deep breath and tried again.
    “Then I lost the baby. And at five months I was showing and everyone knew. When I came back to work, everyone wanted to know what had happened, but nobody came up to me and asked. They just stared at me. Like they expected me to fall apart at any moment. What they didn’t know was that I was falling apart all the time on the inside. I lived