Read Online The Da-Da-De-Da-Da Code by Robert Rankin - Free Book Online Page A

dirt anyway,’ said Mr Giggles, ‘but it’s quite exciting dirt now. I wonder what is going to happen next.’
    ‘Switch off that television,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘If we see that lunatic in this park, I’ll give him the hiding of his life.’
    ‘It’s
him
!’ cried Ranger Hawtrey.
    And Jonny’s blood froze.
    ‘It’s who?’ asked Ranger Connor.
    ‘That loon,’ said Ranger Hawtrey. ‘The one who was in the pond the day before yesterday. The one you did the Electric Dragon move on.’
    Jonny Hooker slowly crossed his legs.
    ‘Damn me, you’re right,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘Of course, they carted him off to the Cottage Hospital. If I’d known he was a serial killer, I’d have given him the Dimac Death-Touch.’ *
    ‘It didn’t say on the news that he is a serial killer,’ said Jonny, keeping his cap on and his head down.
    ‘He probably will be by the end of the day,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘He’ll probably go on what the Yanks refer to as a Goddamn killing spree.’
    Ranger Hawtrey nodded enthusiastically ‘A nun-raping, child-slaying, cocaine-fuelled, coprophiliac—’
    ‘Eh?’ said Jonny.
    ‘Baby-strangling—’ said Ranger Hawtrey.
    ‘What?’
    ‘Puppy-buggering—’
    ‘Now stop it,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘You’ll get yourself feeling all unnecessary and I’ll have to throw a bucket of water over you.’
    ‘Hanging is too good for those types,’ said Ranger Hawtrey.
    ‘Did they bring back hanging?’ Jonny asked
    ‘I wrote to the Prime Minister, suggesting it,’ said Ranger Hawtrey.
    ‘I’m seeing a rather unexpected side to you here,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘Off with that television and let us get down to the job in hand today.’
    Ranger Hawtrey switched off the television.
    ‘Obviously we must be particularly vigilant today and on the lookout for this maniac. We will keep in constant radio contact with our walkie-talkies. And travel in pairs.’
    ‘But there’s only three of us,’ said Ranger Hawtrey.
    ‘Improvise, boy,’ said Ranger Connor.
    ‘I’m loving this,’ said Mr Giggles. ‘And these lads think that
you’re
a loon.’
    ‘We’d best tool up,’ said Ranger Hawtrey. ‘Electric truncheons are what we’ll need.’
    ‘And you know where we can acquire electric truncheons?’ asked Ranger Connor.
    ‘Actually, yes. I’ll make a call on my mobile.’
    ‘No, you will
not
.’ Ranger Connor waggled his teacup at the younger ranger. ‘
I
do not need tooling up because
I
am skilled in Dimac.
You
cannot legally carry a weapon.
Although
—’
    ‘Although?’ said Ranger Hawtrey.
    ‘It is something of a grey area, because we are on private property. You could actually carry a sword, if you wish, but not if you conceal it. Funny old thing, the law. Do you have any martial arts training, young Chicoteen?’
    ‘Me?’ Jonny, head-down, shook his head. ‘But if there is any trouble, I do know how to run.’
    ‘Hm,’ went Ranger Connor. ‘So, we travel in pairs, except for myself. You can carry a cudgel, Ranger Hawtrey.’
    ‘There are some very tasty swords in the museum,’ said Ranger Hawtrey. ‘I could commandeer one of those.’
    ‘A stick,’ said Ranger Connor.
    ‘
A stick
?’
    ‘A stout stick. But enough chitchat. It is time to get off on the morning round. Master Chicoteen, you will accompany Ranger Hawtrey – he’ll show you the drill today. Tomorrow I will find specific tasks to set you.’
    Jonny Hooker nodded ’neath his cap.
    ‘Right, then,’ said Ranger Connor. ‘Up and at it, lads. Up and at it.’
    Down shone the sun and it was a beautiful day.
    Jonny had never been in the park so early, and the trees and grass all dew-hung and glistening really rather moved him. When you are very ill, or very harassed, or both, you can truly see beauty in simple things. It’s something to do with their purity.
    Jonny Hooker sniffed at the air. ‘What a wonderful smell,’ said he.
    ‘Yeah,’ said Ranger Hawtrey. ‘It
is
good, isn’t it?