beyond the immediate goal: getting in. Now I was in and now I was going to have to
do
this thing, ballet, and not just think about the day I would do it. I realized I still wanted todream about the person I would become, not actually
be
her. I was worried that I would work hard and nothing would happen, that I was as good as I would ever be. I wasn’t sure I wanted to work hard anymore. I already felt kind of exhausted.
I blurted out to Marius that my sister would be auditioning the school and that he would want her too, she was amazing, she was
better
. I was then immediately embarrassed at my effusiveness and made a misguided attempt to pet Ludmilla, who nearly took my hand off.
“It’s my wife’s dog, actually,” Marius said. “She hates everybody.”
“Your wife hates everybody?” I said.
“No,” Marius started to explain, and then realized I was making a deliberate joke.
“Oh,” he said, surprised, and then he sealed what would become our eventual relationship. “That’s very funny. You’re a sharp girl.”
I walked out of Marius’s office and I didn’t cry or jump up and down or scream or anything. I walked across the park to Wendy Griston Hedges’s apartment and said to myself, “This is really happening,” and “This is the happiest moment of my life.” My movie audience applauded, but I didn’t curtsy. I was terrified. I wanted to run away, disappear, evaporate.
I called home and Gwen picked up.
“I got in,” I said. “I got a contract.”
And Gwen screamed and I could hear her jumping up and down.
“You’re the luckiest person alive,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “Totally lucky. I don’t actually deserve it.”
“No, you do!” Gwen squealed. “You totally do! I meant you’re lucky to be you! I want to be you!”
“Well, you’re going to come here, right,” I said. “So you will be me. You’ll be better than me.”
“Not better. Oh my god. It’s really happening. Okay, so, what do we do if I get in? Do you think your woman will let me stay at that place too? Or what? How do we do it?”
I thought of Gwen rambling around Wendy’s apartment, not interested in the books, thinking Wendy was “weird.” Grappling with the shower hose in the bathroom, skittering across Central Park by herself. All these things would be harder for her. She wouldn’t like it. Mara and I had talked about getting a place together. That would probably happen now that we both had gotten in. We were in. It was real.
“Do you think Mom and Dad would let you move in with Mara and me?” I asked. “We could get something for all three of us if you don’t mind not having your own bedroom.”
“Oh my god, Kate, that would be awesome. But anyway I want to hear everything Marius said. Start from the beginning. So you like, walked into the office …”
And she soaked up every word and told me how I was her hero and the most amazing dancer in the world and that she knew I was scared but I shouldn’t be because I had nothing to be scared of, I could do it. “Don’t be scared,” she said. And that she knew this about me—knew that I was scared even though I had never told her anything like that—made me genuinely want her with me in New York. Made me stop wanting to disappear. Made me see my own place more clearly, defined in relation to her place. Made me coach her like a nervous stagemother when she came that summer to audition for the company school. Made me lie to Mara and tell her that my parents insisted on my living with my sister so that Mara would agree to all three of us getting a place. Made me make a highly articulate and sensible case for this to our parents.
I remember watching her audition through the mirrors of the studio and feeling incredibly proud. She was still sweating when they pulled her into the office and offered her a full scholarship. When she came out we hugged each other’s thin shoulders hard, and pressed our cheeks together before letting
do
this thing, ballet, and not just think about the day I would do it. I realized I still wanted todream about the person I would become, not actually
be
her. I was worried that I would work hard and nothing would happen, that I was as good as I would ever be. I wasn’t sure I wanted to work hard anymore. I already felt kind of exhausted.
I blurted out to Marius that my sister would be auditioning the school and that he would want her too, she was amazing, she was
better
. I was then immediately embarrassed at my effusiveness and made a misguided attempt to pet Ludmilla, who nearly took my hand off.
“It’s my wife’s dog, actually,” Marius said. “She hates everybody.”
“Your wife hates everybody?” I said.
“No,” Marius started to explain, and then realized I was making a deliberate joke.
“Oh,” he said, surprised, and then he sealed what would become our eventual relationship. “That’s very funny. You’re a sharp girl.”
I walked out of Marius’s office and I didn’t cry or jump up and down or scream or anything. I walked across the park to Wendy Griston Hedges’s apartment and said to myself, “This is really happening,” and “This is the happiest moment of my life.” My movie audience applauded, but I didn’t curtsy. I was terrified. I wanted to run away, disappear, evaporate.
I called home and Gwen picked up.
“I got in,” I said. “I got a contract.”
And Gwen screamed and I could hear her jumping up and down.
“You’re the luckiest person alive,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “Totally lucky. I don’t actually deserve it.”
“No, you do!” Gwen squealed. “You totally do! I meant you’re lucky to be you! I want to be you!”
“Well, you’re going to come here, right,” I said. “So you will be me. You’ll be better than me.”
“Not better. Oh my god. It’s really happening. Okay, so, what do we do if I get in? Do you think your woman will let me stay at that place too? Or what? How do we do it?”
I thought of Gwen rambling around Wendy’s apartment, not interested in the books, thinking Wendy was “weird.” Grappling with the shower hose in the bathroom, skittering across Central Park by herself. All these things would be harder for her. She wouldn’t like it. Mara and I had talked about getting a place together. That would probably happen now that we both had gotten in. We were in. It was real.
“Do you think Mom and Dad would let you move in with Mara and me?” I asked. “We could get something for all three of us if you don’t mind not having your own bedroom.”
“Oh my god, Kate, that would be awesome. But anyway I want to hear everything Marius said. Start from the beginning. So you like, walked into the office …”
And she soaked up every word and told me how I was her hero and the most amazing dancer in the world and that she knew I was scared but I shouldn’t be because I had nothing to be scared of, I could do it. “Don’t be scared,” she said. And that she knew this about me—knew that I was scared even though I had never told her anything like that—made me genuinely want her with me in New York. Made me stop wanting to disappear. Made me see my own place more clearly, defined in relation to her place. Made me coach her like a nervous stagemother when she came that summer to audition for the company school. Made me lie to Mara and tell her that my parents insisted on my living with my sister so that Mara would agree to all three of us getting a place. Made me make a highly articulate and sensible case for this to our parents.
I remember watching her audition through the mirrors of the studio and feeling incredibly proud. She was still sweating when they pulled her into the office and offered her a full scholarship. When she came out we hugged each other’s thin shoulders hard, and pressed our cheeks together before letting
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