Read Online The Cowboy Bible and Other Stories by Carlos Velázquez - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Carlos Velázquez
Tags: spanish, Fiction, Mexico, Crime, Short Stories, Literary Fiction, Short Fiction, mexican fiction, drug war, Border, Carlos Velazquez, Narcos, Mexican books, English translation, Stories about Mexico, Surreal, Latin American literature, Mexican music, Mexican literature, Mexican pop culture
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Juárez market bathrooms.
For the contest, they brought in two of the hairiest pubises in all of history: those of Tongolele and María Victoria (the one who sings really slowly… really, really slowly). The solos began. For eight minutes of strenuous improvisation, not a hair was seen on the blades. It was only when the music began to play, indicating that the participants had gone over time and it was time to go to commercial, that the competitors stopped. The jury’s decision was this:
The Cowgirl Bible’s performance is well structured, and keeps an adequate razor beat as it subscribes to an innovative meta-language. It’s a modern approach, and without skimping on its virtues, bold.
When shaving, Steve Vai connected with a stale tradition and was able to liven it up. The rich razor mix keeps his score up. There’s no need to divorce the anethaeum of the carpa .
And that, my dear friends, was the last time anyone laid eyes on The Cowgirl Bible Parker. That was just a few minutes ago, since the final duel with Steve Vai was recorded on a cellphone and uploaded to YouTube. We don’t know what happened next. The video cuts off. There’s a crazy theory that it was all a setup, that The Cowgirl Bible isn’t dead. That she faked her own death because she’d had it up to here with so much fame. Some loyal fans swear they’ve seen her buying fried chicken at several Henry’s franchises. Others are sure she’s living in India and using an English colonizer name. It doesn’t matter. We have The Cowgirl Bible on YouTube, to watch as often as we desire.
In a little while, when the battle against global warming is lost, it will only be possible to watch the real Cowgirl Bible on YouTube. The devil will only be invoked through the worldwide web. If you want to keep her life from ending, just send a donation to 1-800-YouTube. With your contribution, we can guarantee that, even if it’s just on a screen, the real Cowgirl Bible will go on and on thanks to the internet.
For more information, search for the guitar duel with Steve Vai on YouTube.
* Kevin Ayers, who was in the audience, remembers with certain incredulity: All the stars were there and I heard all the important terms, like, you know, shit, Jesus, damn, and other, worse words.
† Unfinished Ballet in Two Tableau: 1. Ritual Dance of Child-Killer. Il Nullis Petti ( no commercial potential) is what freaks sound like when you turn them loose in a recording studio at one o’clock in the morning with five hundred dollars’ worth of rented percussion equipment. A bright snappy number. Hotcha!
‡ Please note that the Devil is sometimes in lower case and other times in upper case. The reason is that sometimes there isn’t enough respect to hit the upper case (a tardy infomercial from the intratranslator).
Neither Fiction nor Non-fiction
The Post-Norteño Condition
I was born norteño to the extreme.
Cuco Sánchez
1
And:
—My boots.
—Huh?
—Have you seen my lice-skin boots, my dear? You remember that pair, right?
—Yes.
—Yes, what?
—Oh, Paulino, you’ve lost it. Those were Cowboy Bible boots. You’ve never had lice-skin boots.
—Those very ones. Find them for me. I wanna strap ’em on.
—You wore them out. Don’t you remember? You wouldn’t take them off, not even to climb the mezquite tree.
—It’s just that those were real boots and not these thankless stilts that make each step such a misfortune.
—Take them off. They’re just a burden. Let your feet air out.
—Later. How else am I gonna walk out of here?
—Put on some other ones.
—Which ones?
—You’re like a woman. You have a closet full of boxes of boots but you can’t make up your mind. Don’t you have a pair that’ll go with your pants?
—Well, it’s just that all those mules are just as lame as these.
—Try some new ones. Open up a box and even if they’re a little rough at first, you can break them in.
—No, it’s better if I just buy a
For the contest, they brought in two of the hairiest pubises in all of history: those of Tongolele and María Victoria (the one who sings really slowly… really, really slowly). The solos began. For eight minutes of strenuous improvisation, not a hair was seen on the blades. It was only when the music began to play, indicating that the participants had gone over time and it was time to go to commercial, that the competitors stopped. The jury’s decision was this:
The Cowgirl Bible’s performance is well structured, and keeps an adequate razor beat as it subscribes to an innovative meta-language. It’s a modern approach, and without skimping on its virtues, bold.
When shaving, Steve Vai connected with a stale tradition and was able to liven it up. The rich razor mix keeps his score up. There’s no need to divorce the anethaeum of the carpa .
And that, my dear friends, was the last time anyone laid eyes on The Cowgirl Bible Parker. That was just a few minutes ago, since the final duel with Steve Vai was recorded on a cellphone and uploaded to YouTube. We don’t know what happened next. The video cuts off. There’s a crazy theory that it was all a setup, that The Cowgirl Bible isn’t dead. That she faked her own death because she’d had it up to here with so much fame. Some loyal fans swear they’ve seen her buying fried chicken at several Henry’s franchises. Others are sure she’s living in India and using an English colonizer name. It doesn’t matter. We have The Cowgirl Bible on YouTube, to watch as often as we desire.
In a little while, when the battle against global warming is lost, it will only be possible to watch the real Cowgirl Bible on YouTube. The devil will only be invoked through the worldwide web. If you want to keep her life from ending, just send a donation to 1-800-YouTube. With your contribution, we can guarantee that, even if it’s just on a screen, the real Cowgirl Bible will go on and on thanks to the internet.
For more information, search for the guitar duel with Steve Vai on YouTube.
* Kevin Ayers, who was in the audience, remembers with certain incredulity: All the stars were there and I heard all the important terms, like, you know, shit, Jesus, damn, and other, worse words.
† Unfinished Ballet in Two Tableau: 1. Ritual Dance of Child-Killer. Il Nullis Petti ( no commercial potential) is what freaks sound like when you turn them loose in a recording studio at one o’clock in the morning with five hundred dollars’ worth of rented percussion equipment. A bright snappy number. Hotcha!
‡ Please note that the Devil is sometimes in lower case and other times in upper case. The reason is that sometimes there isn’t enough respect to hit the upper case (a tardy infomercial from the intratranslator).
Neither Fiction nor Non-fiction
The Post-Norteño Condition
I was born norteño to the extreme.
Cuco Sánchez
1
And:
—My boots.
—Huh?
—Have you seen my lice-skin boots, my dear? You remember that pair, right?
—Yes.
—Yes, what?
—Oh, Paulino, you’ve lost it. Those were Cowboy Bible boots. You’ve never had lice-skin boots.
—Those very ones. Find them for me. I wanna strap ’em on.
—You wore them out. Don’t you remember? You wouldn’t take them off, not even to climb the mezquite tree.
—It’s just that those were real boots and not these thankless stilts that make each step such a misfortune.
—Take them off. They’re just a burden. Let your feet air out.
—Later. How else am I gonna walk out of here?
—Put on some other ones.
—Which ones?
—You’re like a woman. You have a closet full of boxes of boots but you can’t make up your mind. Don’t you have a pair that’ll go with your pants?
—Well, it’s just that all those mules are just as lame as these.
—Try some new ones. Open up a box and even if they’re a little rough at first, you can break them in.
—No, it’s better if I just buy a
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