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Authors: Emily Hemmer
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have bad taste in men. I suppose I have Luanne to thank for informing my mother about Tim and me. I’d be upset with her for spilling the beans but in all honesty, I’d rather Luanne take the first offensive than endure it myself. “Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’m guessing you spoke with Lu?”
“Oh, honey, yes, and she told me everything. What I can’t believe is that he’d have the nerve to cheat on you with your own neighbor. Does community mean nothing anymore?”
Deep breath, Ellie. She loves you, remember that.
“Yeah, well, Mama, I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
“Of course you don’t. Consider my lips sealed on the subject of T-I-M from this moment forward. Now, Luanne tells me you may have your eye on a new man. Some sexy motorcycle hunk, is that right? Because you know what I say, Ellie, men on motorcycles are B-A-D news.”
Luanne is dangerously close to becoming a voodoo doll.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mama. I don’t have my eye on anyone nor am I looking to have my eye on anyone. I think I’m going to try being alone for a while.”
“Oh, well, honey, that’s no good either,” she says, her tone shifting from abject criticism to sweet encouragement in a heartbeat. “You are a young, beautiful, smart woman. You can’t let T-I-M get under your skin and give up on finding someone. Your white knight is out there, baby. You’ve just had to kiss a few frogs on the way.”
I take in a deep breath, forcing down that stubborn lump in my throat. “I don’t know, Mama, maybe they’re all frogs. And anyway, who says I can’t be single and happy, like you are?”
“Oh, Eleanor, honey, I love you to bits, you know that, but I’d be lyin ’ if I said eating alone every night was feeding my soul. Fortunately, it’s not something I have to worry about any more.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…”
“Oh my God, did you meet someone, Mama?”
“Yes! Oh baby, I’ve met the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. His name is Vernon Calvert. I met him when my dentist referred me to his office to get fitted for a crown on my eye tooth. You know the one; it was shorter than the other teeth on account of I tripped over that taxidermy armadillo in the garage and broke off part of my tooth. Well, there I was, gassed to high heaven and waiting for the molding to harden, when this dreamboat walks into the room and says, ‘Ms. O’Keefe, you have the prettiest bicuspids I have ever had the pleasure of x-raying. ’ My goodness, Ellie, I think I fell in love with him that very moment!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. My mother, who’s lectured me my entire life to be wary of men and not to give away my heart too quickly, has fallen head-over-heels for a man who picked her up using dental terminology?
“W-wow,” I stutter, “that sounds…wow. How long have you been seeing him?”
“We’ve been pretty hot and heavy for about six weeks now. I wanted to tell you sooner but it’s just so exciting and, really, it’s been a whirlwind romance. Oh, Ellie, honey, we’re getting married in three weeks.”
Okay, this is what going insane must feel like. I shake my head to clear away the daydream I must be stuck in and offer my mother a rather eloquent and poignant, “Huh?”
“I know it seems soon, but what can I say? I’m in love.” I can hear her smile all the way from Scottsdale. My mama, scum-magnet turned bachelorette extraordinaire, has fallen in love. I should feel happy for her but instead I feel…let down. She’s my mom and she’s fifty-two years old. What right does she have to fall in love like some school girl when I can’t find a single decent guy to date?
“That’s great, Mama. Really, I mean, that sounds real, real good.”
I can hear my mom’s smile drop on the other end of the line. She sighs softly and for once in her life, she seems reluctant to fill the silence in the conversation.
“Ellie, I’m
“Oh, honey, yes, and she told me everything. What I can’t believe is that he’d have the nerve to cheat on you with your own neighbor. Does community mean nothing anymore?”
Deep breath, Ellie. She loves you, remember that.
“Yeah, well, Mama, I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
“Of course you don’t. Consider my lips sealed on the subject of T-I-M from this moment forward. Now, Luanne tells me you may have your eye on a new man. Some sexy motorcycle hunk, is that right? Because you know what I say, Ellie, men on motorcycles are B-A-D news.”
Luanne is dangerously close to becoming a voodoo doll.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mama. I don’t have my eye on anyone nor am I looking to have my eye on anyone. I think I’m going to try being alone for a while.”
“Oh, well, honey, that’s no good either,” she says, her tone shifting from abject criticism to sweet encouragement in a heartbeat. “You are a young, beautiful, smart woman. You can’t let T-I-M get under your skin and give up on finding someone. Your white knight is out there, baby. You’ve just had to kiss a few frogs on the way.”
I take in a deep breath, forcing down that stubborn lump in my throat. “I don’t know, Mama, maybe they’re all frogs. And anyway, who says I can’t be single and happy, like you are?”
“Oh, Eleanor, honey, I love you to bits, you know that, but I’d be lyin ’ if I said eating alone every night was feeding my soul. Fortunately, it’s not something I have to worry about any more.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…”
“Oh my God, did you meet someone, Mama?”
“Yes! Oh baby, I’ve met the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. His name is Vernon Calvert. I met him when my dentist referred me to his office to get fitted for a crown on my eye tooth. You know the one; it was shorter than the other teeth on account of I tripped over that taxidermy armadillo in the garage and broke off part of my tooth. Well, there I was, gassed to high heaven and waiting for the molding to harden, when this dreamboat walks into the room and says, ‘Ms. O’Keefe, you have the prettiest bicuspids I have ever had the pleasure of x-raying. ’ My goodness, Ellie, I think I fell in love with him that very moment!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. My mother, who’s lectured me my entire life to be wary of men and not to give away my heart too quickly, has fallen head-over-heels for a man who picked her up using dental terminology?
“W-wow,” I stutter, “that sounds…wow. How long have you been seeing him?”
“We’ve been pretty hot and heavy for about six weeks now. I wanted to tell you sooner but it’s just so exciting and, really, it’s been a whirlwind romance. Oh, Ellie, honey, we’re getting married in three weeks.”
Okay, this is what going insane must feel like. I shake my head to clear away the daydream I must be stuck in and offer my mother a rather eloquent and poignant, “Huh?”
“I know it seems soon, but what can I say? I’m in love.” I can hear her smile all the way from Scottsdale. My mama, scum-magnet turned bachelorette extraordinaire, has fallen in love. I should feel happy for her but instead I feel…let down. She’s my mom and she’s fifty-two years old. What right does she have to fall in love like some school girl when I can’t find a single decent guy to date?
“That’s great, Mama. Really, I mean, that sounds real, real good.”
I can hear my mom’s smile drop on the other end of the line. She sighs softly and for once in her life, she seems reluctant to fill the silence in the conversation.
“Ellie, I’m
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