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Authors: Stephen Dau
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code, a special language known only to them.
43
Paul has read an article, and is struck by the coincidence.
Jonas does not want to talk about it.
He was called Christopher.
“That’s amazing, don’t you think?” says Paul.
Jonas says nothing.
They know only that he was involved. He was called Christopher. And now Paul has read a story in the newspaper. He was from a town not too far away. His mother still lives there.
Jonas looks out the window.
They know he went off to war and that he did not come back. He did not, as they say, make it. But he was there, and he was involved, and maybe, just maybe, says Paul, that is something.
44
The first time Shakri asks him up to her apartment, it is all he can do to keep from bounding up the stairs ahead of her. They have been seeing each other for more than a month, and her sudden forwardness surprises him.
They kiss as she searches for her keys, kiss as she opens the door, kiss as she does not turn on the light. It is as though she has made up her mind. They fumble around over their clothes, awkwardly at first, as though learning the intricacies of sign language, but then with increased fluency, and then one of them suddenly learns how to undo a button, and it is all downhill from there.
45
Occasionally he is asked: Why America?
Sometimes he gives the long answer. Sometimes he says the question asks him, he feels, a larger question, asks him to place his experience in a global context. Secretly he enjoys this, likes being thought of as part of a movement, although he would never openly admit to this. Instead, he says that he had nothing, and that they came to him and offered him a choice.
Sometimes he mentions the Pakistanis and Indians livinggenerations deep in Bradford and Manchester, or the Congolese in Brussels, or Algerians and Moroccans in Paris, or Vietnamese throughout California. He has read about them, studied them in school, and even though he feels more alone than he imagines any of these other people must feel, secure as they are in their mobile communities, he tries to place his experience into the frame of these movements, into the complex relationship between victor and vanquished, colonizer and colonized.
A
diaspora
. A sociology professor first used that word to describe him, and he likes it, although he is careful not to reveal the satisfaction he derives from it. He practices using the word casually, in conversation. Diaspora. “As a member of the global diaspora, I feel…” And then he is off, propelled by the authority of membership. He likes how it sounds, but mostly he likes the word because of its hints of mystery and power, its implication of choice, all of which are entirely removed when the word “refugee” is used.
Sometimes, though, he doesn’t give the long answer. Sometimes he gives the short one. Why America? Because he had a choice. The same choice we always have. Stay or go.
And, given the choice, he went.
46
But the thing is, in all that time, I don’t really remember making a decision. I don’t remember saying to myself, “Yes, I will do this,” or,“No, I will not do that.” They tell you what to do, and you do it. You don’t reflect on it. You don’t ponder its meaning. You don’t explore its ambiguities or consider its consequences. These burdens are removed from you. In theory, these burdens are removed from you.
But you are still human. Eventually, you do reflect on it. The consequences make themselves known. The results of your actions persist. Eventually, you are struck by their meaning. At some point, an accounting is made. Eventually, if you are human, and sane, you examine what you have done.
47
Together, Jonas and Shakri go to movies, to clubs, to parties at the homes of friends and acquaintances. They are seen walking hand in hand across the cathedral lawn after dinner. In public, they are reserved, formal, but they devour each other with their glances. Sinhal claims to have seen them kissing, but is
43
Paul has read an article, and is struck by the coincidence.
Jonas does not want to talk about it.
He was called Christopher.
“That’s amazing, don’t you think?” says Paul.
Jonas says nothing.
They know only that he was involved. He was called Christopher. And now Paul has read a story in the newspaper. He was from a town not too far away. His mother still lives there.
Jonas looks out the window.
They know he went off to war and that he did not come back. He did not, as they say, make it. But he was there, and he was involved, and maybe, just maybe, says Paul, that is something.
44
The first time Shakri asks him up to her apartment, it is all he can do to keep from bounding up the stairs ahead of her. They have been seeing each other for more than a month, and her sudden forwardness surprises him.
They kiss as she searches for her keys, kiss as she opens the door, kiss as she does not turn on the light. It is as though she has made up her mind. They fumble around over their clothes, awkwardly at first, as though learning the intricacies of sign language, but then with increased fluency, and then one of them suddenly learns how to undo a button, and it is all downhill from there.
45
Occasionally he is asked: Why America?
Sometimes he gives the long answer. Sometimes he says the question asks him, he feels, a larger question, asks him to place his experience in a global context. Secretly he enjoys this, likes being thought of as part of a movement, although he would never openly admit to this. Instead, he says that he had nothing, and that they came to him and offered him a choice.
Sometimes he mentions the Pakistanis and Indians livinggenerations deep in Bradford and Manchester, or the Congolese in Brussels, or Algerians and Moroccans in Paris, or Vietnamese throughout California. He has read about them, studied them in school, and even though he feels more alone than he imagines any of these other people must feel, secure as they are in their mobile communities, he tries to place his experience into the frame of these movements, into the complex relationship between victor and vanquished, colonizer and colonized.
A
diaspora
. A sociology professor first used that word to describe him, and he likes it, although he is careful not to reveal the satisfaction he derives from it. He practices using the word casually, in conversation. Diaspora. “As a member of the global diaspora, I feel…” And then he is off, propelled by the authority of membership. He likes how it sounds, but mostly he likes the word because of its hints of mystery and power, its implication of choice, all of which are entirely removed when the word “refugee” is used.
Sometimes, though, he doesn’t give the long answer. Sometimes he gives the short one. Why America? Because he had a choice. The same choice we always have. Stay or go.
And, given the choice, he went.
46
But the thing is, in all that time, I don’t really remember making a decision. I don’t remember saying to myself, “Yes, I will do this,” or,“No, I will not do that.” They tell you what to do, and you do it. You don’t reflect on it. You don’t ponder its meaning. You don’t explore its ambiguities or consider its consequences. These burdens are removed from you. In theory, these burdens are removed from you.
But you are still human. Eventually, you do reflect on it. The consequences make themselves known. The results of your actions persist. Eventually, you are struck by their meaning. At some point, an accounting is made. Eventually, if you are human, and sane, you examine what you have done.
47
Together, Jonas and Shakri go to movies, to clubs, to parties at the homes of friends and acquaintances. They are seen walking hand in hand across the cathedral lawn after dinner. In public, they are reserved, formal, but they devour each other with their glances. Sinhal claims to have seen them kissing, but is
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