barely here right now.’
‘Err…okay…’ I
replied.
‘Cool. For
now, I’m Fred. Freddy if you’re feeling particularly jovial.
Johnny’s upstairs, somewhere, but you’ve no hope of getting
anything coherent out of him.’
‘Okay, thanks,
I’m-’
‘Tell me
later,’ he cut in. ‘I’ll only forget it, state I’m in right now,
and that will just result in an embarrassing moment for the both of
us.’
He looked down
at Charlie.
‘Another
embarassing moment, anyway.’
‘Pleasure to
meet you,’ he said to my parents. ‘Hopefully, the next time we
meet, you’ll be able to say the same about me.’ He then grinned, as
if to add: ‘I want to go back to bed now,’ and returned to the
living room.
I turned to my
parents.
‘It’ll
probably be easier for us to part ways here, won’t it?’ I said. My
mum nodded.
After the
formalities, I dragged my bag over Charlie, who was now asleep
again, up the stairs onto the landing, and called Johnny’s name. No
answer came back.
‘Erm, Johnny?
I repeated, slightly louder.
‘ Yeerrrreuuugggh!!’ Johnny replied, from behind the bathroom
door. His shout was quickly followed by the sound of half-digested
kebab and stomach acid splattering against porcelain. I decided
that I should follow Fred’s advice, and leave my introductions
until a bit later in the afternoon. When I got into my room, I sat
on the bare mattress and pulled my phone out.
This is
going to be an interesting year , I typed, sticking a couple of
kisses on the end, and sent it to Liz.
SCENE IV
FEMME FATALE
There’s a
knife poking through the crack in the door, jiggling against the
flimsy lock. This can only mean one thing, and that one thing
doesn’t bode well for me: Charlie is trying to break into the
bathroom while I’m in the shower.
‘No!’ I
command, as though he’ll pay the slightest bit of attention.
‘Sorry man,
it’s gotta be done; I’m meant to be going to do sound-check in
about, ooo…twenty minutes ago,’ he calls through the door.
Ching! goes the lock as it opens. Charlie’s methods of breaking and
entering have become more sophisticated since his days of reaching
through letterboxes. I put the shower on its loudest setting,
hoping that this will drown out the sound of him going about his
disgusting business, but the splash of turd hitting toilet water
still cuts through the whining of the nozzle, and the smell of his
rancid bum-crack intermingles with the warm haze of the steam.
‘God I hate
you, sometimes,’ I shout at the figure silhouetted by the shower
curtain.
‘I’m just
trying to spend more time with you,’ he replies. ‘Oop. There’s
another bit,’ he adds, mostly to himself. I gag.
My phone
starts vibrating in the pocket of my jeans, which are hanging up on
the radiator.
‘Don’t you
dare answer -’
Beep.
‘Hey Liz;
how’s it going?’ Charlie says, in a proud and happy voice. ‘Yeah,
he’s at the other end of the tub. Can he call you back? He’s
underwater at the moment…Yeah, no problem, I’ll tell him.’
Beep.
‘Liz says
she’ll be round in half an hour,’ he tells me. ‘She’s also slightly
concerned by the fact that we’re in the bath together, but I think
what you need to be concerned about is that at no point did
it occur to her that I might have been lying.’
‘Why are you
so desperate to convince my girlfriend that the two of us are
having an affair?’ I ask.
‘It gives my
ego a boost that she actually considers me a threat.’
I sigh.
‘Well I hope
it was worth it, because I’m definitely not sacking her off to come
to your gig, now.’
‘I’d find that
more believable if you weren’t making sure you’re ready to go out
the second you’ve scarfed down your dinner,’ he returns. ‘Now, if
you don’t mind, I’ve got to go make sure Sid hasn’t drunk and
snorted away his already pretty meagre talents on guitar. I’ll see
you in a couple of hours.’
‘At least open
the window and spray
‘Err…okay…’ I
replied.
‘Cool. For
now, I’m Fred. Freddy if you’re feeling particularly jovial.
Johnny’s upstairs, somewhere, but you’ve no hope of getting
anything coherent out of him.’
‘Okay, thanks,
I’m-’
‘Tell me
later,’ he cut in. ‘I’ll only forget it, state I’m in right now,
and that will just result in an embarrassing moment for the both of
us.’
He looked down
at Charlie.
‘Another
embarassing moment, anyway.’
‘Pleasure to
meet you,’ he said to my parents. ‘Hopefully, the next time we
meet, you’ll be able to say the same about me.’ He then grinned, as
if to add: ‘I want to go back to bed now,’ and returned to the
living room.
I turned to my
parents.
‘It’ll
probably be easier for us to part ways here, won’t it?’ I said. My
mum nodded.
After the
formalities, I dragged my bag over Charlie, who was now asleep
again, up the stairs onto the landing, and called Johnny’s name. No
answer came back.
‘Erm, Johnny?
I repeated, slightly louder.
‘ Yeerrrreuuugggh!!’ Johnny replied, from behind the bathroom
door. His shout was quickly followed by the sound of half-digested
kebab and stomach acid splattering against porcelain. I decided
that I should follow Fred’s advice, and leave my introductions
until a bit later in the afternoon. When I got into my room, I sat
on the bare mattress and pulled my phone out.
This is
going to be an interesting year , I typed, sticking a couple of
kisses on the end, and sent it to Liz.
SCENE IV
FEMME FATALE
There’s a
knife poking through the crack in the door, jiggling against the
flimsy lock. This can only mean one thing, and that one thing
doesn’t bode well for me: Charlie is trying to break into the
bathroom while I’m in the shower.
‘No!’ I
command, as though he’ll pay the slightest bit of attention.
‘Sorry man,
it’s gotta be done; I’m meant to be going to do sound-check in
about, ooo…twenty minutes ago,’ he calls through the door.
Ching! goes the lock as it opens. Charlie’s methods of breaking and
entering have become more sophisticated since his days of reaching
through letterboxes. I put the shower on its loudest setting,
hoping that this will drown out the sound of him going about his
disgusting business, but the splash of turd hitting toilet water
still cuts through the whining of the nozzle, and the smell of his
rancid bum-crack intermingles with the warm haze of the steam.
‘God I hate
you, sometimes,’ I shout at the figure silhouetted by the shower
curtain.
‘I’m just
trying to spend more time with you,’ he replies. ‘Oop. There’s
another bit,’ he adds, mostly to himself. I gag.
My phone
starts vibrating in the pocket of my jeans, which are hanging up on
the radiator.
‘Don’t you
dare answer -’
Beep.
‘Hey Liz;
how’s it going?’ Charlie says, in a proud and happy voice. ‘Yeah,
he’s at the other end of the tub. Can he call you back? He’s
underwater at the moment…Yeah, no problem, I’ll tell him.’
Beep.
‘Liz says
she’ll be round in half an hour,’ he tells me. ‘She’s also slightly
concerned by the fact that we’re in the bath together, but I think
what you need to be concerned about is that at no point did
it occur to her that I might have been lying.’
‘Why are you
so desperate to convince my girlfriend that the two of us are
having an affair?’ I ask.
‘It gives my
ego a boost that she actually considers me a threat.’
I sigh.
‘Well I hope
it was worth it, because I’m definitely not sacking her off to come
to your gig, now.’
‘I’d find that
more believable if you weren’t making sure you’re ready to go out
the second you’ve scarfed down your dinner,’ he returns. ‘Now, if
you don’t mind, I’ve got to go make sure Sid hasn’t drunk and
snorted away his already pretty meagre talents on guitar. I’ll see
you in a couple of hours.’
‘At least open
the window and spray
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