The Average American Marriage

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Authors: Chad Kultgen
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what it’s about, man. I saw you the other night. As much as you didn’t want to fucking admit it, you were into those chicks flirting with us. I know you, man. Maybe you have some kids now, but there’s the heart of a hunter in there, motherfucker,” he says, hitting my chest with the flat of his hand.
    I say, “Those chicks wouldn’t have fucked me.”
    Todd says, “Yeah, that one would have. Fuck her, though. You got any skanks at work or anything who are game? I know there’s got to be some hot piece of ass running around that place who you just want to fucking gut like a fish.”
    I say, “There’s a new intern.”
    Todd laughs and says, “There’s that fucking hunter, strapping on his bow and arrow.”
    I say, “It’s stupid. I’m sure she’s not interested. And even if she was, I can’t fucking cheat on my wife.”
    He says, “Why not? Who gives a fuck? Dude, listen up. My fucking dad told me this.” I look at him quizzically. “You remember a few years back when he was really sick and shit and I had to go back home and take care of him and do the funeral and all that shit?”
    I say, “Yeah,” as the fat stripper rakes up her bills like leaves and a new stripper named Raven takes the stage. Raven is actually hot. Petite, pale, blue eyes, black hair. She has a tattoo on her ribcage in Latin: AUDACES FORTUNA IUVAT . She comes over to Todd and me at once. I assume it’s because she saw us handing out bills to her fat friend. She spreads her legs to reveal a perfect pussy and asshole. I say to Todd, “Yeah, I remember.”
    Raven leans toward me and grazes my face with her perfect, hard, early-twenties tits. She smells like candy. Todd says, “Well, there were a few minutes on his last day when it was just me and him in his hospital room.”
    Raven whispers in my ear, “Hey, cutie.” I can feel a hard-on starting.
    Todd says, “My mom was out getting food or some shit and my sister was shitting or some shit. My dad fucking told me some shit.” Raven turns around and spreads her perfect ass. Todd says, “He started his little speech off by saying some bitch’s name. He was like, ‘Maria Reynaldi.’ And I was like, ‘Who in the hell is that, Dad?’ I thought he was having dementia or something, right?”
    Raven licks her own left nipple, looks at me, then smiles.
    Todd says, “So he told me Maria Reynaldi was some bitch he had the chance to bang at some company Christmas party or some shit, but it would have meant cheating on my mom so he didn’t fucking do it. He said that when you’re on your fucking deathbed, like he actually fucking was—I mean, he literally died like less than a day after telling me this—he said, you don’t give a fuck that your family is there. They don’t stop the fact that you’re dying. And he also said that the only thing you think about is fucking one last time, which you know you can’t do. So you start thinking back over your life in terms of fucking—not about seeing your kid win some good-attendance award, not about the shit you did in your career, not even about shit like your wedding day or the day your kids were born, just about the fucking you did. And he said, you don’t look back happily at the chicks you actually did fuck. He said, you’re tormented by the ones you know you could have fucked but didn’t because you were married or you didn’t have the balls or whatever the reason might have been. He told me to fuck as many chicks as I could before I died no matter what. Even if I was married, had a girlfriend, or whatever, he made it real fucking clear that I should take every opportunity I could to fuck, so that the last thing that flashes through my brain before I die won’t be some skank who got away like Maria fucking Reynaldi.”
    Raven’s song ends.

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