Read Online The Autograph Hound by John Lahr - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: John Lahr
Tags: General Fiction
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the gun, three shots in the dead center of the scum-sucking pig. A meter at the foot of the gunman lights upâQUICK DRAW. I pay another quarter and pull the gun far to the side. The gunman doesnât even see me. I fire a second round of hot lead into Garciaâone for Tina, one for Zambrozzi, and the last for me. He squirms. âAaaaargh!â Self-defense.
Iâm ready for the Cock Shop.
I only go into the back room when Iâm feeling strong. The peep showâs right next door. From where Iâm standing, I can hear the whispers: âOoooh. Ooooh. Thatâs good. Deeper.â I never watch. It makes me sick.
I try not to look at the glass case filled with plastic cocks, but Iâm a sucker for scientific breakthroughs. I canât get them out of my mind. âDouble Dong Lesbian Typeâ looks like a majoretteâs baton with rubber nobs at both ends. âSmooth Sleeveâ is an ice-cream cone, tan and rough. âThe Thrillerâ is as pink and spiny as Momâs haircurlers. Itâd make a good backscratcher. All of these have âhalters,â according to the sign. Imagine wearing them! Bumping into people. Getting caught in revolving doors. You couldnât put your pants on.
Is this the normal size? Maybe for athletes. They eat special food. They have trainers.
When I take my bath, I sometimes look at myself and think of the Cock Shop. Now and then, when Iâm running after a big signature, I can feel it coming back into Cock Shop shape. âGuaranteed dependable,â they sayâI canât count on mine. Maybe itâs because of the time I lifted the chopping block at The Homestead, and strained something down there. Or maybe itâs because of Prudence âThe Pigâ Grasso from Trade School.
They made me take her out. They gave me money for the movie show, but I had to promise to tell what happened. They told me certain words to say. We were in the balcony of the Ocean Beach Orpheumâa Red Skelton double feature. The last row.
Prudence rubbed against me. I couldnât eat my popcorn. She kept touching my hand and knocking the bag off my knee. Finally she said, âLetâs do something.â Itâs what they told me sheâd say. âOkay,â I said, and waited. She put her hand under my jacket and stuck it down my pants. Her fingers were sharp, and cold. I was scared to look at her. She grabbed it, just as Red Skelton was swallowing a bowl of goldfish. It was the funniest part of the movie, but I couldnât laugh. Prudence was breathing heavy. âWhaddya feel? Tell me what you feel?â
I felt sick to my stomach, but I couldnât say that.
âWhaddya want me to do?â
âBeat it,â I said. Itâs what they told me to say, I think. But it was the wrong thing to say. She yanked it from side to sideâleft, right, up, down. She banged it against the armrest. I was in terrible pain, nearly on my knees. I couldnât yell or the usher with her flashlight wouldâve run up the aisle. Prudenceâs fingers were as strong as steel coils.
âSay what it feels like,â she said. âSay â¦â
I couldnât speak. âOooh!â I said.
She took my arm. She put it between her legs and squeezed. She wiggled for a second. And then suddenly she went all calm, and let go. Later, standing by the bus stop, she said, âI love you.â They told me sheâd say it. I let her go home by herself. I could hardly walk. That night, before turning out the light, I looked at it. There were scratches. It was bent.
But I know real love. You see it all the time. Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face , Gene Kelly and Vera-Ellen in On the Town . Theyâre in love. They never say these kind of things. They dance and sing. They look into each otherâs eyes. No touching, just respect.
A sign on the far wall points up the staircase. I start to have a look. Then, I hear
Iâm ready for the Cock Shop.
I only go into the back room when Iâm feeling strong. The peep showâs right next door. From where Iâm standing, I can hear the whispers: âOoooh. Ooooh. Thatâs good. Deeper.â I never watch. It makes me sick.
I try not to look at the glass case filled with plastic cocks, but Iâm a sucker for scientific breakthroughs. I canât get them out of my mind. âDouble Dong Lesbian Typeâ looks like a majoretteâs baton with rubber nobs at both ends. âSmooth Sleeveâ is an ice-cream cone, tan and rough. âThe Thrillerâ is as pink and spiny as Momâs haircurlers. Itâd make a good backscratcher. All of these have âhalters,â according to the sign. Imagine wearing them! Bumping into people. Getting caught in revolving doors. You couldnât put your pants on.
Is this the normal size? Maybe for athletes. They eat special food. They have trainers.
When I take my bath, I sometimes look at myself and think of the Cock Shop. Now and then, when Iâm running after a big signature, I can feel it coming back into Cock Shop shape. âGuaranteed dependable,â they sayâI canât count on mine. Maybe itâs because of the time I lifted the chopping block at The Homestead, and strained something down there. Or maybe itâs because of Prudence âThe Pigâ Grasso from Trade School.
They made me take her out. They gave me money for the movie show, but I had to promise to tell what happened. They told me certain words to say. We were in the balcony of the Ocean Beach Orpheumâa Red Skelton double feature. The last row.
Prudence rubbed against me. I couldnât eat my popcorn. She kept touching my hand and knocking the bag off my knee. Finally she said, âLetâs do something.â Itâs what they told me sheâd say. âOkay,â I said, and waited. She put her hand under my jacket and stuck it down my pants. Her fingers were sharp, and cold. I was scared to look at her. She grabbed it, just as Red Skelton was swallowing a bowl of goldfish. It was the funniest part of the movie, but I couldnât laugh. Prudence was breathing heavy. âWhaddya feel? Tell me what you feel?â
I felt sick to my stomach, but I couldnât say that.
âWhaddya want me to do?â
âBeat it,â I said. Itâs what they told me to say, I think. But it was the wrong thing to say. She yanked it from side to sideâleft, right, up, down. She banged it against the armrest. I was in terrible pain, nearly on my knees. I couldnât yell or the usher with her flashlight wouldâve run up the aisle. Prudenceâs fingers were as strong as steel coils.
âSay what it feels like,â she said. âSay â¦â
I couldnât speak. âOooh!â I said.
She took my arm. She put it between her legs and squeezed. She wiggled for a second. And then suddenly she went all calm, and let go. Later, standing by the bus stop, she said, âI love you.â They told me sheâd say it. I let her go home by herself. I could hardly walk. That night, before turning out the light, I looked at it. There were scratches. It was bent.
But I know real love. You see it all the time. Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face , Gene Kelly and Vera-Ellen in On the Town . Theyâre in love. They never say these kind of things. They dance and sing. They look into each otherâs eyes. No touching, just respect.
A sign on the far wall points up the staircase. I start to have a look. Then, I hear
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