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Authors: Karla McLaren
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person is in empathic burnout, they can be likened to real burn patients; their defenses are down, and their emotional pain receptors may be hyperactivated. Gentleness is called for.
This gentleness is especially necessary for those people who have been exiled from empathyâmen and boys, people on the autism spectrum, and those who have been nearly tossed out of the human race altogether: psychopaths, sociopaths (a dated term in the United States), or those with antisocial, narcissistic, or personality disorders. I organized the six aspects of empathy, in part, to help myself think about and locate where allegedly unempathic people might have difficulties. Certainly, we can all have trouble with excessive Emotion Contagion abilities, and thatâs definitely where I place people on the autism spectrumâmany of whom are hyperempaths. Empathic Accuracy is also a huge problem for many of us, in part due to our deeply unempathic and unhelpful emotional training, which confuses us about emotions. Emotion Regulation is another area in which many of us need help, because weâll often pick up an emotion, then react to it, then react to our reactions, and then become completely overwhelmed with emotions about emotions.
We can also fall down in the area of Perspective Taking if our skills in the first three aspects of empathy are impeded in some way. If our own capacity to receive, identify, and work with emotions is not strong, then weâre not going to be able to develop a true and valid picture of others. We wonât beable to take their perspectives skillfully, and weâll attribute thoughts, emotions, ideas, and intentions to them that might be way off base.
However, when I look at the ways we talk about those who seem to lack empathyâand when I look at what scares people the mostâI rest my gaze on Concern for Others. Think about it: You can be an absolute clod in the empathic realm, taking in too much, being emotionally volatile, overreacting, being clumsy and emotionally imprecise, but if others know that you care about them, then a great deal of your empathic clumsiness will be forgiven. But if people sense that you donât care about them? Oh, no! That will shut everything down. If you donât seem to care about others, then every other aspect of your empathic skills will be discounted as unimportant at best and manipulative at worst. Concern for Others is a deal breaker: If you seem to have it, you can get away with almost anything, empathically speaking. But if you donât seem to have it, youâll be exiled.
Itâs interesting, then, to note which kinds of people are causally referred to as being absolutely antiempathic and psychopathic; certainly criminals are, 22 but so are bosses, ex-spouses, capitalists, and politicians. But, in fact, these people have to be able to read us and meet our needs in order to influence us skillfully and get their own needs met. There are many aspects of empathy working in all of these seemingly unempathic people; where they fall down is in their Concern for Others. Anyone who doesnât seem to have this concern gets exiled from our empathic communityâwe display a distinct lack of empathy for people who donât demonstrate their Concern for Others!
Concern for Others is vital and life affirming, but it can be a very difficult aspect of empathy, especially when those in your life are suffering, repeating painful behaviors, or mismanaging their emotions and their lives. Because Concern for Others can be very problematic, weâll explore ways to maintain (or restore) your concern without throwing yourself away and to temper your concern without completely abandoning your connections to others.
PERCEPTIVE ENGAGEMENT
In empathy research, the aspect that Iâm renaming Perceptive Engagement is often called targeted helping 23 or consolation . In general, empathy researchers focus a great deal of attention on empathy as an active
This gentleness is especially necessary for those people who have been exiled from empathyâmen and boys, people on the autism spectrum, and those who have been nearly tossed out of the human race altogether: psychopaths, sociopaths (a dated term in the United States), or those with antisocial, narcissistic, or personality disorders. I organized the six aspects of empathy, in part, to help myself think about and locate where allegedly unempathic people might have difficulties. Certainly, we can all have trouble with excessive Emotion Contagion abilities, and thatâs definitely where I place people on the autism spectrumâmany of whom are hyperempaths. Empathic Accuracy is also a huge problem for many of us, in part due to our deeply unempathic and unhelpful emotional training, which confuses us about emotions. Emotion Regulation is another area in which many of us need help, because weâll often pick up an emotion, then react to it, then react to our reactions, and then become completely overwhelmed with emotions about emotions.
We can also fall down in the area of Perspective Taking if our skills in the first three aspects of empathy are impeded in some way. If our own capacity to receive, identify, and work with emotions is not strong, then weâre not going to be able to develop a true and valid picture of others. We wonât beable to take their perspectives skillfully, and weâll attribute thoughts, emotions, ideas, and intentions to them that might be way off base.
However, when I look at the ways we talk about those who seem to lack empathyâand when I look at what scares people the mostâI rest my gaze on Concern for Others. Think about it: You can be an absolute clod in the empathic realm, taking in too much, being emotionally volatile, overreacting, being clumsy and emotionally imprecise, but if others know that you care about them, then a great deal of your empathic clumsiness will be forgiven. But if people sense that you donât care about them? Oh, no! That will shut everything down. If you donât seem to care about others, then every other aspect of your empathic skills will be discounted as unimportant at best and manipulative at worst. Concern for Others is a deal breaker: If you seem to have it, you can get away with almost anything, empathically speaking. But if you donât seem to have it, youâll be exiled.
Itâs interesting, then, to note which kinds of people are causally referred to as being absolutely antiempathic and psychopathic; certainly criminals are, 22 but so are bosses, ex-spouses, capitalists, and politicians. But, in fact, these people have to be able to read us and meet our needs in order to influence us skillfully and get their own needs met. There are many aspects of empathy working in all of these seemingly unempathic people; where they fall down is in their Concern for Others. Anyone who doesnât seem to have this concern gets exiled from our empathic communityâwe display a distinct lack of empathy for people who donât demonstrate their Concern for Others!
Concern for Others is vital and life affirming, but it can be a very difficult aspect of empathy, especially when those in your life are suffering, repeating painful behaviors, or mismanaging their emotions and their lives. Because Concern for Others can be very problematic, weâll explore ways to maintain (or restore) your concern without throwing yourself away and to temper your concern without completely abandoning your connections to others.
PERCEPTIVE ENGAGEMENT
In empathy research, the aspect that Iâm renaming Perceptive Engagement is often called targeted helping 23 or consolation . In general, empathy researchers focus a great deal of attention on empathy as an active
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