Read Online Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks by Matt Andrews - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Matt Andrews
Ads: Link
to be a quality cleaning service when you can’t even clean a couple wine stains??
A couple wine stains??? Your house is wrecked!
Listen kid, you’re the one that did this to your parent’s house so don’t bring my services into question.
I can clean but you’re going to need an electrician, a repairman and who know’s what else
Well you can expect a lousy Yelp review from me.
Stop texting me you little shit!
Hi, is this Lingo the clown?
Yes! Who is this?
Todd Koogler. I was hoping you were available sometime next week.
Hi Todd! Except for Saturday afternoon, I am available! When is your party?
I wouldn’t really call it a party … I just need your assistance for maybe 1 or 2 hours.
Ok? Well, when and what do you mean by assistance?
Any night this week is fine. My kid goes to sleep around 9pm, so I’ll need you from about 8pm-10pm. Does that work?
… and what do you mean by assistance???
Well, my kid is deathly afraid of clowns … Can’t look at them without crying. Anyways, he’s been acting up lately, talking back to his momma and whatnot.
What I need you to do is, hide in his room right before we put him to sleep … Once he falls asleep, you just jump out and give him a good scare.
Are you insane??
I’m not scaring a little child!
Hiding under a bed and popping out will just about scare any kid to death
Who said anything about hiding under a bed? You can hide in the closet for all I care.
Don’t threaten to kill him or anything. I don’t want to scar him for life. But feel free to pop out with an axe or a samurai sword.
This is ridiculous. You’re really messed up, you know that?
C’mon, I’m just trying to teach my kid a life lesson. Oh hell, you can make him a balloon animal afterwards, just to show him it was all in good spirit!
Sounds good. I’ll just bust out of a closet, dressed as clown, swinging a Samurai sword around. I’m sure your kid won’t be traumatized by the whole experience. Then we can all have a good laugh while I make him some balloon animals.
Exactly! How does Thursday night sound?
fuck off
Hi, is this the songwriter from the ad?
I need help putting my lyrics to music and I was hoping for your assistance.
Yes it is, I’d be glad to help!
Great! My name is Tim and I’m an aspiring song writer. I’ve written several songs in the past, but I’m hoping to make a career out of writing music one day
Cool! How would you like me to help? You could email me your lyrics and I could start working a song up, or were you thinking more of a collaboration?
Well, I have the lyrics written. It’s more of a solo piece than a collaboration. I think it would be suited for only vocals and piano.
Ok great, most of my songs are piano based. You can email me the lyrics and I’ll see what I can come up with. What kind of style are you looking for?
I’m looking for something soothing, a little slow placed. I need the emphasis to be more on the vocals than piano.
The song is about a loner who refuses to fall in love, so keep that in mind.
Ok. I can handle that.
Great. How about I just take a photo of the lyrics and send it to you now? It would be easier that way since I don’t have the lyrics stored on my computer.
That’s fine.
This is just a rough draft. Feel free to change a few words if you need to. I’m pretty sure if it sounds good, it will be a hit.
You think you could work with those?
Uhh? That is desperado by The Eagles. Did you want a different melody to it?
No it’s not. I wrote that song. I need an original melody. One that really brings out the emotion in my lyrics.
I happen to know it was written by Glen Frey and Don Henley in 1973.
Well you’re wrong, pal. I wrote that song 3 weeks ago after I blew my family’s life savings on an online Texas Hold’em tournament. (hence the queen of diamonds reference.)
Texas Hold’em tournament? That’s rich. Do yourself a favor and shred those lyrics before your ass gets sued.
Shred
A couple wine stains??? Your house is wrecked!
Listen kid, you’re the one that did this to your parent’s house so don’t bring my services into question.
I can clean but you’re going to need an electrician, a repairman and who know’s what else
Well you can expect a lousy Yelp review from me.
Stop texting me you little shit!
Hi, is this Lingo the clown?
Yes! Who is this?
Todd Koogler. I was hoping you were available sometime next week.
Hi Todd! Except for Saturday afternoon, I am available! When is your party?
I wouldn’t really call it a party … I just need your assistance for maybe 1 or 2 hours.
Ok? Well, when and what do you mean by assistance?
Any night this week is fine. My kid goes to sleep around 9pm, so I’ll need you from about 8pm-10pm. Does that work?
… and what do you mean by assistance???
Well, my kid is deathly afraid of clowns … Can’t look at them without crying. Anyways, he’s been acting up lately, talking back to his momma and whatnot.
What I need you to do is, hide in his room right before we put him to sleep … Once he falls asleep, you just jump out and give him a good scare.
Are you insane??
I’m not scaring a little child!
Hiding under a bed and popping out will just about scare any kid to death
Who said anything about hiding under a bed? You can hide in the closet for all I care.
Don’t threaten to kill him or anything. I don’t want to scar him for life. But feel free to pop out with an axe or a samurai sword.
This is ridiculous. You’re really messed up, you know that?
C’mon, I’m just trying to teach my kid a life lesson. Oh hell, you can make him a balloon animal afterwards, just to show him it was all in good spirit!
Sounds good. I’ll just bust out of a closet, dressed as clown, swinging a Samurai sword around. I’m sure your kid won’t be traumatized by the whole experience. Then we can all have a good laugh while I make him some balloon animals.
Exactly! How does Thursday night sound?
fuck off
Hi, is this the songwriter from the ad?
I need help putting my lyrics to music and I was hoping for your assistance.
Yes it is, I’d be glad to help!
Great! My name is Tim and I’m an aspiring song writer. I’ve written several songs in the past, but I’m hoping to make a career out of writing music one day
Cool! How would you like me to help? You could email me your lyrics and I could start working a song up, or were you thinking more of a collaboration?
Well, I have the lyrics written. It’s more of a solo piece than a collaboration. I think it would be suited for only vocals and piano.
Ok great, most of my songs are piano based. You can email me the lyrics and I’ll see what I can come up with. What kind of style are you looking for?
I’m looking for something soothing, a little slow placed. I need the emphasis to be more on the vocals than piano.
The song is about a loner who refuses to fall in love, so keep that in mind.
Ok. I can handle that.
Great. How about I just take a photo of the lyrics and send it to you now? It would be easier that way since I don’t have the lyrics stored on my computer.
That’s fine.
This is just a rough draft. Feel free to change a few words if you need to. I’m pretty sure if it sounds good, it will be a hit.
You think you could work with those?
Uhh? That is desperado by The Eagles. Did you want a different melody to it?
No it’s not. I wrote that song. I need an original melody. One that really brings out the emotion in my lyrics.
I happen to know it was written by Glen Frey and Don Henley in 1973.
Well you’re wrong, pal. I wrote that song 3 weeks ago after I blew my family’s life savings on an online Texas Hold’em tournament. (hence the queen of diamonds reference.)
Texas Hold’em tournament? That’s rich. Do yourself a favor and shred those lyrics before your ass gets sued.
Shred
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