have gone to school, would I do anything to screw this up?
What the hell am I thinking, even fantasizing about another man? Even in my head, this isn’t okay. Even in my head, this has to stop.
Chapter Eight
But she can’t stop thinking about it. In the car, driving to Claire’s, she has an imaginary conversation, out loud, in which her fantasy of sleeping with another man has actually become reality, and she is explaining herself to Claire, having confessed to what she has done.
‘I wasn’t thinking.’ Gabby’s voice is quiet but clear. ‘I didn’t think about my husband. I didn’t think about anything other than how good it felt to be wanted, how alive I felt knowing that someone, and someone like him, even noticed someone like me.
‘Why didn’t you stop before you went too far?
‘I tried. There was a part of me that kept saying, “Just ten more minutes, just a few more. I’ll go home soon.” But it was … I don’t know. Heady. It was like taking drugs. I was high, and I just wanted the high to keep going.
‘And if Elliott ever finds out?
‘He can’t ever find out. It would kill him. It would kill us. This is a secret I’m taking to my grave.’
Gabby exhales loudly, sighing as she climbs out of the car and pushes open the gate to Claire’s house. Thank God I didn’t do anything, she thinks. Now I just have to get the whole bloody thing out of my head.
‘Are you ready?’ she calls through the front door, not bothering to knock. ‘I’m waiting in the car.’
Claire bounds out seconds later, giving Gabby a quick hug. ‘Was it my imagination or were you just sitting in the car outside my house talking to yourself?’
Gabby flushes. ‘Oh God. I can’t believe you saw that.’
‘You were! Gabs! That’s hilarious. So, what were you talking about? Anything good? You looked pretty intense.’
Gabby sinks her head into her hands in shame. ‘I can’t believe I got caught,’ she mumbles, before looking at Claire. ‘It’s just something I do sometimes to clear my thoughts. I treat myself as my own therapist.’
‘O-kay.’ Claire laughs. ‘So how’s that working out for you?’
‘Surprisingly well.’ Gabby turns the engine on, and laughs too.
‘I do have an amazing therapist if you need one. I’ve told you this a million times, but if you ever do need someone to talk to I could totally get you in, and you’d love her.’
‘And I’ve told you a million times: no therapists.’ Gabby shudders. ‘Only the one in my head. I’ve still got all this mother stuff to get over. The poor woman put me off for life.’
‘Yes, well, not all of them are crazy.’
‘I know that. But my mother is. And I just can’t go there. I love that you keep offering, though. I just hopethat things are never desperate enough for me to want to take you up on it. What are you having done at the doctor today? You’re not having a scan yet, are you? Isn’t it too early?’
‘Just a check-up. They’ll do a blood test to confirm everything. Thank you so much for driving, Gabs. I feel kind of jittery, what with my age. I know it’s too soon to get excited, and the risks are huge, but it’s all I’m thinking about. I couldn’t sleep last night so I went online and started reading up about pregnancies in women our age. It’s pretty scary, but I have this really strong belief that everything’s going to be okay. Is that weird? Or wrong? I’m just so sure that this is supposed to be, and that I won’t have anything to worry about. Do you think everyone feels this way, even when it doesn’t turn out to be the case?’
‘I don’t know,’ Gabby says. ‘But I absolutely believe positive thinking can change the world. And the IVF wouldn’t have worked if you weren’t supposed to have this child – that much I’m sure of.’
‘I know,’ Claire says. ‘I’m one of the lucky ones. It was such hell when we were going through it, and we so nearly gave up. This was our last shot and it
What the hell am I thinking, even fantasizing about another man? Even in my head, this isn’t okay. Even in my head, this has to stop.
Chapter Eight
But she can’t stop thinking about it. In the car, driving to Claire’s, she has an imaginary conversation, out loud, in which her fantasy of sleeping with another man has actually become reality, and she is explaining herself to Claire, having confessed to what she has done.
‘I wasn’t thinking.’ Gabby’s voice is quiet but clear. ‘I didn’t think about my husband. I didn’t think about anything other than how good it felt to be wanted, how alive I felt knowing that someone, and someone like him, even noticed someone like me.
‘Why didn’t you stop before you went too far?
‘I tried. There was a part of me that kept saying, “Just ten more minutes, just a few more. I’ll go home soon.” But it was … I don’t know. Heady. It was like taking drugs. I was high, and I just wanted the high to keep going.
‘And if Elliott ever finds out?
‘He can’t ever find out. It would kill him. It would kill us. This is a secret I’m taking to my grave.’
Gabby exhales loudly, sighing as she climbs out of the car and pushes open the gate to Claire’s house. Thank God I didn’t do anything, she thinks. Now I just have to get the whole bloody thing out of my head.
‘Are you ready?’ she calls through the front door, not bothering to knock. ‘I’m waiting in the car.’
Claire bounds out seconds later, giving Gabby a quick hug. ‘Was it my imagination or were you just sitting in the car outside my house talking to yourself?’
Gabby flushes. ‘Oh God. I can’t believe you saw that.’
‘You were! Gabs! That’s hilarious. So, what were you talking about? Anything good? You looked pretty intense.’
Gabby sinks her head into her hands in shame. ‘I can’t believe I got caught,’ she mumbles, before looking at Claire. ‘It’s just something I do sometimes to clear my thoughts. I treat myself as my own therapist.’
‘O-kay.’ Claire laughs. ‘So how’s that working out for you?’
‘Surprisingly well.’ Gabby turns the engine on, and laughs too.
‘I do have an amazing therapist if you need one. I’ve told you this a million times, but if you ever do need someone to talk to I could totally get you in, and you’d love her.’
‘And I’ve told you a million times: no therapists.’ Gabby shudders. ‘Only the one in my head. I’ve still got all this mother stuff to get over. The poor woman put me off for life.’
‘Yes, well, not all of them are crazy.’
‘I know that. But my mother is. And I just can’t go there. I love that you keep offering, though. I just hopethat things are never desperate enough for me to want to take you up on it. What are you having done at the doctor today? You’re not having a scan yet, are you? Isn’t it too early?’
‘Just a check-up. They’ll do a blood test to confirm everything. Thank you so much for driving, Gabs. I feel kind of jittery, what with my age. I know it’s too soon to get excited, and the risks are huge, but it’s all I’m thinking about. I couldn’t sleep last night so I went online and started reading up about pregnancies in women our age. It’s pretty scary, but I have this really strong belief that everything’s going to be okay. Is that weird? Or wrong? I’m just so sure that this is supposed to be, and that I won’t have anything to worry about. Do you think everyone feels this way, even when it doesn’t turn out to be the case?’
‘I don’t know,’ Gabby says. ‘But I absolutely believe positive thinking can change the world. And the IVF wouldn’t have worked if you weren’t supposed to have this child – that much I’m sure of.’
‘I know,’ Claire says. ‘I’m one of the lucky ones. It was such hell when we were going through it, and we so nearly gave up. This was our last shot and it
Similar Books
