coming out of my mouth, but I was pretty certain it wasn’t English. “What are you doing here?”
He grinned as if waiting for me to add a “Just kidding” on the end of my statement. When he realized it wasn’t coming, he answered, “I live here. What about you? Kinda far from California, aren’t you?”
“You know where I live?” I asked, the dumbfounded look on my face returning.
“It’s a small town.” He chuckled. “And not many people get out and stay out, so yeah, I heard you had moved.”
“Yeah. I moved to California,” I said and went back to kicking myself. My mind, traitor that it was, continued guffawing.
He burst out laughing. “Well, to answer your question more accurately, I’m trying to get someone to help me but I think I’m SOL,” he said while looking around for an employee to corner.
How anyone could not drop what they were doing to come running to help him was beyond me. “You buying a gift?” I asked in what may have been the first normal thing I’d uttered since I’d seen him. He had some DVDs in his hand, so it was a fair guess.
“I wish,” he said, running a hand through his hair as he looked around in apprehension. “My computer committed suicide this week, and I did everything I know to get it working again. So I’m kinda forced to buy a new one.”
“How old is it?” I asked, suddenly in a world I could actually form coherent sentences about.
He paused for a moment, trying to remember. “Less than two years, but you know how computers are today.” Abruptly, he stopped and looked at me. “What am I saying? Of course you know how computers are, my bad.”
“You know what I do for a living?” I asked, once again shocked.
He blushed a little more. “Guilty,” he said. “I’ve read your column a couple of times. You’re pretty funny.”
I was pretty sure I was on the floor of Better Buy, body twitching in the throes of a brain-damaging embolism, but as fantasies went, this one was nice.
“So, yeah,” he continued, jamming his hands in his pockets and looking around again. “But at this point I’m better off just chucking a dart and buying whatever it lands on.”
“I can look at it,” I blurted out before my internal filter could stop me.
“ What the hell? ” my inner self asked me silently.
“ Oh, you were never going to make a move ,” I retorted. “ Fuck off .”
Aloud I added, “I mean, if it’s that new, I’m sure it is just a power supply or maybe the hard drive. Both of those can be replaced for a lot less than a whole new system.”
I was praying I didn’t sound as desperate as I did in my own ears.
“Really?” he asked, shocked. “You’d do that?”
I tried to play it casual. “Of course. I mean, what are friends for?”
He looked at me for several seconds, and I wondered if he was going to point out that we had never actually been friends. “I mean, I know you’re down here for Christmas, and I don’t want to take you away from—”
“Please!” I exclaimed. “Take me away from them!” And we both laughed. “It wouldn’t be a problem at all, honestly.”
“Okay then, if you’re sure,” he said again, and I almost said, “I’d consider hitting my mother on the back of the head with a snow shovel if kissing you was in the cards.” But I thought that would come off as needy.
“I’m sure,” I answered, nodding.
“You remember where I live?” he asked.
“You still live there?” Now I wondered if he had seen me stalking him earlier.
He nodded. “My parents moved to Florida a couple of years ago, and they gave it to me. Never had the heart to sell it.”
“Yeah, I remember. Where you live, I mean,” I said after pretending I had to search my memory.
“Awesome!” Tyler’s face lit up, causing my knees to grow weak. “When is good for you?”
I forced myself not say now and instead offered, “How about tomorrow?”
He pulled a business card out of his wallet and handed it over to me.
He grinned as if waiting for me to add a “Just kidding” on the end of my statement. When he realized it wasn’t coming, he answered, “I live here. What about you? Kinda far from California, aren’t you?”
“You know where I live?” I asked, the dumbfounded look on my face returning.
“It’s a small town.” He chuckled. “And not many people get out and stay out, so yeah, I heard you had moved.”
“Yeah. I moved to California,” I said and went back to kicking myself. My mind, traitor that it was, continued guffawing.
He burst out laughing. “Well, to answer your question more accurately, I’m trying to get someone to help me but I think I’m SOL,” he said while looking around for an employee to corner.
How anyone could not drop what they were doing to come running to help him was beyond me. “You buying a gift?” I asked in what may have been the first normal thing I’d uttered since I’d seen him. He had some DVDs in his hand, so it was a fair guess.
“I wish,” he said, running a hand through his hair as he looked around in apprehension. “My computer committed suicide this week, and I did everything I know to get it working again. So I’m kinda forced to buy a new one.”
“How old is it?” I asked, suddenly in a world I could actually form coherent sentences about.
He paused for a moment, trying to remember. “Less than two years, but you know how computers are today.” Abruptly, he stopped and looked at me. “What am I saying? Of course you know how computers are, my bad.”
“You know what I do for a living?” I asked, once again shocked.
He blushed a little more. “Guilty,” he said. “I’ve read your column a couple of times. You’re pretty funny.”
I was pretty sure I was on the floor of Better Buy, body twitching in the throes of a brain-damaging embolism, but as fantasies went, this one was nice.
“So, yeah,” he continued, jamming his hands in his pockets and looking around again. “But at this point I’m better off just chucking a dart and buying whatever it lands on.”
“I can look at it,” I blurted out before my internal filter could stop me.
“ What the hell? ” my inner self asked me silently.
“ Oh, you were never going to make a move ,” I retorted. “ Fuck off .”
Aloud I added, “I mean, if it’s that new, I’m sure it is just a power supply or maybe the hard drive. Both of those can be replaced for a lot less than a whole new system.”
I was praying I didn’t sound as desperate as I did in my own ears.
“Really?” he asked, shocked. “You’d do that?”
I tried to play it casual. “Of course. I mean, what are friends for?”
He looked at me for several seconds, and I wondered if he was going to point out that we had never actually been friends. “I mean, I know you’re down here for Christmas, and I don’t want to take you away from—”
“Please!” I exclaimed. “Take me away from them!” And we both laughed. “It wouldn’t be a problem at all, honestly.”
“Okay then, if you’re sure,” he said again, and I almost said, “I’d consider hitting my mother on the back of the head with a snow shovel if kissing you was in the cards.” But I thought that would come off as needy.
“I’m sure,” I answered, nodding.
“You remember where I live?” he asked.
“You still live there?” Now I wondered if he had seen me stalking him earlier.
He nodded. “My parents moved to Florida a couple of years ago, and they gave it to me. Never had the heart to sell it.”
“Yeah, I remember. Where you live, I mean,” I said after pretending I had to search my memory.
“Awesome!” Tyler’s face lit up, causing my knees to grow weak. “When is good for you?”
I forced myself not say now and instead offered, “How about tomorrow?”
He pulled a business card out of his wallet and handed it over to me.
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