repeating this statement over and over in my head, but it refuses to work. It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep for nuts. It’s amazing how mortal fear can do that to you.
At three, I get up and nuke myself a milk drink, watching my fingers shake as I push the buttons. I take it back to the sofa and drink it slowly, trying to avoid thinking about how my career could be over in fourteen hours. I realize very quickly that it’s impossible to deliberately avoid thinking about something, so I cleverly try to avoid thinking about elephants instead. Unfortunately, my brain works out that the best way to avoid thinking about elephants is to think about how my career could be over in fourteen hours, and at 3:30 I still can’t stop shaking.
The worst part is that now I’m standing with my foot in the bear trap, it’s obvious. It’s the biggest bear trap in the world. It wasn’t even hidden; it practically had neon signs. 6 said, “Scat , do you mind moving your foot so I can put this huge, neon-lit bear trap underneath it?” and I said, “Okay, sure thing, 6. ”
I’ve been seen at Coke.
I can’t believe I let that happen.
The textbooks wouldn’t put this in a “Marketing Blunders” box: this will be reserved for “Marketing Catastrophes.” Given that I’m currently fielding entries in both categories, I could be a shot for “All-Time Marketing Fuckwits,” too: After losing Fukk, Scat was apparently involved in the failure of Coca-Cola to launch a summer advertising campaign. Insiders at Coke say—
Out of sheer exhaustion, I finally fall asleep around four. So I’m particularly distressed to be woken by a boy sitting on my head at 4:20.
“Whoa!” the boy says. “Sorry dude, didn’t see you there!”
“Tim- othy,” Tina chides from the kitchen, giggling. “Sorry, Scat.”
Choking with rage, I spit, “God—damn—stupid—”
“Cool it, dude,” Timothy tells me, backing off. Tina collects him and steers him toward her bedroom. “What’s his problem?”
“He’s a marketer ,” Tina explains as she shuts the door.
I’m so inflamed I can’t even imagine sleeping. I get up and wander around the apartment for a while, swinging my arms and taking deep breaths. Gradually I feel myself returning to a state of calm, at which point Tina and Timothy begin a muffled giggle-fest. Then I get so mad I have to sit down fast.
At five, I’m seriously considering just getting the hell out. This is a particularly idiotic plan, given that it actually guarantees the ruin of my career, but I almost do it anyway.
Finally, at 5:20, just thirty minutes before I have to get up, I work out how to get to sleep. I march into the bathroom and flip up the toilet seat.
Just looking at it, I feel calmer. When I return to the sofa, I slip effortlessly into the deepest, most intense half hour’s sleep of my life.
mktg case study #6: mktg cigarettes
FOR A PRODUCT THAT KILLS ITS CUSTOMERS, THIS IS PRETTY EASY. FOR ONE THING, YOU ONLY NEED TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO START BUYING. BUT THE BEST PART IS THAT YOU GET TO DEFEND THE ACT OF SELLING A PRODUCT YOUR CUSTOMERS CAN’T STOP BUYING BY CLAIMING THEY HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE. BEFORE EACH MARKETING CAMPAIGN, PRACTICE THE LINE: “IT IS NOT THE POLICY OF OUR COMPANY TO DICTATE THE LIFESTYLE OF OUR CUSTOMERS.”
hope
The bus ride to Coca-Cola is strained, but in the elevator 6 tries to give me a little pep talk. “Scat, if anyone can do this, you can. You need to look at this as a great opportunity.”
“Sure,” I mutter, frowning at the little glowing floor numbers. “A great opportunity to ruin my life.”
“I’m sorry,” 6 says, and maybe she does look a little contrite. “When I dragged you into this, I didn’t stop to think how you would be affected. I haven’t been fair with you.”
It’s hard to argue with someone who agrees with you, so I settle for a dark look.
6 takes a breath, then hits the EMERGENCY STOP button. The elevator stops so fast
At three, I get up and nuke myself a milk drink, watching my fingers shake as I push the buttons. I take it back to the sofa and drink it slowly, trying to avoid thinking about how my career could be over in fourteen hours. I realize very quickly that it’s impossible to deliberately avoid thinking about something, so I cleverly try to avoid thinking about elephants instead. Unfortunately, my brain works out that the best way to avoid thinking about elephants is to think about how my career could be over in fourteen hours, and at 3:30 I still can’t stop shaking.
The worst part is that now I’m standing with my foot in the bear trap, it’s obvious. It’s the biggest bear trap in the world. It wasn’t even hidden; it practically had neon signs. 6 said, “Scat , do you mind moving your foot so I can put this huge, neon-lit bear trap underneath it?” and I said, “Okay, sure thing, 6. ”
I’ve been seen at Coke.
I can’t believe I let that happen.
The textbooks wouldn’t put this in a “Marketing Blunders” box: this will be reserved for “Marketing Catastrophes.” Given that I’m currently fielding entries in both categories, I could be a shot for “All-Time Marketing Fuckwits,” too: After losing Fukk, Scat was apparently involved in the failure of Coca-Cola to launch a summer advertising campaign. Insiders at Coke say—
Out of sheer exhaustion, I finally fall asleep around four. So I’m particularly distressed to be woken by a boy sitting on my head at 4:20.
“Whoa!” the boy says. “Sorry dude, didn’t see you there!”
“Tim- othy,” Tina chides from the kitchen, giggling. “Sorry, Scat.”
Choking with rage, I spit, “God—damn—stupid—”
“Cool it, dude,” Timothy tells me, backing off. Tina collects him and steers him toward her bedroom. “What’s his problem?”
“He’s a marketer ,” Tina explains as she shuts the door.
I’m so inflamed I can’t even imagine sleeping. I get up and wander around the apartment for a while, swinging my arms and taking deep breaths. Gradually I feel myself returning to a state of calm, at which point Tina and Timothy begin a muffled giggle-fest. Then I get so mad I have to sit down fast.
At five, I’m seriously considering just getting the hell out. This is a particularly idiotic plan, given that it actually guarantees the ruin of my career, but I almost do it anyway.
Finally, at 5:20, just thirty minutes before I have to get up, I work out how to get to sleep. I march into the bathroom and flip up the toilet seat.
Just looking at it, I feel calmer. When I return to the sofa, I slip effortlessly into the deepest, most intense half hour’s sleep of my life.
mktg case study #6: mktg cigarettes
FOR A PRODUCT THAT KILLS ITS CUSTOMERS, THIS IS PRETTY EASY. FOR ONE THING, YOU ONLY NEED TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO START BUYING. BUT THE BEST PART IS THAT YOU GET TO DEFEND THE ACT OF SELLING A PRODUCT YOUR CUSTOMERS CAN’T STOP BUYING BY CLAIMING THEY HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE. BEFORE EACH MARKETING CAMPAIGN, PRACTICE THE LINE: “IT IS NOT THE POLICY OF OUR COMPANY TO DICTATE THE LIFESTYLE OF OUR CUSTOMERS.”
hope
The bus ride to Coca-Cola is strained, but in the elevator 6 tries to give me a little pep talk. “Scat, if anyone can do this, you can. You need to look at this as a great opportunity.”
“Sure,” I mutter, frowning at the little glowing floor numbers. “A great opportunity to ruin my life.”
“I’m sorry,” 6 says, and maybe she does look a little contrite. “When I dragged you into this, I didn’t stop to think how you would be affected. I haven’t been fair with you.”
It’s hard to argue with someone who agrees with you, so I settle for a dark look.
6 takes a breath, then hits the EMERGENCY STOP button. The elevator stops so fast
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