Read Online Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer by Jen Lancaster - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: Fiction, General, Romance, Personal Memoirs, Biography & Autobiography, Family Life, Biography, Authors; American, Cultural Heritage, Women, 21st Century, Jeanne, Lancaster; Jen, Authors; American - 21st century
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worked for the HMO, I was in and out of doctors’ offices all day long. Not coincidentally, I was always sick from touching germy doorknobs. I’ve since become completely OCD, and this is the fourth time the Purell has been out of my purse since I’ve been here.
Nurse Big Hips instructs me to sit on the paper-covered table, and she takes my blood pressure, only the cuff feels a whole lot tighter than usual. Shortly thereafter, a thermometer is jammed in my mouth and I correctly guess that my temperature is 98.4. 49
Last time I was here, there was a question about my blood pressure. I’d attributed the inflated numbers to my having run for the bus, and I would have thought nothing more of it, but for the past month, I’ve noticed an odd tingling/numbness in my arms. Yesterday after my initial bout of pain, they still felt weird after I had aspirin and antacid, so the doctor insisted I come in.
After Nurse Booty leaves the exam room, I seek out the hand sanitizer again to rub the area where the BP cuff was because what if the patient before me had tuberculosis or chlamydia? I dig around in my glorious new handbag for the bottle.
Okay. You caught me.
I admit it.
I bought a new purse with my royalties, too.
Sure, said royalties came from the book I wrote about spending all my money on designer bags and then going broke, but the irony isn’t lost on me, and I promise I learned my lesson. 50 Plus, it’s the first new purse I’ve gotten in about five years, which anyone would agree is totally reasonable, especially since it isn’t Prada.
I love this bag so much, I promise to carry it every day until it completely disintegrates. It’s a large brown and tan satchel with glossy leather handles and a leather bottom, and it’s got tassels and some random equestrian-looking hardware on it. I bought it specifically because it’s large enough to comfortably carry a variety of items—restaurant doggie bags, books, Fletch’s BlackBerry, etc.
I’ve never had such a big bag, so I’m totally taking advantage of it. This puppy is full . I can even carry a bottle of wine in it, though I’d caution anyone else before doing so. A week ago Fletch and I attended his company’s holiday party, which was kind of weird because everyone he works with is so short. When we sailed in, I swear we were a head taller than anyone else there. 51 Anyway, I had a good Cabernet tucked away to take to another fete later that night, and the weight of it turned my lovely handbag into a military-grade battering ram . . . which I learned only after accidentally nailing the dour company president in the crotch.
Jen’s Life Lesson #8897: Making a “hitting someone’s Yule log at the Christmas party” joke totally is funny. It’s not my fault none of the wee folk in his company have a sense of humor.
After cleaning my hands again, I pull out my book and begin to read, having learned the hard way that the doctor’s computer cannot be used to access my Gmail. In my defense, they shouldn’t have left me bored and shivering shirtless on a cold metal table for half an hour that one time.
When Dr. Awesome enters, I tell her all about my arm pains. After a few questions and possibly some whining on my part, she rules out cardiac infarctions and theorizes that the numbness and tingling are much more likely due to carpal tunnel syndrome or pinched nerves in my elbows.
Oh. Well . . . good.
The doctor begins to narrow down potential causes. “Have you had any changes in your activities in the last month, like maybe taking up tennis?”
“I would never chase balls,” I say solemnly, in my nod to all things Cher Horowitz. 52 “I have been reading a lot of In-Style in the bathtub, though. It’s their holiday issue, so it’s pretty thick. Do you think that’s the problem? I could switch to a lighter magazine.”
With a quick frown, she continues. “How much time do you spend on the computer?”
“Hmm . . . ,” I say, mulling over the
Nurse Big Hips instructs me to sit on the paper-covered table, and she takes my blood pressure, only the cuff feels a whole lot tighter than usual. Shortly thereafter, a thermometer is jammed in my mouth and I correctly guess that my temperature is 98.4. 49
Last time I was here, there was a question about my blood pressure. I’d attributed the inflated numbers to my having run for the bus, and I would have thought nothing more of it, but for the past month, I’ve noticed an odd tingling/numbness in my arms. Yesterday after my initial bout of pain, they still felt weird after I had aspirin and antacid, so the doctor insisted I come in.
After Nurse Booty leaves the exam room, I seek out the hand sanitizer again to rub the area where the BP cuff was because what if the patient before me had tuberculosis or chlamydia? I dig around in my glorious new handbag for the bottle.
Okay. You caught me.
I admit it.
I bought a new purse with my royalties, too.
Sure, said royalties came from the book I wrote about spending all my money on designer bags and then going broke, but the irony isn’t lost on me, and I promise I learned my lesson. 50 Plus, it’s the first new purse I’ve gotten in about five years, which anyone would agree is totally reasonable, especially since it isn’t Prada.
I love this bag so much, I promise to carry it every day until it completely disintegrates. It’s a large brown and tan satchel with glossy leather handles and a leather bottom, and it’s got tassels and some random equestrian-looking hardware on it. I bought it specifically because it’s large enough to comfortably carry a variety of items—restaurant doggie bags, books, Fletch’s BlackBerry, etc.
I’ve never had such a big bag, so I’m totally taking advantage of it. This puppy is full . I can even carry a bottle of wine in it, though I’d caution anyone else before doing so. A week ago Fletch and I attended his company’s holiday party, which was kind of weird because everyone he works with is so short. When we sailed in, I swear we were a head taller than anyone else there. 51 Anyway, I had a good Cabernet tucked away to take to another fete later that night, and the weight of it turned my lovely handbag into a military-grade battering ram . . . which I learned only after accidentally nailing the dour company president in the crotch.
Jen’s Life Lesson #8897: Making a “hitting someone’s Yule log at the Christmas party” joke totally is funny. It’s not my fault none of the wee folk in his company have a sense of humor.
After cleaning my hands again, I pull out my book and begin to read, having learned the hard way that the doctor’s computer cannot be used to access my Gmail. In my defense, they shouldn’t have left me bored and shivering shirtless on a cold metal table for half an hour that one time.
When Dr. Awesome enters, I tell her all about my arm pains. After a few questions and possibly some whining on my part, she rules out cardiac infarctions and theorizes that the numbness and tingling are much more likely due to carpal tunnel syndrome or pinched nerves in my elbows.
Oh. Well . . . good.
The doctor begins to narrow down potential causes. “Have you had any changes in your activities in the last month, like maybe taking up tennis?”
“I would never chase balls,” I say solemnly, in my nod to all things Cher Horowitz. 52 “I have been reading a lot of In-Style in the bathtub, though. It’s their holiday issue, so it’s pretty thick. Do you think that’s the problem? I could switch to a lighter magazine.”
With a quick frown, she continues. “How much time do you spend on the computer?”
“Hmm . . . ,” I say, mulling over the
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