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Authors: Karin Kallmaker
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slept together and said that we loved each other, but except for my body I’d never really given her anything I valued. Not my absolute trust, and not my future. I had to stop being so self-reliant and lean on her some if I was going to really let Geena into my life. And vice versa.”
Every word struck a chord in Holly, and she was aware, again, of how distant she had felt from Clay yesterday. His failure to leave his perspective for even a moment in order to empathize with her decision had left her faith in his judgment badly shaken. “Did she feel the same way?”
Tori nodded. “She did, and since I think that of the two of us she’s far wiser, I knew I was on the right track. We pool all our money now, and we have to decide together on something major. We started planning our retirement discussing really long-term issues. Where we want to live in another ten years, if we want to have kids. All those things. We’d avoided them before.” She shook her head with a self-deprecating sigh. “Damn Murphy anyway. She’s such an arrogant shit because she’s good in bed, and it was, well, an eye-opening night for me. But it didn’t matter. As soon as my head cleared I wanted Geena. I wanted it to be Geena loving me like that because I wanted her with me forever.”
“I understand,” Holly murmured. Try as she might, she could not picture herself some thirty years in the future and still enduring lectures about the decisions she made. She could not imagine another fifteen years of hiding her lapses into food that was bad for her, or even five years of doing the household work that Clay found too disruptive to his search for inner peace. She could not, she knew with a heartsick shudder, imagine even another night of digging down deep and pretending. Tori had experienced something with Murphy and for years with Geena some physical bond Holly could not fully understand. Eight years with Clay and she had no way of appreciating what a night of pure passion might be like.
It was all seeping away from her, her certainty that she had chosen well, that she was living a good life, that Clay’s path was worth her commitment and support.
God, she thought, what am I considering?
She had been fine this morning. That she had calculated it would take seventeen boxes in two carloads to remove her clothing and belongings from Clay’s house was irrelevant in the morning light. What exactly had he done to warrant her leaving him?
Jo’s voice or was it her own? He’s done exactly what he’s done to make you stay: nothing.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she said automatically. “I was just remembering something I forgot to do.”
“I’ve been jawing your ear off.”
“No, I was really interested. Money is a tricky subject.” How could she explain that she made very few of the decisions about how they would spend their earnings, that is, when they spent it on anything other than the basics. Her savings account was substantial. She was putting money down on the mortgage over and above the payment to pay it off sooner. That was just common sense when they could afford it. It occurred to her, now that she had to face some sobering realities, that she had not cared at the time that her name wasn’t on the title to the house. Fine. Clay’s name wasn’t on her savings account.
God, she thought again. Is it going to come down to this? Am I this petty? When did I get this angry?
Tish dropped off their check and Tori scooped it up.
“Let me, please. As a thank you for what you did yesterday.”
“You don’t have”
“I know. But I want to.”
Holly hesitated, then said, “Next time I’ll buy.”
Tori smiled brightly. “It’s a deal.”
Tish had lingered after delivering the check. “I really could use the extra hands, sweets, if you were serious.”
“I was,” Tori said. “You know I’d scrub pots for a week for you.”
“In that case, I’ll take care of the check.” Tish snapped the paper
Every word struck a chord in Holly, and she was aware, again, of how distant she had felt from Clay yesterday. His failure to leave his perspective for even a moment in order to empathize with her decision had left her faith in his judgment badly shaken. “Did she feel the same way?”
Tori nodded. “She did, and since I think that of the two of us she’s far wiser, I knew I was on the right track. We pool all our money now, and we have to decide together on something major. We started planning our retirement discussing really long-term issues. Where we want to live in another ten years, if we want to have kids. All those things. We’d avoided them before.” She shook her head with a self-deprecating sigh. “Damn Murphy anyway. She’s such an arrogant shit because she’s good in bed, and it was, well, an eye-opening night for me. But it didn’t matter. As soon as my head cleared I wanted Geena. I wanted it to be Geena loving me like that because I wanted her with me forever.”
“I understand,” Holly murmured. Try as she might, she could not picture herself some thirty years in the future and still enduring lectures about the decisions she made. She could not imagine another fifteen years of hiding her lapses into food that was bad for her, or even five years of doing the household work that Clay found too disruptive to his search for inner peace. She could not, she knew with a heartsick shudder, imagine even another night of digging down deep and pretending. Tori had experienced something with Murphy and for years with Geena some physical bond Holly could not fully understand. Eight years with Clay and she had no way of appreciating what a night of pure passion might be like.
It was all seeping away from her, her certainty that she had chosen well, that she was living a good life, that Clay’s path was worth her commitment and support.
God, she thought, what am I considering?
She had been fine this morning. That she had calculated it would take seventeen boxes in two carloads to remove her clothing and belongings from Clay’s house was irrelevant in the morning light. What exactly had he done to warrant her leaving him?
Jo’s voice or was it her own? He’s done exactly what he’s done to make you stay: nothing.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she said automatically. “I was just remembering something I forgot to do.”
“I’ve been jawing your ear off.”
“No, I was really interested. Money is a tricky subject.” How could she explain that she made very few of the decisions about how they would spend their earnings, that is, when they spent it on anything other than the basics. Her savings account was substantial. She was putting money down on the mortgage over and above the payment to pay it off sooner. That was just common sense when they could afford it. It occurred to her, now that she had to face some sobering realities, that she had not cared at the time that her name wasn’t on the title to the house. Fine. Clay’s name wasn’t on her savings account.
God, she thought again. Is it going to come down to this? Am I this petty? When did I get this angry?
Tish dropped off their check and Tori scooped it up.
“Let me, please. As a thank you for what you did yesterday.”
“You don’t have”
“I know. But I want to.”
Holly hesitated, then said, “Next time I’ll buy.”
Tori smiled brightly. “It’s a deal.”
Tish had lingered after delivering the check. “I really could use the extra hands, sweets, if you were serious.”
“I was,” Tori said. “You know I’d scrub pots for a week for you.”
“In that case, I’ll take care of the check.” Tish snapped the paper
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