Read Online Straight Talking by Jane Green - Free Book Online Page B

didn’t sleep? That I spent the night wandering along freezing murky black corridors? That at five o’clock in the morning I ran a hot bath just so I could feel comforted? That at six o’clock in the morning I bumped into Sarah, going to the loo, that I didn’t let her go back to bed, that I talked her ear off, feeling miserable and lonely, that the most overwhelming feeling of that night was that no one would ever love me?
    Monday was a nightmare. We were flying home on Monday evening, and I insisted the others go off for the day, insisted I would be OK by myself. Guy didn’t look at me, not once, but Sarah said she’d stay behind. No, I insisted, I needed to be on my own.
    I sat in that house, that strange house I didn’t know and felt numb. There weren’t any tears, not at that point anyway, just a feeling of disbelief. I packed my clothes and sat on the sofa staring into space, watching the clock and willing the hours to pass quickly so I could fly home.
    Guy and I, despite sitting next to one another on the flight back, didn’t speak. We shared a taxi from the airport, and, still, we didn’t speak.
    “I’m sorry,” he said as I got out of the taxi.
    “Forget about it,” I said, swiftly moving my head away as he tried to give me a good-bye kiss on the cheek.
    I was fine that afternoon. Really. It was only later that night when Andy forced me to come to a party with her, when I was sitting there watching other couples that I suddenly found myself laughing. Manic laughter which suddenly became short, sharp sobs, and I had to lock myself in a bathroom for half an hour, trying to compose myself.
    So here I am now, telling Louise about the grand finale, wondering why it happened again, why I haven’t learned.
    “Why do you think it happened, hmm?” asks Louise. “Why do you think he suddenly got scared?”
    Thank God I’ve learned something in therapy, because it doesn’t take me long to tell her, and even when I was with Guy I was aware that I was falling into old patterns, that I was repeating actions of the past, that the outcome would be the same.
    “Moving the toothbrush in wasn’t a great idea,” I say, wincing with embarrassment at what was such an obvious mistake. “I think that was when he started to backtrack.”
    “And what about sex? Do you feel good about sleeping with him so soon after meeting him? Why do you think you offered him your body when you didn’t really know him, when he hadn’t shown you who he was, what he could offer, hmm?”
    “You’re right, I know. I was doing what I always used to do. I think I slept with him because I thought it would make him want me more, and I rushed in again. I didn’t really know him. But I also think I was aware of what I was doing, which I never used to be. I think I’m getting better at recognizing the mistakes. Now it’s just a question of changing them for good.”
    Louise nods. It’s a long, slow, and often painful process, but finally I think I might be getting there.

6
    After I found those pictures of Tanya, or Tanyagate as I called it at the time, Simon turned into the gorgeous, loving, attentive Simon he’d been when we met.
    And the crazy woman inside me, the one that drove to his best friend’s at four o’clock in the morning, seemed to quiet down a little. I knew she hadn’t gone away, but she wasn’t bothering me. At least, not for the time being.
    Simon loved me and I loved Simon and the Tanyas of the world could go screw themselves. It was over and it was nothing, and I truly believed I would be as happy for the rest of my life.
    There was one morning when the sun shone brightly through his bedroom windows which were still filthy because there were always too many other things to do than clean the windows, and we decided to drive to the country.
    “Come on, Fanny, get up, I’m taking you out for lunch.”
    “I want to stay in bed, it’s warm. Where are we going?”
    “I’m taking you to a pub in the country. Move