instead cut to the chase. “Nat, this isn’t working for me. I’m starting a new case, and I need to be completely focused on my job.”
“Is the new case called Ella?” she asked sarcastically.
“Not that I need to explain, I’ve never given you a reason to think we were exclusive. Ella is a friend of Andrea’s.”
“Well, that explains a lot. Andrea hates me. Are you seeing her?”
Part of me wanted to say yes, just to get rid of Nat. But in spite of my need to distance myself from her, she’s always been a good friend. Until recently, she was easy to talk to and easy to get along with. I’m not sure what’s going on that’s causing her to be so possessive and jealous.
She kept throwing question after question at me. I didn’t respond to one of them. She had no rights to know my business, and by responding that would be an admission that she did have a right.
“Natalia, I think you should go,” I finally said.
She couldn’t hide the look of defeat that crossed her features. She came to stand before me, took my hands in hers, and said, “Ben, I know you and I have always had an unconventional relationship. I was hoping when the time came that you were ready for a real relationship, it would be with me. I care about you, but I deserve better than this. I’m ready to take it to the next step, and it hurts that you aren’t. I think we could’ve been good together.” She leaned up on her toes and gave me a long hard kiss on my lips. When she pulled away, a few tears escaped. “I’ll miss you.”
The combination of her words and the sorrow in her eyes gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I quickly looked away for fear I would cave in once again. I could easily see myself agreeing to keep seeing her due to nothing but the guilt she made me feel at that moment.
Guilt is my fucking kryptonite.
I never met her eyes, not even after she hugged me briefly, or after she kissed me one last time before leaving my apartment.
I should have never left. I should have never left.
It’s all I repeated in my mind over and over. Even after finding my parents lying on the floor, covered with sheets. Even after my brother cried in my arms. Even after listening to his recount of the events that occurred that would forever change his life and mine.
I was plagued with guilt, sadness, and regret. I should have never left.
After my dad had been arrested on a DUI, he was then convicted of possession with intent to sell. He served one year. Life had become peaceful and calm for my mother, brother, and me. I hate to admit my dad’s absence was a blessing.
I decided to attend community college, abandoning my original plan of moving away to New York City. I majored in law enforcement, deciding that was the path I wanted to take. My mom and brother needed me. While at home, I assumed the role of little league coach and chauffeur to Jonathan. We’d become even closer during that time. Mom continued to work hard, but still maintained a strict, respectful household.
When Dad was released, my mom threw him out of the house. He didn’t even argue. He packed his things and left. He thought so little of us that he didn’t even feel the need to say goodbye. Jonathan couldn’t understand it. He thought, we both thought that he would’ve missed us being away for that year. Jonathan thought he did something to cause our father to cut us from his life. No matter what I said to comfort him, he still believed it was his fault. To a thirteen-year-old boy, it’s perfectly logical to believe your mischief is what caused your father to walk out the front door.
One month to the day of his release from prison, he returned. I was out, hanging out with friends, being a normal college kid. Dad said that he came back for something he left behind. My mother let him in.
While Jonathan slept in his room, my father shot my mother and then himself.
The guilt still cripples me, even after all these years.
I should have
“Is the new case called Ella?” she asked sarcastically.
“Not that I need to explain, I’ve never given you a reason to think we were exclusive. Ella is a friend of Andrea’s.”
“Well, that explains a lot. Andrea hates me. Are you seeing her?”
Part of me wanted to say yes, just to get rid of Nat. But in spite of my need to distance myself from her, she’s always been a good friend. Until recently, she was easy to talk to and easy to get along with. I’m not sure what’s going on that’s causing her to be so possessive and jealous.
She kept throwing question after question at me. I didn’t respond to one of them. She had no rights to know my business, and by responding that would be an admission that she did have a right.
“Natalia, I think you should go,” I finally said.
She couldn’t hide the look of defeat that crossed her features. She came to stand before me, took my hands in hers, and said, “Ben, I know you and I have always had an unconventional relationship. I was hoping when the time came that you were ready for a real relationship, it would be with me. I care about you, but I deserve better than this. I’m ready to take it to the next step, and it hurts that you aren’t. I think we could’ve been good together.” She leaned up on her toes and gave me a long hard kiss on my lips. When she pulled away, a few tears escaped. “I’ll miss you.”
The combination of her words and the sorrow in her eyes gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I quickly looked away for fear I would cave in once again. I could easily see myself agreeing to keep seeing her due to nothing but the guilt she made me feel at that moment.
Guilt is my fucking kryptonite.
I never met her eyes, not even after she hugged me briefly, or after she kissed me one last time before leaving my apartment.
I should have never left. I should have never left.
It’s all I repeated in my mind over and over. Even after finding my parents lying on the floor, covered with sheets. Even after my brother cried in my arms. Even after listening to his recount of the events that occurred that would forever change his life and mine.
I was plagued with guilt, sadness, and regret. I should have never left.
After my dad had been arrested on a DUI, he was then convicted of possession with intent to sell. He served one year. Life had become peaceful and calm for my mother, brother, and me. I hate to admit my dad’s absence was a blessing.
I decided to attend community college, abandoning my original plan of moving away to New York City. I majored in law enforcement, deciding that was the path I wanted to take. My mom and brother needed me. While at home, I assumed the role of little league coach and chauffeur to Jonathan. We’d become even closer during that time. Mom continued to work hard, but still maintained a strict, respectful household.
When Dad was released, my mom threw him out of the house. He didn’t even argue. He packed his things and left. He thought so little of us that he didn’t even feel the need to say goodbye. Jonathan couldn’t understand it. He thought, we both thought that he would’ve missed us being away for that year. Jonathan thought he did something to cause our father to cut us from his life. No matter what I said to comfort him, he still believed it was his fault. To a thirteen-year-old boy, it’s perfectly logical to believe your mischief is what caused your father to walk out the front door.
One month to the day of his release from prison, he returned. I was out, hanging out with friends, being a normal college kid. Dad said that he came back for something he left behind. My mother let him in.
While Jonathan slept in his room, my father shot my mother and then himself.
The guilt still cripples me, even after all these years.
I should have
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