Read Online Stiff Upper Lip by Lawrence Durrell - Free Book Online Page B

predicting the end of the world or inviting you to buy un-vivisected mink, or inveighing against alcohol. They seem against everything delicious—though they are right about mink. But who keeps cutting up mink anyhow? They must keep it pretty dark. It should sound sinister but somehow in The Times nothing does; even those dark invitations to colonic lavage in South Ken, which would alert the Sureté Nationale in a twinkling are somehow simply beguiling. One simply thanks God that they are not compulsory in the Service and passes quietly on. They all seem to be part of the Great Scheme.”
    Antrobus paused reflectively for a long moment before continuing in a lower and grimmer tone: “Into this essentially ordered and rational scheme came Toby, with no refinement, no feelings for other people—particularly Top People. In he burst with his dreadful half-page advertisements for all the filthy things he was patenting. Retch, the wonder baby-syrup was the first: ‘DOESYOUR BABY SOUND LIKE A WIND-TUNNEL? LET SCIENCE HELP YOU WITH RETCH.’ At first it was only once a month or so, though this was bad enough. But I used to take the Telegraph on that day. My secretary always warned me in time. But gradually the pressure increased. Toby’s horrid brain children multiplied: IN A NUCLEAR AGE YOU CAN AVOID FALL OUT ONLY WITH AN IMHOF PRAM. Figure to yourself our faces. Then came Sludge, the marvel among detergents. I grew to dread those huge diagrams of blocked drains. But that was not all. It grew worse. Toby scaled heights of horror undreamed of before. If I remember rightly it was Clog’s turn next. It was, apparently, the only full cream perm, so smooth so delicious. With starting eyeballs we gazed upon the picture which illustrated it. A crêpe neck with everything but the marks of the noose on it. It turned the stomach old man. And since then it has gone on getting worse. I will pass over Scratcho, the only toilet paper in the world, as being beneath contempt. But I have only to mention Gorge, Drool and Burp to give you an idea of what has been happening down at Blackfriars. I see you have gone quite white. Yes, well you may. You can see now what has been happening. Why this very week came a series of ghastly scents for which The Moulder Of Minds had invented names like Armpit, Malentendu, and Piston-Slap. You can imagine the effect on the Office. I tell you we have all got circles under our prose.”
    He paused panting. It was indeed a terrible indictment of our late colleague. “But this Felony, Antrobus,” I said at last. “What form did it take. Did you assault him?” Antrobus shook his head. His eyes gleamed. “Better than that. I struck a real blow at the smircher. Mark my words, it will be at least a tenner or a fortnight for being stuck outside the Ritz. I tell you, the sky simply went black around me. My action was pure and unpremeditated. Part of the road was up and there was a pile of those metal studs they put down at crossings. You know the kind? Sharp steel ends. There was also a navvy’s mallet lying nearby. It was the work of a minute to drive the studs home into the cringing rubber of Toby’s filthy tyres. He was still inside swilling Benedictine and gin I suppose. But by God when he comes out with those dragoman’s moustaches there will be a policeman waiting for him. Mark my words.”
    â€œYou punctured him, just like that, in cold blood?”
    â€œUtterly. In all four wheels.”
    â€œBravo, Antrobus. The Office will be proud of you.”
    Antrobus blushed self-deprecatingly and coughed behind his hand. “I say, you really think so?”
    â€œI most certainly do.”
    â€œI’m awfully glad to hear it. It’s my first Real Felony, you know, and I was in two minds about keeping it dark.”
    An idea had suddenly struck me. “I tell you what,” I said. “Let’s get a cab and drive up and down outside